Ramb-ohh! (1986) Review

Ramb-Ohh! (1986) VHS Cover

There are a lot of parodies of modern cinema. Many of them become porno movies, and today we are going to go back to a movie that was directed by a guy named Adam. This was released I n1986, and it is a movie that is a complete parody of the classic Rambo Franchise. The movie starts simple enough, and it is definitely one of the better movies to have a parody element to it, although, it’s still a porno. This was definitely meant to be seen on the big screen, as there is better acting, film grain, and a plot that involves a titular character. The movie today is called “Ramb-ohh!” and it stars Tom Byron, Bunnie Blake, Krista Lane, Ray Wells, Candie Evans, Peter North, and Ray Wells. This is a very 1980s movie as far as women are concerned, as they have big hair, and heels, and look like they just came off the set of a Motley Crue video.

We start the movie with people picking on a soldier, played by Peter North. He is getting called all sorts of names for being in Vietnam. He then steals a motorcycle and just goes along his way. In another scene, we see Tom Byron at a mansion, and some guy that looks like a villain talking on the phone, and the two exchange a few words before Byron goes inside.

The opening sex scene starts at around 5 minutes, and the music is very romantic, soft, and you find two women on a brown couch. One is a blonde, and one is a brunette, and they are simply kissing. Bunnie Blake, and Careena Collins kiss and slowly work through a lesbian opening sequence. The music shifts and in comes a young Tom Byron. I’ve seen more Tom Byron scenes than any other actor in the business at this point, and here he is, throwing down with two women, as they begin to blow him. The two women share his throbbing member, and the music turn sinto a bit more porn-chic element. This is a fast moving scene, mind you, and Byron is just enjoying every minute of getting blown by two beautiful women. This isn’t a long scene, no one is shaved, and Byron goes through both women at one point, before he eventually can’t hold it together, the camera shakes and he cums on the pubic hair of one girl while another gets really close for the money shot in her face, and licks up the cum after the fact. The scene has some good chemistry, and some solid momentum, although the music made me laugh. Not the best scene, but Byron seems to have enjoyed this threesome, and the women weren’t half bad, making it at least passable.

The next scene shows our solider coming up on a van and seeing that there is someone locked inside. He knocks out the two guys outside of the van, and then takes the girl away, saving here.

Another scene shows a couple of con artists trying to get someone to stop along the side of the road. One beats up a driver and then hijacks a car, and a country tune plays. This is comical, and unnecessary. But hey, it’s 1986, and we need a plot to this porno.

Switching ears, Peter North talks to a woman and talks about what is going. My VHS copy of this tape started to mess up a little, but we get more of the story. The woman saved was headed to a brothel, where she had to work against her will. But now she’s saved. As she talks, we are sent to another sex scene, where a man and a brunette with big hair are making out in front of a fireplace.

This scene features Krista Lane and Ray Wells. It’s an average sex scene with a jazzy musical score. No one is shaved again, there’s no condoms, and the two don’t seem to have a lot of chemistry. Lane does most of the work here, although Wells seems to hold off from cumming too fast. This is not a very sexy scene, although it works for what it is. The director does do some good close ups of the action, but there are also edits where you see Wells’ face too long, and then Lane’s body moving, but not penetration. There’s no one sweating here, and it’s apparent that the two are just doing the job, and not really into one another. Eventually Lane starts to really get into it, and moans and nearly screams, as she gets close to orgasm. The money shot occurs when Wells goes Russian with Lane and cums on her neck and chest, although it’s not a big load to speak of, which the director doesn’t even get too close to. It’s a minimal amount of an ender, and Lane doesn’t even seem that excited, making this a dull scene.

The movie then shifts back to Peter North and the woman he saved. She tells him that he needs to go to some building and stop a bomb that is going to go off. After that we see the villains talking to the boss and talking about how the woman they had escaped.

Another scene features the two con men that stole a car, just driving down the road. Then you get aerial shots of old Malibu, California. This is just an odd sequence of movie elements before you get back to Peter North, with a pair of binoculars looking at a house.

Inside the house we get our next sex scene. A jazzy tune starts and you see Careena Collins, Francois, and Ray Wells having a threesome. This is a basic three some, and it appears to have dubbed in sounds. Careena Collins does have a little moaning done here and there, but the tape dub is bad. Francois is funny here, he’s all oiled up, and it’s interesting to see him contrast with Wells. At one point Careena Collins’ has dubed over statements that are not in the same scene, and it’s funny. Then you get male voice overs, making this one of the worst scenes I’ve ever seen. If you like terrible porn, you have to seek out this scene just to laugh at how bad the audio design is. The direction is also clumsy, but the audio is just tremendously bad. The two have sex with the brunette here, and it’s not terrible. There’s a money shot on her breasts, no double penetration or anything like that, just terrible dubbing. I couldn’t believe how bad this scene was. Just horrendous. Wells doesn’t even finish he stays hard after the seen ends, which is odd to me, but hey, that’s porno for you.

The movie moves to Peter North with a gun, then a city scene of Los Angeles from the 1980s. We are then shown two bad guys get beat up by North, and he jumps on the stolen motorcycle and takes off. Our hero finds the house he was looking at and attacks, going inside, and saving a woman that is tied up. They leave the room, and then the scene cuts to another couple having sex.

Candie Evans and Francois have sex on a water bed in this scene. Francois is an oiled up, tanned dude with a bad circumcision. Candie Evans is a blonde haired 1980s pin up looking porno girl. Again, no one is shaved, the two seem to have minimal chemistry, and the music is laughable at times. I did appreciate watching a movie with a waterbed in it. Remember those? I never got to have sex on a water bed, which makes this scene all the more delightful. This is a standard sex scene, but I’m going to go out on a limb and assume Francois did gay porn, because his physique, motions, and overall lack of enthusiasm drives you away from the scene. He’s hard, Evans rides him, but this is as mechanical as two married people having sex after being together for 30 years. It’s not worthy of the porno world if you ask me. The ending of this scene features Evans blowing Francois until he cums, and that’s it. Not a great scene.

Peter North rescues the girl, and then meets the villain of this movie. The two face off, and North throws a knife at the villain! He then falls into a pool, and that’s it. Our hero prevails! It’s not bloody, it’s not action packed, it’s just somewhat boring. Peter North barely works through his lines here, and the bets actor is the non-sexual role that the villain has.

Once the villain is dead, Peter North goes inside to tell Bunnie Blake and she’s spread eagle waiting for him. BUnnie is a blonde haired woman, with curly hair, and Peter North is now a legend. The starting of this final sex scene is all oral. The two taking their time going through the motions of sex, with neither shaved, and no condom in sight. This is another waterbed scene, in the same waterbed that we saw before, with pale walls, and a yellow comforter to boot. The music is a military style drumming which is terrible, and you get close ups of all the action here. As far as Peter North scenes are concerned, this is one of the worst. Sure, Bunnie Blake has some chemistry with him, but it’s not a great scene, as the two are somewhat mechanical. The saving grace of this movie should’ve been a Peter North facial, or big cum shot, but for some reason the director did not focus on that, and we just see a finish with dubbed in moaning, and that’s it. I kid you not.

I give “Ramb-ohh!” a 1 out of 5.

Well, it was bound to happen. I was going to run into a movie that was so awful, I didn’t want to even get hard for it. This is one of those movies. This is the worst porno movie I’ve seen, in terms of sex. Sure, there was some story to it, and there is some production value. However, this is a seriously terrible movie, and if you love bad porno, then you’ll like it. Other than that, this is not one that’s going to make you want to get it on. Unless, you’re a collector of all things Peter North, in which case, go for it.