What’s Butt Got To Do With It (1993) Review

WHat's Butt Got To Do With It (1993) 

Today we are going to be moving back to 1993 for a movie that was directed by Nic Cream, and has some good production value up front. The movie moves fast, and the story is simple, with production quality that is on the tip of the VHS scale. There is no film grain here, it’s comedically bad, but hey it’s 1993 and this is another movie. The movie we are going to review today is, “What’s Butt Got To Do With It”, and it stars Janet Jacme, Julian St. Jox, Ariel Daye, Tina Tyler, Lyndon Johnson, Ron Jeremy, Persia, Diana Knight, Dave Hardman, and Dick Nasty. These are not exactly all amazing names in the industry, but hey, they are in this movie from 1993, and we are going forward fast.

The movie starts with the credits, then we see a woman at a microphone about to sing. Her producer comes in and says that she’s singing wrong and that she’s stupid. He then goes off screen, and music comes through. We see things stop, and a large breasted blonde woman gets up and goes off screen. Then we see the singer and another woman talk, and the two discuss how the music world is so tough unless you give up something.

There’s a hard cut, and we see random women dancing around, and just shaking it. The sets here are real, the shadows point to that. They are not warehouse sets, this is someone’s apartment or house somewhere in the valley of southern California. The women dance for their producers, I’m assuming, and that’s about it. There is a lot of back and forth between the scenarios, and ultimately we end up with a Arsenio Hall looking dude, and an asian woman. Then there’s a random moment where it’s no longer the asian woman, it’s a short hair blonde. I’m not sure what the director was going for here, but eventually we see what I assume is Janet Jacme and Julian St. Jox having sex. This shifting camera angles and random moments, is just odd to me, but the sex starts and that’s ok. The two go through a few positions, both African Americans, and the lighting is terrible here. We get a couple of positions before Jox cumus, this involves anal at one point, and Janet swallows, and that’s the end of this scene.

After the scene ends, we get sent to a scene where a lady wants to be with her man in bed. He is writing, and he says, leave me alone, I’m trying to write. She tries to engage, and he’s not having it. The scene is very dark, the camera is very close, and shaky, and the lighting is horrendous here.

The camera switches and we are sent to a porn set, with hard lighting coming from the 4th wall, and shadows being cast all over. THere’s a dark green couch, and two brunettes kissing and taking off their dresses, while an African American woman starts to play with herself. This thruway features Ariel Daye, Persia, and Tina Tyler. The scene features oral, scissoring, masturbation, and lots of kissing. It’s slow moving, there’s not a lot of moaning, and it’s kind of boring if you ask me. I think these women may not be bisexual, as the performance leaves a lot to be desired.

We move to an outside scene and two women are talking. Apparently one lady is getting abused, and her man is cheating on her. She said she just needs to do one more album and things will be good. We then move to another scene.

This scene shows Ron Jeremy talking to the record producer, and he says that he wants to record an album with Spike and the Tina Turner impersonator, of sorts. Remember this is a parody of the Tina Turner story. The two argue, and then the producer tells his maid to suck on his friend, Ron Jeremy.

Lynden Johnson is a tall blonde woman with large breasts, and she takes out Ron Jeremy’s member to suck on it and that cues the music. The bass heavy music is horrible, the lighting here is again bad, but the set is a real house. This is not a warehouse set, this is someone’s house, so the lighting is a lot better, and the set dressings are also very good. Jeremy is not as fat as he is now, and he is ready for action as soon as Johnson starts to grab at his penis. Jeremy is killer with the one liners, and here is a good example of what a great performer he has been in the past, and well maybe in the present as well. He gets sucked off well by Johnson, whom I’ve never seen before in movies. “Must be from the virgin islands”, Jeremy quips, as he gets sucked off from Johnson. The sex is fine, she doesn’t moan a lot, and Jeremy spouts one liners as he has sex, and it’s not horrible, but the two lack chemistry, and it shows. Eventually he cuts on her face, and we see the end, and hard cut to a new scene.

We move to a patio party where all the industry insiders are hanging out, and then move to the inside of the house, and it’s our main character and Spike talking about leaving. She’s packing a bag, the outside is just talking, and things are going down on the inside. He says she cant leave and he owns her, and then we get a hard cut to the outside. Outside two women talk about how life is just stuck in a repeating pattern.




We then move to see Persia and Julian St. Jox talking, and while the ebony woman dances, the music kicks in and we get into a new sex scene. This time around it’s not bad, but it lacks that chemistry that you would expect from two people that actually want to have sex. This is a mechanical movement, and Persia is hot, but Julian St. Jox can’t wait to do anal, before he cums, and so you see that rush into sex, and that’s that. It’s not great, it’s not good, and well, it works. This is a warehouse setting, and the lighting sucks again, the music is lackluster, and the film grain just doesn’t work. This is duct taped together for sure.

After the scene, we get to another sequence where the main character wants to leave and she’s ready to go. But out comes two guys from the FBI and they flash their badges and say that our main character needs to come with them. She pleads her case, and she gets on her knees, and starts to get in on the blow job action. Diana Knight here gets into the sex, she blows Dave Hardman and Dick Nasty, and it’s not that good, but hey, she’s doing her job. This is done at someone’s house in a garage somewhere, and it’s lackluster, but it works in a pinch. There’s no DP here, it’s just threesome in the garage, before the film cuts out for me. Maybe there’s a resolution, but by the time I finish this thing, I’m ready for another drink and want to give up on it all.

I give “What’s Butt Got To Do With It” a 1 out of 5.

This is perhaps the worst movie I’ve reviewed thus far. Not even Ron Jeremy’s classic acting could save this picture. It’s horrendous, but hey, that’s just one man’s opinion.

Edward Penishands (1991) Review

Edward Penis Hands (1991) 

We come back to another movie from the 1990s. This time around we are taking a look at the movie that was a parody of a famous movie. You already know what to expect with this one, as they made 3 of them. This movie we are going to be looking into is none other than “Edward Penishands”. That’s right, the parody, and well here we go, this movie stars Alexandra Quinn, Sikki Nixx, Jamie Leigh, Jeanna Fine, Ashley Nicole, Domonique Simone, and Jon Dough. The movie is a direct parody of the Hollywood movie, and has a good overall script, although the movie is not filmed with that film grain, that you expect from other movies, but I guess that doesn’t matter as this is a porno, by the way.

The movie starts with a woman carrying a suit case, walking through a warehouse. SHe’s tall, blonde, wearing a green dress, and is continually saying, Hello. No, it’s not Adele, but it most likely can have some moments of hilarity. If this was Mystery Science Theater 3,000 you know they’d make that reference. This blonde haired woman looks to find who is in the warehouse, and she runs into a recluse. This recluse has penises for hands! That’s right, he has penises, and that’s it. Mr. Penishand asks the woman not to go, and we get into the story.

There’s a trendy soundtrack for the 1990s that comes into play, and we see the blonde take off her clothes. She lets down here hair, and she starts to suck Edward’s hands. I kid you not. He’s in full makeup. This is a jolting movie if you aren’t ready to see what is going on. The makeup job on Edward Penishands is great, and he looks like the Depp character, meanwhile the woman here is blonde, small breasted, and gets into the role. Edward begins with oral sex on the blonde, whom I assume is Alexandra Quinn. She has tan lines, and Edwards goes down on her with his tongue, and using his hands a little. After some time, we see Edward using both hands in both holes, and he’s fully clothed while you watch the penishands do their work. I’m not sure if this is eroticism or not, it’s actually kind of werid, and yet Quinn’s black pumps make it for me, so I guess there’s something to say. The set here is well lit, a warehouse setting with a bed, and that’s not bad. After some foreplay with the hands, Edwards gets his zipper open and Quinn gives him a blow job. Then the two get into doggy style and things get forward progress. The camera angle here is ok at best, and Edward stays clothed in doggy style, trying to hold on with his penishands. Quinn screams and moans and that really turns me on. This scene becomes grotesque, and yet I couldn’t turn away. Quinn’s screaming is what I want in a partner, I’ll say that much. After a couple of positions we see Edward cum through all of his penises, real and prosthetic, and that’s the end of the first major scene.

The scene ends and we end up going forward to another scene, where two women are talking on the phone. We see Quinn bring in Edward to a set that I is definitely in a warehouse studio somewhere. I can tell because of the shadows from the lighting. It becomes obvious that we are seeing this filmed on a sound stage, which isn’t bad, it’s well decorated, it’s just painfully obvious. The movie continues and we hear about Quinn’s daughter, and that Edward can stay and make himself at home.

