Vendetta (2017) Review

Vendetta (2017) DVD and Poster 

Today we are going modern. We are going to venture into something that I don’t do often, and that’s going forward into something newer. With that in mind, let’s venture to the year 2017, April 2017 when a 95 minute movie from Wicked Pictures came out and started to win some serious awards. This is very much a high budget production, but that doesn’t mean that it has the film grain that I love. It is filmed in HD, but it’s still very much soap opera or Netflix style camera work. It is NOT like what you would see on the big screen, even from the golden era of porn. That doesn’t make it bad, it’s just a fact that I saw from the opening sequencing. It’s on par with a Mexican soap opera at times. This movie is called "Vendetta", and it is directed by Stormy Daniels, and is released by Wicked Pictures. The stars of this movie includes Asa Akira, Kleio Valentien, Stormy Daniels, Kenzie Taylor, Lucas Frost, Brendon Miller, Marcus London, Kimber Woods, and Michael Vegas. It’s not a long movie, but it has a plot that is going to be worth checking out for some, and for others, it will be another movie that they skip to the sex scenes, because afterall this is a porno, right?

Before jumping into the viewing, I want to look at the synopsis. In this movie, Celeste, our main character is left with a rich husband that is stuck in a wheelchair. She needs to find pleasure, and he can’t give it to her. The husband gets mad, and hires a private eye, and that creates some serious problems, as the woman is actually someone much more dangerous than he ever knew, hence the name, Vendetta. Fun, right?

Let’s get into the movie, roll it!

The opening scene shows Stormy Daniels riding a horse, and it’s legit her. She can ride, and that’s really cool. Daniels is a tall blonde, and she rides this horse with care, the camera editing enjoying her movements. She’s busty here, but she’s fully covered up, as she rides through the ups and downs of riding for sport. We are introduced to Celeste and her man, and we see how terrible the acting truly is. Stormy Daniels comes down the stairs, her husband just hanging out, and that’s it. She says she is going to leave, and decides to just take off. The husband calls someone and says she’s doing it again. She jumps in a car with Asa Akira, and away we go.

We then see the women driving to an undisclosed location, and then we see them pair up and find another woman and go into a bathroom. There’s red lighting here, and a sign that says that it’s a bathroom, as it says “toilet”, in case you’re not smart enough to pick up on it. The three women are at a club or somewhere, because the bathroom is lit with a red light, red light district type of thing. We see the tall blonde in Stormy Daniels, and we see Asa Akira a beautiful Asian woman, and Kleio Valentien a tall, tattooed blonde, and the three start to kiss and giggle, and then get into sex. The trio go through some standard lesbian sex, and then bring out toys for the camera to see. The camera work and editing here is ok, but the techno beat, the red lighting, and the constant cuts hurt my head. The moaning, and the process works well, and the women are beautiful, including wearing heels, tight dresses, and more. However, there’s a lack of something, that “it” factor, although the women use toys, go through DP with them, the confines of a bathroom doesn’t lend itself well enough for this scene to really get off the ground.

After the club scene, we then see Stormy Daniels and Asa Akira talking about random things. They try to act, and it’s not terrible. The makeup job on these women is really good. The camera editing is good, the conversation is bland, and we see the women supposedly at a restaurant, but it’s not that great at all. The set design leaves something to be desired. Meanwhile, as the women leave, there’s a random voyeur taking shots of them, most likely the private eye. The husband here is the same guy from the movie “Stupid Cupid” by the way! It’s Kyle Stone!

We are in a backyard now. We see Celeste and her husband just talking and having breakfast. The two argue about whether she has been faithful or not, and that makes her storm off. He starts to dial his phone and call a detective and say that he doesn’t know what to do. He then calls his lawyer. The lawyer then turns around after talking on the phone, and we get into a new sex scene.

