The Xterminator (1986) Review

The Xterminator (1986) VHS Poster

Today we hit our time machine of porno and go back to 1986. We are going to review a movie that was a parody of The Terminator. Now, you already know that movie, but here is a different take on it, a sexual take on it. This doesn’t look like it was meant to be on the silver screen, a VHS production of source. Although, I wouldn’t be surprised if this was broadcast into porno theaters, it just doesn’t have that grain. I was able to get a VHS tape of this, and well, let’s dive into The Xterminator from 1986 and see what’s up.

The movie begins with what you can only assume is the Xterminator driving around. He comes across a brothel, and you see everything in first person. The first person allows you to hear the main character but not see him. Not until you see a mirror image and it does look like Arnold, but of course, it’s not. That cuts to a sex scene, naturally.

Shanna McCullough and Rick Savage start a sex romp, and it’s not half bad. McCullough’s performances are hit and miss, and I’ve seen Rick Savage before and he’s not half bad sometimes. This one is a slow progress scene on a couch. The two go through a great deal of oral before getting go to the main course. The most compelling of this scene is the jazzy saxophone sounds that plays in the background. Well, that and Shanna’s pearl necklace. She’s a beautiful woman, a brunette that’s all natural, with full pubic hair, and white heels on. Savage is a curly haired hairy dude, and while his performances can be labored, it seems like Shanna and him have a bit of chemistry. The two go through several positions on a cream colored couch, no condom, and lots of hair. Shanna moans a bit, to almost screaming, especially when Savage stimulates her while riding, a standard of today’s porno scene, but something you didn’t always see in the past. I wouldn’t recommend emulating what you see here, as most women don’t like it, but hey, if you ask maybe they will let you. Eventually Savage goes to town and cums all over shannas chest, and that’s the end of this scene. Shanna is quite lovely, and Savage is an average looking dude with a lot of pubic hair, but hey it’s 1986 after all.

The next scene goes back to first person mode, and you are taken to another room where Chanel Price and Kari Foxx are kissing. It’s here that the two start to work on each other, in a classic 1980s lesbian scene. Complete with lingerie. The piano music is a jazzy tune again, with a little bit of synthesizer thrown in. It sounds like Nintendo music if you ask me. The two seem to enjoy the process, mostly oral as you’d expect, slightly shaved. One woman is brunette with long curly hair, and the other is blonde, and they just go through the motions of oral for the most part. It’s a standard lesbian scene, with a lot of moaning, and what seems to be fake elements. There’s a bit of chemistry, but it’s kind of mechanical at times. The music is so distracting here, though.

We move forward from this scene going back to the tour. The tour of the brothel takes the Xterminator around rooms, and into a new place to see. This time around, the room features three people enjoying themselves. This scene features Trinity Loren, Marc Wallice, and Troy Tannier. The opening sequences is something that I personally enjoy seeing often, and it’s a hand job. One guy is hard and one isn’t, which is always a weird thing to see in porn. But the two dudes start to get up, and get into the mix. Trinity Loren is a blonde-haired woman, that has a very “punk” look to her. The scene features two men, and a mechanical sex scene. I cannot express to you how mechanical this was, as one of the dudes wasn’t that into it, and Trinity Loren was over-acting through this. There’s no DP here, and eventually the dudes cum on her chest and face, and this scene is done. It’s a mechanical, boring sex scene, that appears to have been over dubbed with moaning, and random male voices and moans. It just wasn’t grand.

The tour of the brothel continues, and this time we see Steve Drake in the shower. Steve Drake is naked, and he asks for the tour guide to clean him up. From this point the tour guide calls in two women, and they are Chanel Price and Kari Foxx. There’s a country music tune here, and two women, one blonde and one brunette shows up. One is very tall, taller than drake. Chanel Price is six foot four inches tall! That’s right, a tall pornstar! This isn’t a bad scene, and the two women go to town. At one point Steve Drake takes his cowboy hat off and puts it on Chanel while he is in doggystyle, which is funny, considering the cowboy, honky tonk music they decided to go with. If you’re a fan of kissing, there’s a lot of that here, and of course the traditional route of sex. The scene works for what it is, a straight sex threesome, and that’s about it. It seems a little mechanical for a bit, but it progresses nicely into an interesting romp for Drake and the girls. Eventually Drake cums on the belly of the brunette, Kari Foxx, and that’s the end of the scene. Not a terrible scene, but the real winner here is the shag green carpet that they do it on.

We then get taken back to the tour. The tour guide asks for the Xterminator’s jacket, and then continues the tour. You are in first person mode again, and the Xterminator tries to talk like Arnold, before we are thrown into the sex scene.

The director finally pulls away, and you now see the Xterminator, and he looks nothing like Arnold, but continues to try and talk like him, which is funny. Here you get Pattie Petite, who looks shockingly 1980s with her blonde hair, and Tony Martino getting into the action. A great deal of this is first person, or POV shots, then close ups of the penetration. It’s not a terrible scene, but it’s not going to win any awards either. Petite is a sexy woman, and she’s interesting to watch, but the overall direction and scene of them having sex on the floor isn’t that great. Perhaps it’s because they aren’t trying to break character, or it’s that they don’t have a lot of chemistry, it’s just an “average” scene of sorts. At one point it looks like Martino loses his erection, before getting back into it. The film progresses and Martino eventually cums on Petite’s stomach and that’s not all, she asks for him to put it back in after cumming once, and since he’s a machine, she keeps going, before stating that she’s going to get more girls.

When she returns she brings back Chanel Price, Kari Foxx, Shanna McCullough, and Trinity Loren. Tony Martino then gets to have all the women to himself, lucky guy. He has to remain in character, a parody of the Terminator, so he doesn’t react much until the end where he just says, “I am cumming, I am cumming”, and that’s it. He gets through all the women, and it’s not a terrible scene, but it’s not fun either. The women aren’t that loud, and the set is the same old gross couch. It’s an ok scene, mind you, it’s just not great.

I give “The Xterminator” a 2 out of 5.

It’s not a terrible movie, but it’s not great at all. Props to Tony Martino for staying in character throughout, but as a sex movie, it’s just kind of dry, and robotic, which is the point. It’s creative, no doubt, but it’s not titillating.

You can find “The Xterminator” from 1986 on VHS and every now and again you can see it on a compilation. However, it’s not that great, and is kind of boring overall. It’s not a great one, it’s just an interesting premise. Or you could just click here get the Terminator movie series for a better time.