We get a firm cut, and we are shown another bedroom scenario. This one features two women, Jeanna Fine and Jamie Leigh. Both are average looking women here, no implants, dirty shoes, and just average elements. The set is lit like a studio, and the shadows play to that regard. We see the women masturbate, use toys, and just go for it, with no real story to this, other than they are trying to get off. The two join one another in a bed and use toys then keeps going, and that’s it. The two just enjoy themselves. One brunette and one dirty blonde, both thin, no major large breasts, somewhat shaved, and that’s it.

After the lesbian sex scene, we see Edward looking at his hands, and that’s it. He starts to imagine things, and realize his past. It’s suppose to add a story arc to the movie, but it’s painfully thrown in place.

The movie continues and Edward is introduced to three new women. They are all thin, and they get sent away out of a room. We are left with Jon Dough and Quinn, while the scene fades to black.

Now we are taken to a bathroom where Edward is with two women. Domonique Simone is an African American woman with small breasts, and Ashley Nicole is a dirty blonde haired, thin woman with medium sized breasts as well. The two start to suck on Edwards hands, and he is just looking like it is pleasurable. The full concept here is Edward just playing with the women with his hands and then he cuts with his hands and it shoots out a little, and that’s it. It’s a short scene, and it’s not that fun.

Moving along, we get Ashley Quinn and Jon Dough talking about how sales are down for Quinn’s sex toy elements. Quinn signals Dough that she wants him, and that two start to kiss. The generic porn music comes in, and they begin. Remember, the set here is a warehouse, so the backgrounds are terrible, there’s blue painters tape along a window frame, the walls are way too high, and the interior is just stupid looking. At one point you can tell that there is no ceiling, as the camera goes too high. The sex begins with Quinn taking off her body suit and blowing Jon Dough. He’s not huge, but he gets into it fairly well. Quinn moans a lot, screaming at one point, and making her my new “it” girl to watch. Quinn and Dough go at it on a kitchen table, no condoms, and it’s just straight forward. The two go through two different positions, then Quinn ends up getting summed on in the back, as Dough finishes things off. That’s it. Not a bad scene, but not a great one either.

Next we are taken to a bedroom, in the same warehouse set that you’d expect from a porno sound stage. Here we see Edward trying to play with himself, then cumming, and running we hears that Jeanna Fine is coming through the door.

This fades, and we see Jeanna Fine and Edward meet in a warehouse where Fine finds out that he has penis hands. There’s a soft song that plays, and it’s supposed to be a love song, while Edward squirts cum from his penis hands and Jeanna Fine dances under it. This is beyond stupid, and yet it’s endearing somehow. This is a very young Jeanna Fine, so she doesn’t have enhancements, and is toned nicely, skinny, and has long black hair. As we move forward, we end up seeing the scene fade to black and send the two back to a location in front of a fireplace. There’s a cheesy song playing, and the two here start to kiss and go forward. Fine sucks on the hand penises, then the two start to have sex, but not before a blow job begins. This is not a long scene. Fine does have enhanced breasts as one angle shows, and she rides Edward while he is fully clothed, until he climaxes and that’s the end.

I give “Edward Penishands” a 2 out of 5.

I love Jeanna Fine, I always liked her work, and Quinn’s yelling during sex turned me on. However, the novelty of this movie really wears on me, and it’s not sexy after a while. Fine looks like a Chicago escort that I know, and well, other than that, I don’t really know what to tell ya. It’s not a great movie, it’s not a bad movie, but it’s definitely one to check out if you’re curious. It’s not going to win any awards or anything, but as a novelty sex film, it’s not half bad. I’d watch Jeana Fine read the dictionary, though. She’s hot.

The Flintbones (1992) Review

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Poonies (1985) Review

The Poonies (1985) Poster

I’m not always a fan of parody porno movies, but here and there they come into my queue for review and I have to review them. That’s exactly what is going down today, a review of a parody from 1985. So we go into our time machine, and go back to 1985 where the porno was different, and there were a lot more stories involved. In the case of this movie, we are going to be seeing a collection of stars in one place for a movie called, “Poonies”, a parody of “The Goonies”. The director here is Bruce Seven, and the distributor is Vivid Video. The stars of this movie include Amber Lynn, Peter North, Heather Wayne, Marc Wallice, Sharon Mitchell, Kevin James, Ted Wilson, Bionca, Herschel Savage, and Ami Rogers. Is this a good one to check out? Will you enjoy it? I don’t know, let’s find out when we venture back to 1985 to watch, the movie entitled, “Poonies”.

The starting point of this movie features the credits and an old Vivid Video Logo, which is awesome to see. We see Ginger Lynn walking into a farm wearing a mini-skirt, blue beret, and we hear someone singing. It’s hilarious to hear, as it’s a legit song. I don’t know who sings it, but it’s classic 1980s style music. “The Poonies are the way they are now”, wow. Anyways, the movie rolls the credits and we see clips from the interior of the ranch that people are on, and we see people walking around, and going from different locations. This was shot on film, and it shows, there’s a film grain to it, and it’s quite interesting to see overall. There’s a full list of people involved with this movie, it’s not just a random budgeted movie, this was played in theaters, and it shows from the starting line to the interior of the movie. I can imagine myself at the Pussycat Theater watching this one, and it’s a classic venture back to a different time.

The movie starts and we see Peter North and Amber Lynn stating that they have a meeting with the Poonies later. The two look at each other in a motel looking room, and they start to kiss. Amber Lynn kisses Peter North and starts to moan before taking out his package. Amber Lynn is a blonde haired woman with small breasts, good curves, and a slight tan. She immediately goes down on Peter North, and he’s not hard yet, but he grows as per usual. There’s a blow job sequence with romantic music, and the two switch positions to a point where Amber gets head as much as Peter does, but the director decides to change things up.

The director leaves the action to show Heather Wayne and Marc Wallice talking. Heather Wayne’s teeth are bad here, she’s a dirty blonde that looks a bit older. Marc Wallice is young, wears a cowboy hat and weird looking vest. A 1980s techno beat starts and Heather Wayne kisses Marc Wallice, and as the camera zooms out we realize that they are both nude. Wayne has dark pubic hair, the two are in the den of a badly designed condo, with terrible carpeting, next to a brick fireplace. Wallice starts with oral on Heather Wayne and she responds nicely to it. After a few minutes the two switch places and she gets on her knees to blow Wallice. It’s not a bad blow job by any means, but there’s a lot of hair here, and she works well with what she has, but Wallice isn’t huge. There’s a nice shot of Wayne bent over, which is lovely, but the director cuts.

The director hard cuts back to Peter North and Amber Lynn having sex. They are in doggy style by the time the camera switches and it’s not too bad of a scene. Lynn moans a great deal as North goes all in with a mechanical rush of blood, and romantic music as the backdrop. The two continue to have sex, and it’s not a bad scene, but it’s also not too sexy, as there’s some blocking and they are on a waterbed.

Another hard cut occurs and the director goes back to Heather Wayne and Marc Wallice having sex. I hate when directors do this, but I’m sure it’s because porno theaters didn’t want their patrons masturbating during the film, so they cut the sex scenes shorter and switch between hardcore shows, right? I don’t know. Wallice and Wayne are doing it reverse cowgirl and the camera shows off the moves. At one point Marc picks up Wayne and gives her a standup ride, which is impressive.

Right when you get impressed, we are taken to another hard cut. This cut sends us to reverse cowgirl with Amber Lynn and Peter North. After some time in the sex, things stop and North cums, although it’s not a big cum shot, and Amber Lynn finishes him off with a hand job.

Hard cut again and we are back with Marc Wallice and Heather Wayne in doggy style. After some back and forth traction here Wallice can’t hold on and cums on Wayne’s back and that’s it. He’s sweaty, they kiss, and the two smile afterwards. The camera fades and we are taken to a meeting of the Poonies up next.

So we get into a meeting of the Poonies and they discuss how their house is being taken by the bank. It’s that simple. Then they find out that the owner of the house has been kidnapped! They talk about finding an old treasure map, and then it’s shown off, etc. the story now features the Poonies trying to find their lost guy, and figure out how to save their house. A sense of adventure! The story of Poonies starts and we go ahead with more information.