The lawyer here is played by Kenzie Taylor. SHe’s a tall blonde with large breasts, tattoos, and a nice makeup job. She has large fake breasts, and invites Lucas Frost to kiss her and start to get through the motions of sex. Taylor takes her top off, as Lucas pulls her skirt down and underwear, before starting to give her oral. She’s pale, has a French tip manicure, and is quite sexy here. She has a full pubic mound of hair, and Lucas begins to use his fingers and tongue to get through the intiial warming of Taylor’s vagina, including making her cum at the 21 minute mark. She moans, and he continues, and this is one hell of a start to a scene. As far as looks are concerned, Taylor looks like a high end escort, and performs with a certain magnitude that you’d expect from them. Lucas Forst is not a big guy, he doesn’t have a giant penis, and is shaved completely. We get into deep throat here, and while it’s adequate, he seems to be in mechanical mode for the most part. A condom gets put on, and the sex begins, with that robotic push at first, but after a blow job that wasn’t half bad, it’s a welcome point of interest. It almost looks like there are two condoms being put on here, but it’s something that I can’t really qualify as a truth. It just looks that way to me. Taylor moans a great deal, keeps her garters on, and her stockings, as the positions shift from the desk, moving forward. The camera stays close enough, and the movie continues to the eventual cum shot in the face, and that’s that, nothing too complex, nothing too exciting, but rather just status quo for adult cinema in the modern era. I did appreciate the set being more than a warehouse and the dialogue moving the story along, but the rest was somewhat ordinary, for lack of a better term.

We move forward with a fade to black. Stormy Daniels and Asa Akira are having lunch on a balcony overlooking the Hollywood Hills. This is a house that is supposed to be a restaurant, but it really is just a home. Stormy Daniels goes to make a call in the bathroom, and she looks in the mirror, her husband calling her to find out where she is. She returns to the lunch table, and talks to Asa Akira. The two go through some boring dialogue about how if you cheat a lot you’ll get caught. They talk about how Celeste’s husband is dealing with being in a wheel chair and that things are tough.

We fade to black again, and then see Stormy Daniels in a full horse riding suit with Brendon Miller. Miller is a tattooed, hard looking guy, and Stormy looks great in a riding outfit. The two start to kiss a bit, and undress, showing off Stormy’s large breasts, and full figure. She’s blonde, she’s got a large frame, and she is definitely a hot blonde. The clothes come off and Stormy gets eaten out by Brendon Miller, with slow strokes of the tongue, as there is no music playing, and you get that high definition modern porn look into what is going on. Stormy gets on top for sex, and Miller has a condom on, she moves in and out with ease, doing a lot of the work up and down, and around, the two having a bit more than mechanical sex, with some kissing to boot. The two go through various positions, and end up doing well here, with Stormy making it seem like she’s really into the sex, including anal at one point. The anal option isn’t bad, but condoms are still in play. Eventually we get a cum shot into Stormy’s mouth, and she sucks Miller offer after the fact, which is always a fun thing to watch and experience. Stormy here is looking more like Janine because of a tattoo that she has around her pubic area and waist, alongside tattoos in other areas. She definitely is an alt girl here, and the sex, while interesting at times, is formulaic with Stormy just playing the role and not truly showcasing the passion that you’d want from a real sexual experience. Sure, it works, sure Miller cums, but he’s not a big guy, and the two work well enough to make the movie work well moving forward, but it’s just lacking something, and I think it’s passion. There are moments where it is really good, don’t get me wrong, and if you’re a fan of Stormy Daniels, you’ll like how she moves her body for this scene, as there are some great points.

After we see this, we go to a bar. At this bar we see Stormy and Asa talking about how someone’s trying to kill Stormy’s character. She says, that her husband has hired someone to kill her, and so here we go, the plot thickens a bit. Asa Akira goes over to the hitman that is sitting at the corner of the bar. Akira starts talking about how she thinks he’s Michael, and said that if he was Michael she was going to have sex with him.

Outside, we see Stormy and a random dude, and unfortunately her car has broken down. She agrees to go with him to a hotel. Meanwhile on the other side of the parking lot is Asa Akira, and she is in all black, talking to the hitman, and making out on a car.

Asa Akira is an asian woman with black hair, slim, and has large breasts, she gets her breasts exposed during the make out session, then Marcus London takes his pants off as she crouches down. It’s dark, but you can see he gets hard right away, and Akira starts to suck him off, going as hard as she can as he groans a bit. Akira continues to do this as the camera gets close and then pulls away, showing off Akira’s skill here. She’s quite enthusiastic overall, and really puts on a show until London cums in her face, and ends the scene. I guess he wasn’t the hitman after all?

The scene resets and we see Celeste, played by Stormy and the real hitman get behind closed doors. There’s a slight fade to black, before we see the guy poor some Woodford Reserve or Gentleman Jack, and the two start to drink. They sip whiskey, neat, and just look to be getting ready to get a little more comfortable. A donnybrook breaks out, and the two start to fight a bit, and there’s some sexual tension, before Celeste gets the better of the dude, and she chokes him out with a painting. After some time, she gives the guy a triangle choke hold before grabbing a vase and shattering it over his head. She knocks the dude out, and leaves him alone in the room.

