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| California BLondes (1986) VHS Poster |
The starting line of this movie involves, you guessed it, a blonde talking to a guy. She immediately takes her shorts off, and then pulls out a ruler. I kid you not, she pulls out a ruler and measures the man flaccid. It’s not big, as you can guess, and then she puts her mouth on it, and then goes to town to make it bigger. From there, there’s a weird transition and boom, they started going at it on the kitchen table. The transition from blowjob to straight sex is a bit startling, but hey, it’s a porno right? Briana Star and Scott Apollo do an ok job here, with Scott trying to throw in a little romance as he speeds up and just goes to work. Star is into it for the most part, but the music is distracting and she keeps messing up his hair. Scott is supposed to be kissing and licking Star’s breasts, but there were several moments where he was just rubbing his face around them, and not kissing them or sucking on them. I found that to be funny, and as the scene progressed it was obvious that he was just in “work” mode, not offering kissing, or any romance along the way. Meanwhile, Star just plays the role, and does theatrics to make it interesting, but the chemistry is just not what you may hope for in a porno, which is fine, it’s an adult movie, right?
If you’re a fan of oily, sweaty sex, then you’ll love the next scene, which starts fast and furious. Story is thrown out the window, and the title is odd too. Why? Because Nikki Knight here has black hair, in a movie called “California Blondes”! That threw me off for a moment, but Tony Montana enjoying the two women basically compete to give him head was interesting, and Blondi shows that she’s truly bisexual here. The threesome put on a lot of oil and then go to town on Tony Montana, before he gets into both women, in a scene that has a lot of passion to it. There’s a lot of action here, from every position to Montana withholding cumming for some time, a magnum opus to the fun that porn stars can have. Good on him, I don’t know how he managed, in an age without Viagra. Dude went the distance for this scene, an applause for him, and if you’re turned on by passion ate threesomes, this one is for you, especially the double hand job, holy crap, I had to stop watching for a minute and take a cold shower, or else I wouldn’t be able to finish the review. It’s that good. Holy crap. I would have done this for free, Montana got paid, lucky bastard! This is the scene that makes this movie, by the way.
Frank James and Briana star move the story along and the only thing that was compelling here was the initial measuring of the penis. I’m not sure why Briana Star is measuring flaccid penises or starting blowjobs while her costars are flaccid, but it’s an interesting little note. Here, Frank James has extra foreskin, which is something that I like to see in my porno movies, and I won’t say why. Star here looks like Courtney Love, so if you’re a fan of Hole and like Love, then you may want to imagine this is what she looks like when she’s having sex with people. I kid you not. James sweats like there’s no tomorrow, but Star seems to be very into this scene, getting wet fast, and going to town with James to some terrible synth pop. The décor of the apartment that they are in is funny, especially the couch that looks like it has white leaves all over it. Perhaps the funniest of elements of this scene is midway through the sex where Samantha Coy walks in on the sex, and casually announces that she’s home, etc. Then leaves the apartment. The two actors don’t stop either, they just keep going with passion and fury. Another classic sequence, but I will knock down a few points due to editing. There’s jump cuts here, which I never understood in porn, but hey, that’s what the director wanted. James has a full bush, to Star’s blondish pubic hair, and the two seem to genuinely enjoy their scene. Another good one for this flick.
Tony Montana gets another shot in this movie, this time getting to work with Blondi. Blondi looks familiar, and I may have met her in my days in the business, but I can’t remember. In this scene, she seems to click with Montana, which was evident in the other scene that she’s in with him. In this one she goes nuts on her blow job, and Montana is once again treated like a king. Blondi’s bright eyes may make you fall in love with her, as she has these stunning eyes, to top off her technique of sucking Montana’s soul here. It’s a passionate, frenetic scene, that has terrible music, all done in the kitchen of the same set that Frank James and Briana Star had just contaminated with sweaty, fast paced sex.
Do you like moustaches? Well, Bill Dee is up next and he has one hell of a stache. This threw me off yet again, because Nikki Knight, as you know, doesn’t have blonde hair! What the hell, man? I guess I’m asking for too much based on a movie called “California Blondes”. Knight and Dee do ok, but there’s not the same intensity that Montana and Knight had in a previous scene. It’s not a bad scene, by any means, but it’s definitely not something that I’m going to stick out to me. I did like Knight’s makeup here, so perhaps that’s a saving grace. Dee is in full work mode, sweating up a storm and obviously trying to stop himself from cumming too soon, it’s obvious that he wants to bust several times here, and it’s funny to see the director pan from the sequence to edit what may have been a finish. What a hack job, right? Probably not.
The grand finale is an interesting one. Samantha Coy’s only scene in porno is up next, and it stars Scott Apollo and Billy Dee. Coy looks tentative in this scene, but her classic 1980s glam look immediately caught my attention. Her pale skin, red pubic hair, and bleached blonde hair sprayed hairdo really got me interested in seeing this one. However, it’s apparent that she was nervous, and though Apollo does well to oil her up and massage her into an easier movement forward, it’s obvious that she’s not long for the business. She gets it on with Apollo and Billy dee on a water bed of all places. Her skin has a lot of freckles, and her makeup is half-hazard, but it’s a throwback to the 1980s Hollywood Glam look so you may love her involvement. The sex is fine, but it’s apparent that she’s not that into it, while the guys are just trying to get through the scene. The music once again throws me off, and the water bed is the most intriguing of this whole scenario. Water beds were out by the time I was able to start having sex, so this is a fascinating turn for me, leaving me wondering about how sex was with the waves of water beds of yesteryear.
Ron Jeremy’s direction here is not half bad. His choices to zoom in and edit at times baffled me, but who am I to argue with the hedgehog? It’d be interested to discuss the movie with him, but I don’t have his contact information, nor do I know how much it would cost to get a sit-down interview with the guy. I’m broke, and I’m reviewing his flicks, so maybe someone can tell him to drop me a line. Or not. Ron Jeremy’s book didn’t highlight this production, as I recall, so maybe it wasn’t that big of a deal after all? This is not a great directorial spot for Jeremy, who doesn’t appear on camera, but hey, good for him, he’s a director too.
I give “California Blondes” a 3 out of 5.
It’s a gonzo release that kind of looks like it’s not going to go down that route, but it does. Historians may like that Samantha Coy only did one movie, otherwise this is a 2-scene flick, with an intriguing waterbed sequence at the end. I’m still wishing I could have had a shot with someone on a waterbed. This is not a great movie, but the threesome and any scene with Blondi is worth checking out.
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