We move along to another scene, after the Poonies have their meeting. It features Sharon Mitchell talking to Kevin James. Sharon ties up James, and then starts to strip in front of him. Sharon Mitchell has a thin body, short 1980s hair, a big nose, big facial features, and a round butt that’s quite good. She looks like a mom from the 1980s with a tight body, and it’s quite interesting to see. There’s a deep bass line, music starts, and Sharon Mitchell gets on her knees to blow Kevin James. The director shows a bit of the insertion to start, and the two start to have sex, but then there’s a hard cut, bugging the hell out of me.

The cut goes back to the Poonies meeting, and they all discuss a crazy lady, whom they elude is Sharon Mitchell. They are going to investigate and figure out what is going on and where their landlord is based on the map. Then we see a little strip tease with Ginger Lynn before the camera cuts back to the sex.

Back in a basement looking area we see Kevin James and Sharon Mitchell in reverse cowgirl. There’s no condoms, no one is shaved, and this is mechanical in nature. The two go through several positions, and it’s not a terrible sequence with the music, but in the middle of the sex another hard cut occurs!

With a hard cut we are taken to the den of the previous scene only this time we see Ginger Lynn, Heather Wayne, and Ted Wilson engaging in oral. The trio go through some positions of sex, and there’s a saxophone jazz tune in this one. Ginger Lynn is the star here, as she gets into the sex a lot more than Wayne at this point, and it seems as though Ted Wilson isn’t complaining at all as he goes all in with Lynn.

The director hard cuts from doggy style and we are sent back to the basement where Sharon Mitchell is having sex with Kevin James still. She moans a little and the two are working up a sweat, and it’s not too bad here. James asks his lover to give him a hand job and that’s it. The end of this scene.

After the sex, the camera cuts to the Poonies dorking around the compound. Nothing special here, no music just the actors going around some ranch.

Meanwhile, Bionca and Herschel Savage are in a room together and they start to make out for what seems like no reason. They start to make out a bit, then Bionca goes down to give savage a blow job. The two end up in a 69 position, and it gets hot fast. Bionca is a new comer to the porn world with this movie, and she’s a brunette with a thin body, small breasts, and not shaved. She has tan lines, and looks young here. Savage gets into the sex fast, and the two workout well together, moving and grinding with no condom, and it’s not a bad scene until the camera cuts!

The camera cuts and we see the Poonies with Sharon Mitchell. Mitchell has a shot gun pointed at them, and they are all busted. Sharon Mitchell asks them to start making out and get naked, which they oblige.

But then the camera cuts again and we are back with Bionca and Herschel Savage having sex in that crappy motel looking room. It’s actually pretty good sex, all things considered and the two really work as though they are trying to get off well. The camera watches you see two people really having sex, and it seems really good, every movement and the overall cumming of Bionca and moaning is great. This is the type of sex you’d want to have, and I’m enthralled. A great sequence of sex is hard to find in 1980s releases, but this works very well and the two are legitimately passionate about the sex, with Bionca riding on top and Savage going as hard as he can with her in rhythm.

There’s a hard cut and we are taken to a blow job occurring in the basement. This is where Mitchell has commanded the Poonies to get into the action together. With this sex scene we see Sharon Mitchell with Peter North, Ami Rodgers and Marc Wallice all having sex in the same room. This is a clumsy group sex scene with the director not really knowing what to point towards, so he just kind of gives you a random glance at the blow jobs that are occuring here and there. Nothing really crazy here. Both women are brunettes, but Ami Rodgers has large breasts, and they are all natural.

A swift cut from the director and we see reverse cowgirl with Savage and Bionca, and it’s back to passionate sex. If you could just splice their scene together for the sex it showcases an amazing sequence. It’s the best sex scene I’ve seen in a long time.

A hard cut again and I’m annoyed, but we are back to the four some, and it’s your traditional sex scene. One couple is doing it sideways, another is doing doggy and that’s it. This goes on for some time before both guys can’t hold on and cum on the women and that’s it. They just cum and that’s all she wrote, so to speak. They are all sweaty, they seem to have been spent in this one, and it’s not a bad scene, mind you, it’s just not great either. The camera work is clumsy, the sex is lazy, and it’s mechanical at best.

Everyone puts their clothes back on and the cowboy dude grabs a shotgun and is told it’s not loaded.

We are taken to another scene, and here we see Bionca, Ginger Lynn, and Heather Wayne making out after Ginger Lynn masturbates. The scene turns into a threeway lesbian sex scene. It’s an easy, simple scene with lots of oral, fingers, and a rockin beat. I hate using the word traditional to describe these scenes sometimes, but there’s not much to it. Two of the three women are really into this one, and the other is just going along for the most part. The director must’ve told them to just go at it. Ginger Lynn is nearly upside down with her legs up in the air at one point which is a unique visual, but other than that, this is a simple, and sometimes mundane sex scene with a lot of blocking. If you like watching women give oral, then you’ll like this one for sure.

After the sex, we see Ginger Lynn answering the phone and finding out that the crew has been kidnapped and held against their will and that she needs to come rescue them. So that’s where she goes, to see where they are at.

Ginger Lynn finally shows up and finds Kevin James all tied up. She unties him and they start to talk, before they kiss. Ginger Lynn and Kevin James start to make out, and she gets on her knees to give oral. Ginger Lynn here has curly hair, and is in her prime, while Kevin James soaks up all of the work that Lynn gives him. He goes all in with her, no condom, and Lynn moans a bit, looks back at him, and really gets into the sex. It’s not a terrible scene, mind you, but it is not Lynn’s best. James is adequate at best, but he’s far from Lynn’s best partner and it shows through the sex scene. At the 1 hour and 11 minute mark, things speed up a little and Lynn moans a bit more, but it’s obvious that she’s not that into it, and you can tell that James is trying his best to keep his hard on, only to cum into Lynn’s mouth.

After this scene, we are taken to the ranch where the Poonies are found safe and sound. The story ties up and they get to keep their home, and end it all with a big orgy that features everyone in the cast. There’s an orgy that features Ami Rodgers, Bionca, Ginger Lynn, Heather Wayne, Sharon Mitchell, Herschel Savage, Kevin James, Marc Wallice, Peter North, and Ted Wilson. Everyone gets naked here and just goes to town. There’s no rhyme or reason for this, and we get the Poonies theme song going again. It’s a trope that is in a lot of 1980s movies that were sent to porno theaters. The orgy is a mix of sex with multiple partners, and nothing really stands out for me. There’s not a lot of sound, the music takes over, but there are several cum shots and several sex endings, so maybe that’s something to consider? Overall, not a great scene, but not a terrible one either. It’s an orgy with bad direction, lousy music, and all of the stars, so it’s functional, but it’s scatter brained as well.

I give “Poonies” a 2 out of 5.

Despite my attraction to Ginger Lynn, this is a terrible movie that has only one saving grace, being a parody of “The Goonies”, movie which is a classic. If you are a collector and must see all of the parodies or want to watch all Ginger Lynn movies, here you go, another one to add to your collection. Otherwise, you probably won’t care to see this one often. Although, Herschel Savage and Bionca do a great job in their scene, which can be deemed a classic if you ask me.

Black To The Future (1987) Review

Black To The Future (1987) Cover

After taking a little time away to watch and write more for this site, we are back. Today we are going to be firing up our time machine for porno and going to a movie that parodies one of my favorite movies of all time. That’s right, we are going to be reviewing “Black to The Future”. This movie came out in 1987, and it is a parody porno from the 1980s, and it makes fun of “Back to the Future”. This is not to be confused with the other parodies that I’ve talked about for this site, as this is a completely different parody from a different studio, with different actors. This movie is directed by Charlie Diamond, and was distributed by Vidco Entertainment. “Black to the Future” stars Tish Ambrose, Buddy Love, Frank James, Robbie Dee, Kristara Barrington, Melissa Melendez, Erica Boyer, and Herschel Savage. You’ll recognize a few of these actors from other movies, and some new comers as well. This was made in 1987, so you may find that the tropes that come from that era are alive and well.