The scene fades to black and we are taken to another room, this time it’s daylight and there are two people making out.

Kimber Woods has small breasts, black hair, and looks to be having a lot of fun with Michael Vegas. Vegas takes her top off and then starts to use his hands to please her, before taking off her pants and giving her more pleasure. The set here looks like a trailer park, with a green couch, and a random setup. This is an odd turn, but the sex is actually better than the rest of the movie. Vegas has a condom on, and he really goes far with Kimber, including nearly making her squirt at one point. This is the best sex scene in the movie, and by the time Vegas cums, it’s definitely warranted after the work he puts in to make Kimber moan and nearly scream at some point. Kimber is a nice girl, pretty, and wears heels for this, so if you’re a fan, you’ll love the sexual chemistry that Vegas and Kimber bring out together.

After the sex, we see Stormy Daniels show up, and pay off a woman to help with killing off her husband, at least that’s what we seem to be getting here. The scene ends and we see Celeste pointing a gun in the face of her husband. This last scene goes forward with finishing off the plot, and it involves a great deal of dialogue. After some time explaining, Celeste shoots her husband and away we go, the end.

I give “Vendetta” a 3 out of 5.

While I appreciate the cinematography, and attempts at better acting, I can only say that the sex isn’t that good. Stormy Daniels can write, act, ride horses, and make a good modern porno. It’s modern, it has a story that’s somewhat compelling, and it features enough sexual gusto to make it somewhat entertaining for a pornographic movie. Daniels is beautiful, I like her voice too, but in terms of sex, I can’t really recommend this one more than 3 out of 5. There are two stand out scenes in terms of sex, and the rest is story and somewhat mechanical. However, if you’re a fan of Stormy Daniels, and you like to see her in action, then you’ll want to check this one out for sure, it’s modern and it’s high budget.

John Leslie's Night Shift Nurses (1987) Review

John Leslie's Nightshift Nurses

Today, we go back to a topic that is near and dear to my heart. We talk about porno and nurses, and the original elements that made me raise an eyebrow when I was going through puberty. There’s something about nurses and sex, even to this day, and while the uniforms are all different now, I still think fondly of them for various reasons. Today we are going back to 1987, for a movie about some hard working medical staff, and the men they help. This movie is called “Night Shift Nurses” and it’s from 1987. The movie stars Dana Dylan, Lynn Franciss, Joey Silvera, D.J. Cone, Steve Henessey, Keisha, Jose Duval, John Leslie, Siobhan Hunter, Peter North, Bionca, and Lois Ayres. Some of these names you know, and some of them will be new, as they weren’t that famous, but hey, it’s 1987, and the VHS revolution was just gaining steam in the adult video world, so you probably didn’t buy this one, you rented it. Directed by John Leslie, “Night Shift Nurses” is another one of those nurse movies your dad probably hid on betamax.

The beginning of this movie is not pornographic. It shows a janitor mopping a floor, very much like you would expect from a horror movie. The camera is low, and you see a man mopping, and that’s it. There’s nothing sensual, nothing extreme, just a man mopping the floor, and just doing his job. There’s film grain here. There’s a nod to cinematography initially, but the lack of cuts and stationary camera, reminds you that this is not Hollywood, outright. I do appreciate the lighting, shadows, and set design, as this is certainly a hallway set, not just a random warehouse, without ceilings.

The opening sequence takes a turn. The janitor looks into a crack in a door way, and sees a doctor and two nurses. They are Dana Dylan, and Lynn Franciss, and the doctor is none other than Joey Silvera. There’s nothing shaved here, Silvera has full pubic hair, and he’s rock hard to start, but he’s not a big guy, as I may have stated before. We have a contrast in women, both slim, medium sized breasts, equally as pretty, one brunette and one blonde, and they kiss, suck, and make sure that Silvera stays in the moment. Meanwhile, the janitor starts to get hard, and puts his hands down his pants, as the camera juxtaposes manual stimulation, with Silvera and the nurses getting into a threesome behind closed doors. The sex starts with Silvera getting sucked off by one nurse, while he kisses another, and that’s enough gusto to get this movie rolling into what it is, a porno. Silvera here is golden, the women do their roles well, and the sex is swift, the editing is fast, and you really end up seeing both the sex, and the solo act all in the same scene, with a mix between the two. The brunette in this one is great, she rides silvera and seems like a natural against the blonde, but both definitely do work with Silvera. Meanwhile, Steve Henessey is outside the doorway masturbating. The trio have sex in a small room, with blue walls, and odd lighting, and yet it has a sexy quality to it that you cannot deny. There is anal around the 3 minute mark, mind you, so if you’re a fan of anal, there’s a few sequences of that.