The movie starts with a four way sex scene. This first sex scene features Tish Ambrose, Buddy Love, Frank James, and Robbie Dee. Tish Ambrose is a pretty blonde haired woman with naturally wavy hair, red stockings, and heels on. She has B cups if I can gauge them correctly, and takes turn with 3 guys, all of whom are hard for this one. Each one takes turn in what seems like a trash bag set. The walls are made of black vinyl, there’s a blow up doll in the corner, and the focus is on her and the sex at hand. She moans a bit, and at one point there is a slow down in the erections, which is funny, but for the most part, the guys are into it, and she seems to like the process as well. After some switching, there’s a point where there’s anal action, and that’s an interesting turn. Overall, however, this is a fast paced, odd sex scene with a lot of moaning, and some limp penises here and there. I hate to see a porn actor struggle, but it happens here and there. Ambrose takes a lot in this scene, and it’s not half bad, but it’s just hardcore, without feeling, and feels mechanical at times. That’s all I can really say about this one, it’s mechanical, with an odd set, and music that comes in and out here and there. There is anal focused on towards the 10 minute mark, so if you’re a fan of interracial anal, it happens here, and it makes Ambrose scream when it happens. After some back and forth, and weird things going on in the background, the guys cum, and that’s the end, they all cum on her, and she smiles, and the camera has a hard cut to a telephone.

On the telephone there’s a punk girl that answers a call from a professor. She says that payment can be made now that the fantasy has been fulfilled. The woman smiles, and we go back to the sex scene a bit, but then the woman picks up the phone and starts to dial away. She’s in crazy make up and a wig. She calls an android, and there’s a weird voice on the other line. The plot is found out here. We see the punk chick is an alien, and she is conducting an experiment in human sexuality to find out what is going on with humanoids, etc. She answers the phone, and as the camera pulls back, we see that’s she is nude. She gives people fantasies, and that’s what this seems to be. There’s no costs, apparently, and there’s a location where people show up and enjoy the fantasy world of sex.

There’s a hard camera cut and we hear some futuristic music. The only thing that I can say about this is that it has the name credentials of a parody, but the plot is nothing like the movie it’s making fun of. The hard cut takes us to a pin super futuristic car. This thing looks like something out of hot wheels, mind you. Inside of the car is a bed, and it’s a really cool set to look at. A woman shows up and gets into the car, and our alien starts to drive it and away we go. A bunch of smoke comes through and we are taken to a new place. It’s here that we see a sexual romp occur. An Asian woman asks about if a dude is really hung, and then there we go forward.

In what appears to be a speak easy, we see Kristara Barrington and Buddy Love start with a blow job. There’s romantic saxophone music playing underneath, Buddy Love wears a cap and sunglasses, and watches Barrington blow him in a speakeasy. This is just a blow job scene from what I can gather as the two don’t really get into sex. There’s a cut from the camera back to the phone room, and that’s where go next.

The camera cuts to what is supposed to be ancient Egypt. Here we see a random ddue having sex with a blow up doll. I kid you not. There’s some bass heavy music, and it’s a guy on a leopard print rug having sex with a blow up doll! He then cums on it, and that’s this scene. As he starts to cum, the woman becomes real, although the scene switches between different elements. This is supposed to be Melissa Melendez and Frank James, mind you.

The camera cuts, and we are taken to a fireplace, in a den. Here we see Kristara Barrington and Buddy Love going back to oral. This is obviously where we are going to see some sex, right? We do get a little bit of doggy style, but it doesn’t last that long. It’s a basic scene if you ask me, and no real romance or passion. It’s mechanical, Barrington barely moans until towards the finish line, and Buddy Love doesn’t seem to be that aroused at first, so it’s just a standard mechanical sex scene with no real payoff. Barrington is an Asian lady, by the way, with black hair, and a thin frame.

The camera cuts and we are back to Melissa Melendez and Frank James having sex. It’s supposed to be Cleopatra, mind you, but the set is completely cheap and funny to look at. The sex is fine here, mechanical as ever, but the director decides to cut back to Love and Barrington.

Buddy Love cums on Kristara Barrington and that’s it. There was a hard cut to this, and we see the finale of their sex scene. I do not understand why directors do this, but it’s the most annoying thing about 1980s porno movie editing if you ask me.

The camera cuts again and this time we are back to see Melissa Melendez and Frank James in doggy style, going for anal. It’s not a bad sex scene, Melissa Melendez has the face of Katy Perry, but lacks the big breasts, and is dolled up with gold and other elements from Egypt. Frank James cums on Melendez’s face and she turns to the camera and asks, “are you sure this is how Elizabeth Taylor got started”? Then we get a hard cut to the next scene.

We see Erica Boyer get into the bright pink car, and she is looking great. Boyer is a blonde haired rock star type, and she has black pumps and a sports jersey as she gets into the back of the pink time machine. Meanwhile, we see Herschel Savage talking to the camera and he says that he should be the director, and that’s it.

Two women come into the scene, and we’re back to that original set with the trash bag walls. Tish Ambrose and Erica Boyer start to kiss. Ambrose has the pink punk hair and the looks from the phone call set that was shown earlier. Boyer and Ambrose start to have sex, in a passionate lesbian scene that features a lot of fingers, oral, and much more. There’s a vibrator introduced at one point, and something that is somewhat simple to see and focus on overall. The scene isn’t half bad, the two work up a good sweat and they use the vibrator, fingers, and more to full effect. After some orgasms from the vibrator, Herschel Savage shows up and starts to get into the mix.

In the progression from the scene, we see Herschel Savage take on Erica Boyer. Boyer takes it all in, and the two have sex on the floor of the set. It’s mainly one position for the most part, Boyer doesn’t really moan much, and the two just go straight through the sex. Eventually Savage cums on Boyer’s face, and that’s it. It’s mechanical, there’s barely any moaning, it’s short, and the rock instrumental in the backdrop sucks. Boyer is left on the floor with the director zooming into her face, and the sex is done, the sound stops, and we just see a blur occur.

After this sex scene, we see our punk haired woman talking about how they have completed the science experiment. The movie ends, the credits roll, and that’s the end of this one.

I give “Black To The Future” a 1 out of 5.

This is perhaps one of the worst porno movies I’ve ever seen. However, I really liked the car, and the interior of the car. The rest of the movie is awful, with no good passionate sex scene, but there is a little creativity here and there. Other than that, I can’t really give this a good grade. It’s interesting for collectors and for a good laugh amongst friends, so there’s that.

If you want to check out "Black to the Future" from 1987, you can do so by clicking HERE to stream it for as little as $3.99! Also, sign up and get 15 minutes FREE so you can see how cool the car is, and how the sex in this movie is. 

Ramb-Ohh 2: The Sex Platoon (1987) Review

Ramb-Ohh II: The Sex Platoon Cover

A while back I reviewed the parody porno movie called Rambo-ohh! And it was awful. Well, it had a few moments, but it wasn’t exactly living up to the source material, and honestly, how can it? It’s a porno, right? You can read my review of the first Rambo-ohh! By clicking here. Today we are going to visit the 1987 sequel that stars Peter North, and it’s a direct sequel to the original. This movie is called “Rambo-ohh 2: The Sex Platoon” and it was released in 1987. This movie stars Alicia Monet, Megan Leigh, Tiffany Storm, Tracey Adams, Billy Dee, Peter North, Mike Horner, and Jerry Butler. The starting of the movie is lower quality than the original, as it is not filmed with “film” cameras, but rather looks to be direct to VHS or Beta Max quality. That isn’t necessarily a bad thing, but it’s definitely noticeable.

The movie starts with Peter North running with a platoon of women. They are scantily clad and he’s got camouflage pants and that’s it. The credits start and he commands that they follow his lead and then run 5 miles.

After the credits we go to a den. In the den there is Alicia Monet in a nice dress, and Peter North in a bright blue polo. He is just sitting there and the two start talking. One thing leads to another and Alicia Monet disrobes, and gets on her knees to start sucking off Peter North. This first sex scene occurs within the first 5 minutes of the movie, reminding you exactly what you’re watching. It is a standard starting line with Peter North not immediately hard, but getting there as Monet works things out to a standing ovation. Monet is a tall, brunette with curly hair, and Peter North is still young with a mullet, and what Jenna Jameson called a soda can penis that ripped her up. The camera is clean here, no harsh editing, and is actually remastered or something because the lighting in this den is far more modern than the original movie, and is actually a testament to whomever did the editing and production. The blow job is good, there’s no music here, just the sounds of sucking, moaning, and breathing. The scene goes from Peter North getting blown to Monet laying on her shoulders with her legs split, and North dropping in like an anchor into her. I am not aware of this position’s name, but it’s unique, and it is certainly not something that many couples are doing. Monet has blue eyes, isn’t completely shaved, and has natural breasts. Peter North is completely shaved, from what I can tell, but he keeps his polo on during this scene, concentrating while Monet moans and gets done well. There’s sweat in this one, no condom, and a set that looks like your uncle’s den, complete with lazy boy and fireplace. There are multiple positions here, and eventually North cums on a nice load on Monet’s pubic mound, which she rubs out and into herself, in a glistening array of finality. This is one hell of a finish, but the director cuts to North making vinegar strokes, and throws me off. Otherwise, this ending is quite sensual, leaving North completely spent.