Meanwhile the janitor is watching, and a nurse comes up on him to look at what he’s doing. The camera shows a very blonde, tall woman, and she just watches the janitor, and he of course looks into the room. While in doggy, the brunette and the janitor lock eyes, and the two have a moment while Silvera continues to anal. Silvera cums on the brunette’s lower back, and the janitor cums while the nurse keeps watching, and that knocks out two scenes in one edit.

The cool thing for me about this movie is that it’s dubbed in Spanish! Score me! I love when porno comes to me dubbed. The blonde from the hallway talks to an admin and he talks about how his staff needs to be up to snuff. The nurses are all busty, have big 1980s hair. The set here looks like a legit hospital, with admin files, overhead lighting, and shadows that you’d expect, but of course, it’s a set. The head nurse said that there is going to be an inspection later today, and that no one is going to lose their job. There’s a good overall plot point here, and that’s something that you’ll definitely note as something interesting. The movie goes to another room, and it’s the janitor cleaning, meanwhile Joey Silvera shows up to talk to him. Silvera says he just operated on a woman and that she had the biggest prostate ever, and the janitor tells him that only men have that. Silvera then talks about how he’s a detective, and that he is watching for changes, and more. Silvera is so natural here, with his bushy hair and mustache, he just exudes porn acting.

After the meeting in the random room, two nurses talk in the main lobby. They talk about how new uniforms were ordered, and they were on the way. Meanwhile, we end up going back to see the janitor cleaning, and inside a closet, when the head doctor comes in and puts on a lab coat. A woman comes into the doctor’s office, and says she has a headache that won’t go away. This is the 12 minute mark mind you, and the doctor looks at a file. The woman here is mature, made up like the late 1980s sitcom women would be, and has large red hair. The doctor makes some jokes, and tries to see what’s going on with the lady. She’s not having it, though, and she seems annoyed by the doctor’s lax methods. The doctor gets a phone call and says he has to go, but will be right back. The janitor comes out of the closet, and the woman grabs him, and pulls his pants down.

For this scene we see D.J. Cone, a redhead that looks a lot like your standard 1980s sitcom mom, and Steve Henessey, she blows Henessey a little, then seems frustrated when the doctor comes back yelling. The doctor comes in and recommends that we look into getting her temperature rectally, and we see him put a thermometer in her butt. The doctor gets a phone call again and says he will be right back. This time, D.J. Cone is nude, and as the janitor comes out of the closet again, he encounters Cone naked, and once again she pulls his pants down and wants to get action. The funky music starts and Cone gets really horny here, as Henessey just gets blown.

The scene cuts and we go to the lobby, and the doctor is yelling and muttering random bs, before we go back to the sex scene. I don’t know why there are edits of this type, but

Cone has full red pubic hair, and Henessey is big, as he goes in deep on the doctor’s table. The shadows here indicate studio lights from where the camera is facing, into the action. You can tell that this is not a real hospital, but a poorly dressed set. After some pumps, the janitor cums and Cone wipes herself up and then puts the thermometer back in her anus, and that’s it. The doctor returns and he starts to talk about what they can do to help her. She gets dressed, smiles, and we move along to the next scenario.

For the next scene we are back in the locker room. We see 4 nurses, all with big 1980s hair, and Joey Silvera sitting on a blue couch. The women are just talking randomly, and saying that they are not going to go anywhere until the inspectors have come through and gone through their work.

Moving forward, we see the blonde head nurse, and a young woman asking for a young man regarding seeing a young man, named Johnson. She claims that she’s his sister, and that she is a nurse. Harry Johnson, is of course the joke here, and the lady wants to do a good deed. She said she’d wait for up to 5 hours for Harry Johnson to get out of surgery.