The scene changes, and shows Monet using a knife to tell North that she has what she came for, which allows North to pull a gun. He says don’t let your guard down and don’t bring a knife to a gun fight. He then removes his polo and then he turns to the camera and says to be ready for the big exam at dawn.

We go to dawn, and Peter North is in camo. He says that they all have to seduce males and get their secret papers.

The next scene features Megan Leigh crying about how she’s not like other girls and that she can’t do what others do. Mike Horner is the guy that she’s supposed to seduce, and he gives up his papers fast, and tells Leigh that she doesn’t have to work so hard. The two then start to disrobe and we start the next sex scene.

Megan Leigh and Mike Horner start with a little foreplay, no music, and a makeshift bed in a warehouse setting. The lighting is once again good, and it’s an interesting choice to only have the sounds of sex. Megan Leigh is a blonde haired woman with natural breasts, painted finger nails, and partially shaved pubic region. She makes a lot of noise throughout, and Mike Horner looks a lot like a SNL alumnus. The opening blow job from Megan Leigh is sensual, slow, and focused. She gives a good deep throat at one point, and this scene looks like something that is more modern than anything else. She uses her hands, she strokes Horner well, and honestly, the two have a lot of chemistry together, and it shows. This is no doubt one of the better starts to a sex scene, and a spectacular blow job to start the sex. After that, Horner gets on top and starts to move his hips into Megan Leigh. Leigh’s moans are a bit much considering, but the close up of the insertion shows you that she’s wet and responding well to Mike Horner’s pushing. At a certain point they go into doggy style, and Horner looks to be in work mode while Leigh is just trying to stay up and into the whole thing. They seem to lose steam around the 27-minute mark and are out of sync having sex, with Leigh’s sounds getting more theatrical for what seems like no reason if you ask me. Horner eventually cums on her butt and she goes back to pull on it a little, and that’s the end. This is just an average sex scene with a good opening. The blow job leads to a sex scene that is a bit uninspired if you ask me.

The scene fades, and we go to another section of the final exam for the women.

Moving along we see Alicia Monet seducing Jerry Butler. This scene is outdoors and has no music as the other scenes. The two have sex under a makeshift tent, and it’s straightforward. Jerry Butler plays an Indian guru, and says that she cannot have sex with him. Monet then drops to her knees and starts to blow Butler. He quickly changes his tune, and the two engage in another test for the larger goal of the plot. The two go into 69 at one point, and they just go at it very hard. The reverse cowgirl sequence at the 35 minute mark, for instance, is quite good. Monet has wild curly brown hair, and all natural big breasts. She seems to get into this role quite a bit, and really gives Butler a ride. Multiple positions are done here, and eventually Jerry Butler cums on Monet’s lower back and butt, and that’s the end. Nothing too crazy, but Monet’s performance is quite good, and Butler staying in character is funny as well. The two tire out and then just lay together for a second until Monet steals some documents from him.

The next scene starts and it’s Tiffany Storm trying to steal from Peter North. North finds her, and she takes off her top. Tiffany Storm has large natural breasts, long brown hair, and of course Peter North has signature mullet in this scene. This is a scene that has a military set, and the two go into the action fast. Peter North and Tiffany Storm start to make out and go into oral quite quickly. Both dressed in camouflage, inside a tent with good lighting. Storm gives a good blow job, although a bit slow, and after some oral given to her, North takes down his pants, but leaves them at his ankles and starts to go in sideways on Tiffany Storm. She is not shaved, no condoms used, and the two work out some frustration with relative ease. She seems into it for the most part, moaning, and holding onto the bed as hard as she can as North goes forward with thrusting as much and as hard as he can. After multiple positions, the two land on doggy style for the finale, and the director shows Peter North’s face for his vinegar strokes, and eventually the money shot approaches where North cums on Tiffany Storm’s big breasts.

The scene ends, and we are taken to a lakeside area. There is a tall blonde haired woman looking bored when a man approaches from under the water. He captures her, and she gets scared. Billy Dee threatens Tracey Adams and asks for some sex before she dies. This scene is slow moving, the woman keeping an accent, and Billy Dee giving oral because he doesn’t get nearly as hard when Tracey Adams gives him oral. He eventually gets it up and sticks it in, as the two have sex on the underside of a small boat. This is a little sensual at times, Dee never really pushing too hard and Adams not moaning too loudly. It’s a tame scene with a lot of hair, and just normal sex. It’s kind of boring actually. Once again there are multiple positions and eventually Tracey Adams, looking like Traci Lords lets Dee finish on the boat as he pulls out for the finish. She then sprays him with something and he falls out cold. She then goes for the documents she’s suppose to steal and that’s the end of this scene.

Up next we are taken to a raft in the middle of a lake. It’s here that Tiffany Storm and Jerry Butler start the next scene. Storm goes for a blow job immediately and Butler responds by getting really hard and just letting her do her magic. After some oral, Butler gets Storm to get on her back and he goes in on her. She has large breasts, and the scene is outside, and gets done quickly. Butler and Storm seem to be in work mode for the most part, but there are a few moments where you swear that the two are unique lovers, not “working” but rather just enjoying themselves together. A couple of standard positions and then doggy style occurs, and Storm steals some documents while Butler eventually cums on her back and that’s that. It’s standard porno sex, nothing too exciting after an initially good blow job.

I give Rambo-ohh 2: The Sex Platoon a 2 out of 5.

I appreciated the lighting and remastering done for this release, if that was done at all. I also appreciated the all natural looking women, and the sex for the most part. However, much of the sex was uninspired, and lazy. However, there’s enough here to squeak one out, and while this is better than the first movie, it still isn’t grand. It’s a porno that has nothing to do with the original movie or source material, and honestly, is just an interesting porno to see after you’ve seen the first one. I liked it for the most part, but it’s not great at all. A 2 out of 5 is generous all things considered.

Ramb-ohh! (1986) Review

Ramb-Ohh! (1986) VHS Cover

There are a lot of parodies of modern cinema. Many of them become porno movies, and today we are going to go back to a movie that was directed by a guy named Adam. This was released I n1986, and it is a movie that is a complete parody of the classic Rambo Franchise. The movie starts simple enough, and it is definitely one of the better movies to have a parody element to it, although, it’s still a porno. This was definitely meant to be seen on the big screen, as there is better acting, film grain, and a plot that involves a titular character. The movie today is called “Ramb-ohh!” and it stars Tom Byron, Bunnie Blake, Krista Lane, Ray Wells, Candie Evans, Peter North, and Ray Wells. This is a very 1980s movie as far as women are concerned, as they have big hair, and heels, and look like they just came off the set of a Motley Crue video.

We start the movie with people picking on a soldier, played by Peter North. He is getting called all sorts of names for being in Vietnam. He then steals a motorcycle and just goes along his way. In another scene, we see Tom Byron at a mansion, and some guy that looks like a villain talking on the phone, and the two exchange a few words before Byron goes inside.

The opening sex scene starts at around 5 minutes, and the music is very romantic, soft, and you find two women on a brown couch. One is a blonde, and one is a brunette, and they are simply kissing. Bunnie Blake, and Careena Collins kiss and slowly work through a lesbian opening sequence. The music shifts and in comes a young Tom Byron. I’ve seen more Tom Byron scenes than any other actor in the business at this point, and here he is, throwing down with two women, as they begin to blow him. The two women share his throbbing member, and the music turn sinto a bit more porn-chic element. This is a fast moving scene, mind you, and Byron is just enjoying every minute of getting blown by two beautiful women. This isn’t a long scene, no one is shaved, and Byron goes through both women at one point, before he eventually can’t hold it together, the camera shakes and he cums on the pubic hair of one girl while another gets really close for the money shot in her face, and licks up the cum after the fact. The scene has some good chemistry, and some solid momentum, although the music made me laugh. Not the best scene, but Byron seems to have enjoyed this threesome, and the women weren’t half bad, making it at least passable.

The next scene shows our solider coming up on a van and seeing that there is someone locked inside. He knocks out the two guys outside of the van, and then takes the girl away, saving here.

Another scene shows a couple of con artists trying to get someone to stop along the side of the road. One beats up a driver and then hijacks a car, and a country tune plays. This is comical, and unnecessary. But hey, it’s 1986, and we need a plot to this porno.