The scene changes and we see three nurses laughing and giggling in a hallway. They said that they should give a bath to a random guy, and that he’s a fun dude to hang with. The women come through, and we get into a room where you know it’s a set. There’s a makeshift door, a blue wall with a 2 x 4 cross beam in the background. This is a set, you can tell by the way the shots are setup, and the women come in from an outer hallway. The shadows are cast as though there are studio lights overhead and off screen, while a hard camera and director situate themselves away from the action. Immediately, one of the women takes off her white panties, and we start to move forward to what will be the next sex scene. The women approach Peter North, as he is sleeping, and they all talk about what they should do first. One of them suggests that they use their tongue to wake him up. Bionca, Lynn Franciss, and Sheena Horne are the 3 women here, and they each have small breasts, thin frames, and large 1980s hairspray hair. They are straight out of the 1980s with their style, and all are wearing the white nurses uniforms that all nurses wore back in the proverbial day. There are two blondes and two brunettes getting in on the action, and immediately get Peter North hard. The women leave North asleep, and start to make out, and then do themselves while he is asleep. North has an odd penis here, where it flops up towards him, like he was using a penis pump, and it’s not all the way hard, until he starts to rub it and bring it up straight. There’s a terrible rock soundtrack, and the camera moves in front of him stroking, classic North style. The women get naked at this point. Through the shifting of the women’s positions, we get a threesome that is somewhat slow and steady, with North not wearing a condom, and the women taking turns riding him as he wakes up from his coma. The end comes with a Peter North cum blast on two women, and that’s about it. They dubbed the moaning! That’s when I notice they dubbed the freakin moaning! This scene was fast and simple.

Joey Silvera looks like Kurt Vonnegut by the way!

After the fourway sex scene we see Joey Silvera coming through and talking about how his head hurts. He talks about how he is having a hard time dealing with certain things. He then tells the head nurse that he’s on a mission and can’t seem to find the answers. Then goes to the Johnson sister and she talks to him a little.

We then move to the locker room, or break room, so to speak. It’s where the lockers are, and we see Keisha, a busty brunette with too much makeup, and Jose Duval. Duval is a thin, older looking dude, and he immediately jumps into the scene and takes over saying he is the man that wrestles himself, nude, and starts to take his clothing off in front of Keisha. Keisha is wearing a nurses uniform, is somewhat tall, has natural breasts, and without makeup, wouldn’t look so great. The dude is older, Duval is wearing a black thong, and he starts to wrestle himself. Duval is the luckiest man in porno, because this is too funny to me. He tries to wrestle himself, before Keisha starts to rub herself. This is a low point in the movie, as you see that he wrestles himself, and he says that sometimes he loses himself. Keisha asks him if he has ever wrestled a man, and Duval said that he has never wrestled them, but he would totally wrestle her. Keisha starts to suck the old man off, and he has a hard time taking the bra off of his woman, but she continues to suck Duval in a slow, methodical manner. The old man and the woman do it doggy style, and it’s a lackluster scene with a cum shot that is not that great. Duval does not have a big penis, or anything, and the cum blast is short, before the end shows Keisha sucking him off, and then tells hi m that he is very attractive, and then we move forward. That was beyond the lowest of the low in terms of sex. Duval is hairy, skinny, and while Keisha is good here, she’s not great, and just goes through the motions.

We move along and we see a woman praying with Peter North. There’s a prayer that occurs here, with Siobhan Hunter, a tall, red haired woman that claims she is a nun in an order of certain women. She prays a little with Peter North then begins to suck him off, fully clothed, mind you, until John Leslie walks in on them. The terrible music comes in, and Leslie starts to take off her shirt. We see more of Hunter’s body, and she has long red hair, small breasts, and light skin. The music throws me off, as I try to make sense of the room, which is terribly lit this time, with a two camera model that is just bad as the editing moves through several hard cuts. During this sequences, Leslie goes from behind while Peter North gets blown while John Leslie forces Hunter to bite a condom package open, then the camera slows down for her to start having sex with North, without the condom, mind you. We then see the action, and it’s Leslie with a condom going in anal, while North goes in the other side. You get double penetration here, and the condom is so yellow, and so dark, while the sex continues, and the two men have their way with this woman. The finish shows Leslie taking off his condom, then cumming on her backside while holding the condom in the other hand, while the soft keyboard music plays, and then Leslie walks away. While Leslie goes to another bed, North is finished off, but we don’t see a a cum shot, just a hard cut as he says that the nurses are too much.

There’s a hard cut, and we see the head nurse talking to Joey Silvera as he comes through and says that she has stolen all of their uniforms. So we see the head nurse yelling at Silvera, and saying that the nun stole clothing and what not. We then see Silvera in a bath robe run away, and then ask for Linda to come through and help him. out. The movie shows Silvera talking to a nurse and just talking about adoration, and how he wants her to work with him.