Switching ears, Peter North talks to a woman and talks about what is going. My VHS copy of this tape started to mess up a little, but we get more of the story. The woman saved was headed to a brothel, where she had to work against her will. But now she’s saved. As she talks, we are sent to another sex scene, where a man and a brunette with big hair are making out in front of a fireplace.

This scene features Krista Lane and Ray Wells. It’s an average sex scene with a jazzy musical score. No one is shaved again, there’s no condoms, and the two don’t seem to have a lot of chemistry. Lane does most of the work here, although Wells seems to hold off from cumming too fast. This is not a very sexy scene, although it works for what it is. The director does do some good close ups of the action, but there are also edits where you see Wells’ face too long, and then Lane’s body moving, but not penetration. There’s no one sweating here, and it’s apparent that the two are just doing the job, and not really into one another. Eventually Lane starts to really get into it, and moans and nearly screams, as she gets close to orgasm. The money shot occurs when Wells goes Russian with Lane and cums on her neck and chest, although it’s not a big load to speak of, which the director doesn’t even get too close to. It’s a minimal amount of an ender, and Lane doesn’t even seem that excited, making this a dull scene.

The movie then shifts back to Peter North and the woman he saved. She tells him that he needs to go to some building and stop a bomb that is going to go off. After that we see the villains talking to the boss and talking about how the woman they had escaped.

Another scene features the two con men that stole a car, just driving down the road. Then you get aerial shots of old Malibu, California. This is just an odd sequence of movie elements before you get back to Peter North, with a pair of binoculars looking at a house.

Inside the house we get our next sex scene. A jazzy tune starts and you see Careena Collins, Francois, and Ray Wells having a threesome. This is a basic three some, and it appears to have dubbed in sounds. Careena Collins does have a little moaning done here and there, but the tape dub is bad. Francois is funny here, he’s all oiled up, and it’s interesting to see him contrast with Wells. At one point Careena Collins’ has dubed over statements that are not in the same scene, and it’s funny. Then you get male voice overs, making this one of the worst scenes I’ve ever seen. If you like terrible porn, you have to seek out this scene just to laugh at how bad the audio design is. The direction is also clumsy, but the audio is just tremendously bad. The two have sex with the brunette here, and it’s not terrible. There’s a money shot on her breasts, no double penetration or anything like that, just terrible dubbing. I couldn’t believe how bad this scene was. Just horrendous. Wells doesn’t even finish he stays hard after the seen ends, which is odd to me, but hey, that’s porno for you.

The movie moves to Peter North with a gun, then a city scene of Los Angeles from the 1980s. We are then shown two bad guys get beat up by North, and he jumps on the stolen motorcycle and takes off. Our hero finds the house he was looking at and attacks, going inside, and saving a woman that is tied up. They leave the room, and then the scene cuts to another couple having sex.

Candie Evans and Francois have sex on a water bed in this scene. Francois is an oiled up, tanned dude with a bad circumcision. Candie Evans is a blonde haired 1980s pin up looking porno girl. Again, no one is shaved, the two seem to have minimal chemistry, and the music is laughable at times. I did appreciate watching a movie with a waterbed in it. Remember those? I never got to have sex on a water bed, which makes this scene all the more delightful. This is a standard sex scene, but I’m going to go out on a limb and assume Francois did gay porn, because his physique, motions, and overall lack of enthusiasm drives you away from the scene. He’s hard, Evans rides him, but this is as mechanical as two married people having sex after being together for 30 years. It’s not worthy of the porno world if you ask me. The ending of this scene features Evans blowing Francois until he cums, and that’s it. Not a great scene.

Peter North rescues the girl, and then meets the villain of this movie. The two face off, and North throws a knife at the villain! He then falls into a pool, and that’s it. Our hero prevails! It’s not bloody, it’s not action packed, it’s just somewhat boring. Peter North barely works through his lines here, and the bets actor is the non-sexual role that the villain has.

Once the villain is dead, Peter North goes inside to tell Bunnie Blake and she’s spread eagle waiting for him. BUnnie is a blonde haired woman, with curly hair, and Peter North is now a legend. The starting of this final sex scene is all oral. The two taking their time going through the motions of sex, with neither shaved, and no condom in sight. This is another waterbed scene, in the same waterbed that we saw before, with pale walls, and a yellow comforter to boot. The music is a military style drumming which is terrible, and you get close ups of all the action here. As far as Peter North scenes are concerned, this is one of the worst. Sure, Bunnie Blake has some chemistry with him, but it’s not a great scene, as the two are somewhat mechanical. The saving grace of this movie should’ve been a Peter North facial, or big cum shot, but for some reason the director did not focus on that, and we just see a finish with dubbed in moaning, and that’s it. I kid you not.

I give “Ramb-ohh!” a 1 out of 5.

Well, it was bound to happen. I was going to run into a movie that was so awful, I didn’t want to even get hard for it. This is one of those movies. This is the worst porno movie I’ve seen, in terms of sex. Sure, there was some story to it, and there is some production value. However, this is a seriously terrible movie, and if you love bad porno, then you’ll like it. Other than that, this is not one that’s going to make you want to get it on. Unless, you’re a collector of all things Peter North, in which case, go for it.

Dracula Sucks (1978) Review

Dracula Sucks (1978) Poster 

Today we go back to 1978 for the golden age of porno. The movie we are going to look at today is one that has film grain, was filmed on Hollywood style cameras, and has been adapted from an original work. This is of course, the 1978 picture known as “Dracula Sucks”. This is a pornographic movie, that is more akin to be called a “film”, because it has a lot of attention to minor details, and the film grain throughout. It’s very much a movie that deserves more than what I’m going to be giving it on this site, because of course this is a porno review site, and not something more elaborate. “Dracula Sucks” is one classic porno that doesn’t “suck”, at least not if you’re looking at golden era porno with some solid acting etc.

Now, I read that this version only runs 107 minutes, so I can’t really say that I am going to be reviewing something that is complete. The whole story is very much like Bram Stoker’s book at times. The film grain is there, the movie is very much an interesting take on the book, with sex thrown in for good measure. If you haven’t seen a lot of golden era porno, you’re going to be surprised by the pacing, and the way this one is filmed, because it very much resembles a movie from the Hammer Horror productions, and dare I say it’s better than many other pornographic movies from the time. I was pleasantly surprised by how the whole thing worked, and how the editors, director, and the cinematographers treated this movie. It very much seems like the production crew cares about the source material, as much as the sex.

The movie starts with the same thing you saw in the books and movies. A castle, a visitor, and a young man waking up Dracula. There are even quotes from the book here, and a lot of interesting points if you read the novel.

As the movie goes through, you start to get the sex, but not without Van Hellsing showing up, and other people, including Harker, and Mina, etc. If you know the book, then you know this story, it just has more sex.

The movie transitions from a narrative setup to sex, and we get our first taste featuring Annette Haven and Jamie Gillis. The two are out in the open and then start to go at it, as you’d expect. You only get a blow job here, and it’s slow, sensual, and the music is an old song, a little gospel, which really distracts considering the graphic blow job that you get. Annette Haven gives a passionate blow job, slow, and to completion, and that’s about it, not a long scene at all.

There’s a lot of time between sex scenes, because the narrative comes through a great deal. At a certain point I forgot that this was a porno movie. It’s fascinating, and really started to entertain. However, you know it’s a porno when you get around 30 minutes through. At that point Bill Margold shows up to talk to Pat Manning, and the two have sex in a comedic way. You don’t see penetration here, it’s just a quick sexual scene, and that’s it.

After this, apparently there was supposed to be 3 scenes in place, but they weren’t included in this version that I received. Instead, of those 3 scenes, the edited version for “Dracula Sucks” goes forward to John Holmes and Irene Best on a pool table. The maid and Holmes have slow, very slow sex, and it’s nearly cable version for the most part. The back ground music is just Dracula talking, and that’s about it. This is a boring sex scene, and really just looks interesting for those that like John Holmes, because there’s a sequence where he shows off his size, and then at a certain point gets his penis bit by a vampire! This actually isn’t half bad, it’s quite entertaining.

Now, I can’t be the most reliable here, but John Holmes is taken prisoner, and it appears that he is having sex with Seka at one point. The scene is supposed to be the thirteenth scene in the movie, and since I’m not 100% sure what’s going on, I can tell you this much, it is in fact Seka and Holmes having sex. This is a much more graphic scene then the rest, and Holmes seems to really have a good time with Seka here, and she seems to enjoy herself throughout the weird sex scene that has wolf sounds dubbed into the moaning, which distracts a great deal. The sex is cut so you don’t see the pop shot, making this an interesting choice for sure.

After this scene, there’s some transition, and then a sex scene with whom I believe is Kay Parker and Jamie Gillis, or John Leslie, but I’m not 100% sure of the guy. I know it’s Kay Parker for sure, and the scene is quick, and the finale is a pop shot on her all natural breasts. That’s it. Nothing crazy here.

The movie goes along with the plot again, following the same thing that you’d expect from Bram Stoker’s work, and it’s simple. There’s another sex scene featuring Dracula, and then Seka, a masturbation scene, and a little sex in the back of a car too. The focus here is not on the sex, mind you, it’s more on the story driven development of the Dracula story, so I’m all confused as to why this was a porno.

The grand finale features Annette Haven and Jamie Gillis, according to IAFD, and they have a simple love making scene, and that’s it. It’s full penetration, but the focus is on the slow love making, not the bigger pornographic element that you’d expect. It’s interesting to see, mind you, but it’s definitely not what you’d expect. It’s a “love making” scene, and well that’s ok for what it is, but don’t expect hardcore sex in this porno.

I give Dracula Sucks a 2 out of 5 on the porno scale.

“Dracula Sucks” from 1978 is not a bad movie, but it’s just that, a movie. This is NOT at all a porno. Well it is and it is and isn’t all at the same time. The people that worked on this movie wanted to make a film, and they did that. Yes, there is a little sex, but it’s not as pornographic as any other movie I’ve reviewed thus far. Making this a real movie that you could watch with your girlfriend, wife, and others, and actually watch the whole thing. Again, this is not really a porno in the traditional sense at all.

You can purchase “Dracula Sucks” (1978) on DVD-R by clicking here.

Beverly Hills Cox (1986) Review

Beverly Hills Cox (1986) Poster 

Today we are going back to 1986 and we are going to look into a parody film that stars Ginger Lynn. That’s right, the famous porno actress, Ginger Lynn, one of my first crushes, and one of the super stars of adult film, stars in this movie, which was shot for the big screen. You can tell throughout the movie that this was meant to be seen in theaters, not just on home video, as the film grain throughout is very much something that you would see in a grind house theater. In my area it was the Pussycat Theater that would play these movies, so in 1986, it was definitely a movie that you’d see there. The stars of this film include, Sheri St. Clair, Tantala Ray, Nick Random, Bridgette Monet, Ginger Lynn, Randy West, Sharon Mitchell, Tess Ferre, Francois, Jerry Butler, Shone Tayler, and Jamie Gillis. The plot is simple enough, it’s about a private detective played by Ginger Lynn as she uncovers several different cases. She narrates a great deal of the movie, and it starts with her walking the streets, and then going into a sex dungeon, where she catches a perp. The movie in question and review for today is none other than the parody of “Beverly Hill Cop”. This movie from 1986 is called “Beverly Hill Cox”, and while it is a parody, it doesn’t resemble the Hollywood version at all.

While this was meant to be for the big screen, it doesn’t shy away from the sex component, it’s very much an adult movie as within 3 minutes you get penetration, and you are reminded that this is all about sex. I could only imagine this on the big screen. The opening sex scene features Sheri St. Clair, Tantala Ray, and Nick Random. The trio have sex for a few minutes, and then Random cums on a woman’s butt, and that’s it. Meanwhile, Ginger Lynn watches, and then snaps a photo of what is going on. She says, “Smile for your wife”, and then runs off.

The story moves along for a story line. The story is that Suzy Cox is on the case, and that’s about it. The movie has some non-sex roles, mostly about what is going on in the world of private detective work. Ginger Lynn, isn’t the greatest actress, but she works well overall. The rest of the cast that is in non-sex roles aren’t half bad either. This is actually a “movie” I cannot stress that enough. The editing is crisp, and it really feels like more than just a porno, which I absolutely love. You can actually watch this fully, without just fast forwarding to the sex. It had a little comedy, it had a lot of sex, and some good acting, even for 1986!

Moving forward, we see a stake out, and it features Sharon Mitchell listening in on Bridgette Monet and Ginger Lynn getting affectionate. They start to kiss, and get out of their clothes, only to start a lesbian scene. It’s subtle, and sensual, like you’re watching softcore porno, which isn’t awful, but it’s far from what you’d expect from Lynn and the 1980s, as other scenes are more hardcore in nature. It’s a nice sensual, romantic, lesbian scene, that’s for sure.

This starts turning on Sharon Mitchell, remember, it’s a stake out. She gets turned on so much that she starts to grope Randy West, in the back seat of a car, and then they start to go at it. West and Mitchell have real chemistry here, and it’s really Mitchell that really pushes the scene, and the sexuality of the whole thing. West is just a by standard, and while he’s definitely into it, it’s Sharon Mitchell’s performance that takes the cake here, she’s really into it on all fronts, and creates such a good atmosphere of sex, that you start to get turned on. The director keeps going back to the lesbian scene, though, cutting back and forth, which I hate. I always hate when directors go from one scene to the next, in the middle of their sex scenes. The lesbian scene is romantic, soft, subtle, and well timed, meanwhile the car sex is fast, hard, and passionate. The sex doesn’t last too long, and eventually Randy West cums on Mitchell’s pubic hair. The two have serious chemistry, here, and it’s definitely not a long scene, but it works very well for what it is.

The movie moves forward to another scene, featuring a salesman trying to sell a woman on a dress. She goes to a dressing room, and the camera follows, naturally. The salesman yells out to another guy who is showing clothing to a customer, and it’s there that you see another sex scene, although somewhat robotic compared to what was just shown on the screen. Tess Ferre and Francois have sex in a dressing room. This is slow and methodical, without much passion at all. They go through the motions, and the most interesting thing is that Tess Ferre’s hair has sparkly stuff in it, so that’s kind of neat. Other than that, this is a scene that is somewhat boring and relatively easy to watch. Francois evetnaully cums, and that’s that. It’s a boring sex scene in a dressing room at a department store. Meanwhile, Ginger Lynn listens in another stall.

Ginger Lynn moves to another scene, going to a mechanic this time to get help with her car. She then becomes attracted to him, and the two start making out. There’s a lot of art given to this scene, with a lot of play with lighting, and music. The 1980s synth rock is not bad, but the sex scene is slow, and very “artsy” in a way. Lynn is juxtaposed with a Ferrari, and the mechanic keeps his shoes on, while Lynn gets into the action. This is not a great scene, as the two are mechanical (no pun intended) in nature. Eventually the mechanic cums on Lynn’s back, and that’s it. This is a short sex scene, and not that fun to watch. Lynn does ok, but Jerry Butler isn’t exactly grand, as he goes through the motions without any real passion. This was an “artsy” scene, that’s all I can say about that. Jerry Butler and Ginger Lynn do the deed, but meh, it’s not exciting.

The next scene features a phone call with a person detective agency and her women. She yells at the girls and says to not get in the way, and to keep an eye on their client. That transitions to another driving sequence, featuring Lynn, in Beverly Hills and finding different people. If you’re into story lines, then this is something that you’ll like. Because the story continues to be about the case, in which Cox is working, and she continues to use it properly. Next up, maids are at a party chopping things, and Ginger Lynn crashes the party in a black haired wig. She then moves around the party, and finds the client and shows up to a hot tub, where she grabs Sharon Mitchell and throws her in the tub! Shone Taylor then puts the moves on Sharon and the two start to go at it in a hot tub.

Sharon Mitchell and Shone Taylor go through to a blow job. Meanwhile, the camera cuts to Cox roaming around the mansion. While Mitchell continues to blow Taylor, her partner calls, and she tells her that Cox is roaming around. The camera cuts between the sex, and what Cox is doing, which is terrible, but hey, that’s just me. The movie shows off a lot of the sex, but also shows the story line developing towards the end. This must be because the movie was supposed to be for the big screen, otherwise what’s the point of transitioning so much? Mitchell’s performance here is great, once again showing off how much she seems to enjoy the process of movie making and sex. If you haven’t seen her work, maybe this is a good starting point. This scene really is a matter of a blow job, that’s about it.

With the end of the hot tub scene, the director moves the movie to Ginger Lynn, she’s investigating a room where Jamie Gillis finds her. The two talk about what’s going on in the night. They sit down and have champagne, and you know what’s going to happen next, right? The harpsichord music begins, and the two start kissing on the bed, and slowly start to work through what will be the last sex scene. Jamie Gillis and Ginger Lynn go through a passionate love scene, which is hardcore in nature, no doubt, but it’s not “hardcore” in that it’s rough or anything. It’s like watching two people make love, which isn’t a bad thing, but it’s definitely odd to see in porno. Ginger Lynn seems to genuinely enjoy this scene, and Gillis actually goes beyond work mode, the two becoming symbiotic. This is a passionate, arousing sexual scene, that you can tell throughout the motions, and of course the music. The passionate music plays, Lynn cums a few times, and the two kiss, embrace, and seem to really enjoy this sequence of sex. This is not clean cut, new school sex, mind you, there’s a lot of pubic hair, there’s a lot of sexual positions, and the money shot is not a major factor.

The story line continues, and we find out that Gillis’s character is known as the “Boner Bandit”, and he’s the mark that Cox was looking for. Gillis confesses to Cox, and that’s the end. The movie fades into the credits, and that’s where it all ends. I can see how this could be part of a double feature, because it’s only 1 hour and 20 minutes long, and the sex, honestly, isn’t that long at all. It’s good at times, but there are several ones that aren’t grand. As the movie continues, you get to see the twist ending, which I won’t spoil, but that’s it. The credits roll, and you get some close up shots of the production and a few little blooper elements, and that’s the end of the movie. Not much else to say about this one.

I give “Beverly Hills Cox” a 4 out of 5.

Why such a high rating? Well, it’s really Sharon Mitchell and Ginger Lynn that sold me. Sharon Mitchell and Randy West have some real chemistry, the acting isn’t half bad, and Lynn’s final scene is hot and passionate. It’s not heavy, it’s just sexy, and that’s something that is grand about porno sometimes. It can entice, without going overboard.

You can purchase “Beverly Hill Cox” at a variety of locations, I got a VHS copy for review. 

The Fanny (1997) Review

The Fanny (1997) Poster 

The year was 1997. I was only a teenager and wasn’t supposed to be watching porno, but with cable television came The Spice Network. It’s there that I started my quest to see as much adult movie stuff as I could, but if you recall that channel, then you know that they didn’t’ show any penetration, just a lot of naked people, no blow jobs, no penises, nothing. You instead got to see items in front of the bumping and grinding so you always thought that there was nothing really going on. It was like basic cable soft core, without the slow down, and stuff. Well, that’s where I first was introduced to the movie, “The Fanny”, which was a Wicked Pictures production, and it stars a bunch of people I know from other movies, and what not. Some of the actors included Toni James, Peter North, Kay London, Ashley Renee, Brittany Andrews, Shawna Edwards, Tony Tedeschi, and Steve Drake. These are all veterans of the industry, of course, and the main character is supposed to be a parody of “The Nanny”, the classic television show. Brittany Andrews tries to do her best impression, and it kind of works, so if you’re a fan of the show, you’re going to like the way that this all works out.

The movie opens up with an introduction of The Fanny, and she works for a movie producer. The movie is a mix of comedy up front, and of course, sex throughout the movie. The first major sex scene doesn’t start until 8 minutes or so into the movie. This features Kay London, Toni James, and Peter North. They aren’t exactly great actors, but this isn’t about the acting, it’s about the sex, right? The sex stars and on comes the jazz music. New wave jazz is the worst, in my opinion, but that’s just my two cents. This features no condoms, and Peter North getting it on with two blondes. The blondes are similar in shape, size, and overall looks. However, one is more vocal than the other, and has a smoker’s voice. They seem to have a good sense of chemistry though, and while Peter North’s performances can range from mechanical to filled with passion, this is somewhere in the middle. The women seem to have more fun than North is, as they give each other oral as North goes to town in doggy style and other positions. If you’re a fan of lesbian sex, then you’ll like how Toni James and Kay London work here, meanwhile Peter North is just a stunt cock for the most part. Not a bad thing, but definitely not great either. After about ten or so minutes of sex, maybe a little longer, Peter North cums on both of the blondes, and that’s the end of the scene. The setting is the basement of a home, that’s been finished and has a black couch, and that’s that. The music keeps playing as North finishes. The most exciting part is the money shot, after he finishes, the women blow him, which I know for a fact is one of the most tantalizing things to do in the sexual world, so points for that.

Don’t want to read my ramblings? No problem, click here and purchase “The Fanny” on VOD and DVD by clicking here!

The movie transitions to Ashley Renee and Brittany Andrews talking. They are by a pool table, when things turn into a sexual romp. This is a lesbian scene that once again gets started with jazzy music. However, this time you get “cow bell” first. If you’re a fan of cowbell, you’ll definitely appreciate the starting line, but then comes the 1980s new wave keyboards, and you’re lost amidst large breasts, and lots of oral. This lesbian scene is in full character, so if you’re looking for a break from that, you aren’t going to find it here. Both women are thin, taller, and have a sense of passion in this scene. The two have fun with their hands, mouths, and moan a lot. It’s a standard lesbian scene, and not terrible, but not great either. It’s “functional” at best, and if you like two women getting it on, you’ll like this, as it works well for the most part.

Moving forward we get a transition, and then we see Tony Tedeschi talking to a random woman. Her name is Shawna Edwards, at least the actress’s name. As they start to kiss downstairs, upstairs, Kay London and Steve Drake start kissing, and so the director decides to go back and forth between the two sex scenes. This is a move I hate, honestly. I’d rather see one scene at a time, rather than jumping back and forth, but that’s just my take on things at this point. Tony Tedeschi wears a condom for his scene, which threw me off, since Peter North wasn’t wearing on in his scene. They are in the same couch area that the Peter North scene was in, so Shawna Edwards and Tony go for it. It’s not a bad scene, mind you, but it’s far from great. It’s porno, what can I say? It lacks a sense of passion, and you can tell that they are going through the motions, for the most part. There’s nothing wrong with that, but if you’re looking for that passionate, sexual romp, this doesn’t really showcase it, as Shawna Edwards seems lost amidst the bigger picture of porno, rather than focusing on the situation. But that happens sometimes. Steve Drake doesn’t wear a condom with Kay London, and the director switches between the two sex scenes editing back and forth. This device may work in regard to porno for the most part, but it’s something that’s not really needed as it takes away from the viewer’s romp. One thing I did notice was that upon going doggy with Tony Tedeschi and Shawna Edwards, he takes the condom off at one point, then puts it back on at one point. I’m not sure if this scene was filmed twice or not, but it’s obvious that there’s two takes and two different uses of condom and no condom. This scene is mechanical, while the Steve Drake and Kay London one is a little better, but not by much. The money shots here all land on the women’s stomach, and that’s it. Drake gives a little more gusto on the pubic hair of London, while Tedeschi finishes on the tattoo and stomach of Shawna Edwards. It’s not a bad scene, it’s just not great.

The end of the movie is up next, as there’s only one more scene left. Steve Drake and Tony Tedeschi ask The Fanny to stay. And then the inevitable happens, sex. All in character mind you, so if you had fantasies about seeing The Nanny in a sex scene, here you go, the finale, which features Brittany Andrews in a giant black hair wig, and Tony Tedeschi, doing his thing as always. The music is a little better here, mind you, and it’s an interesting departure from the rest of the smooth jazz that was playing earlier. It’s not terrible, but it’s not great, and it features slow moving keyboards, and mediocre synth drums. As for the sex, the foreplay is quite good overall. The two seem to have good chemistry during the oral, including rimming, which shows a close up throughout. However, when the actual sex starts, the two seem to lose steam at first, and Tony Tedeschi again dawns a condom. Andrews has a piercing down there, and the two seem to get more into it as the scene progresses. As the close up of Andrews and Tedeschi moves forward, you can see the glistening from how wet she’s getting, and how fun the scene must be overall, as she’s nearly squirting at one point. The sex goes on for a good while, and as you’d expect, after a few positions, things get rougher, and eventually Tony pulls out, removes the condom and cums on Andrews’ triple D breasts. That’s it, the full movie is over, and it ends with Andrews collecting cum and blowing Tony as the finale.

I give “The Nanny” a 3 out of 5.

There’s not a whole lot to save this movie. It’s a late 1990s Wicked Pictures movie, and it’s not horrendous. It has a few moments of comedy, and seeing Brittany Andrews in the wig is great. Other than that, it’s a standard porno from the late 1990s.

You can purchase “The Fanny” by going online and clicking here. The DVD version was released in 1999, but the VHS version was released in 1997. You can get it here, though.