We get a long shot, then into the sex, as Joey Silvera and Bionca have sex on the floor of the hospital. Continuity wise this makes little sense, and why would they have sex on the hard floor in a hospital? For goodness sakes, this has only a couple of positions, and back and forth, with Silvera trying to hang on for a short romp. Silvera is rock hard, and goes into Bionca straight way, with her legs up, and him pushing in with bad kissing. Silvera tries to kiss Bionca at the one hour mark, and it shows that she isn’t into kissing, and it throws me off a little. There is a cum shot, and a random teddy bear, yes a teddy bear in a mop bucket watching them.

After that, we end up going forward to the waiting room, where the nurses are talking to the nun. She said that she is not the inspector, and is just a nun and is waiting for her brother. She says that the women are prostitutes, and that they are nothing short of being sluts. That’s it. We then see Silvera and Bionca cuddling and that’s about it.

The last scene shows the janitor and Lois Ayres. Ayres comes into his work area and just says that he needs to be quiet and do her now. Lois Ayres is the head nurse, she’s very blonde. Ayres and Steve Henessey starts to kiss, and we get a terrible view from above. They are supposed to be in a janitor’s closet, but the makeshift walls are obviously fake, and the scene moves fast into a blow job. Lois Ayres bleach blonde hair and white pale skin allows for contrast with Steve’s dark skin. She blows him and the music intensifies, before they start to get into the sex, which isn’t too good, but hey there’s no condom here. The sex is a quicky at best, and it is heavily edited, so you only get a few pumps before Henessey cums and that’s it. It’s at this point that I think Lois Ayres is wearing a wig. The two have sex, it’s quick, and he cums and it’s not romantic at all, but then again, it doesn’t need to be. The camera barely hits penetration, and the dubbing is just so bad here, that I don’t want to see it. It slows down at the cum shot, but you don’t see it, it just slows down, and we get a hard cut.

The camera zooms in and the music starts to get louder, and we get a hard cut back to the lobby and we realize that it’s Henry Johnson not Harry Johnson, but it doesn’t matter. Silvera comes back and says he found the uniforms and then we see everyone laughing. She comes through and says that the inspection is being done by Edwin Justice, and then Duval comes through and said he’s the man that wrestles himself, and that’s it. He gets carted away, the women and the guys look at one another, and says that they all passed the inspection.

I give “Night Shift Nurses” a 2 out of 5.

This is perhaps the worse nurse themed porno movie that I’ve ever seen, and at the same time, I’m attracted to nurse movies, because I love the uniforms. It’s not a terrible movie, but it’s far from good, a 2 out of 5, as it had a good plot, but other than that, I’ll pass on a repeat viewing. But hey, why not check out "Night Shift Nurses" anyway?

Sperma-Lust (1991) Review

Caroyl Lynn's "Sperma-Lust" from 1991

For this review we are going to 1991. Back to when the cover made you want to rent a movie, and see something sexy. That being said, this movie takes us to a foreign land, to see Carol Lynn, Dirk Braeter, Eric Benson, Corinne Helner, Dietmar Z, Marine Cartier, and Gabriel Pontello in the classic, “Sperma-Lust”. I don’t know anything about this movie, other than it’s a foreign movie, and it has film grain, and looks like a real movie, not just a gonzo flick. That doesn’t mean that it’s going to be any good, etc. It’s in a foreign language as well, so I can’t really speak to what they are saying. This movie was directed by Harr S. Morgan, and was distributed by Videorama. It was part of the Carol Lynn Pictures company, and was released in 1991.

We move forward to a scene where Carol Lynn is playing chess with an old man. She is getting thrown out of a home, and then the old man is helping her. We move in and out of different scenes that is in her imagination, and it involves sexual fantasies, and a random dude talking over cum shots, and random moments that are to come. This is an odd introduction of sorts, but the music isn’t half bad. Carol Lynn looks like a sister of Traci Lords, blonde hair, innocent looking face, and natural breasts. She has that European look, slightly open mouth, nice bright eyes, and an innocent look to her that makes this an interesting movie.

As Carol Lynn walks through her home, a random short dude shows up. He looks like Mtv’s Beavis, and brings her a phone. On the phone it’s a dude speaking German, I think. I can’t tell the language, sorry. But she listens to the phone, and then gets instructions, while the due just waits on her. I’m assuming it’s a butler. Carol Lynn sits down, and Dirk Braeter gets to his knees, and we get some soft piano music to start the sex. Carol Lynn is not shaved, and she starts getting oral from Dirk. Dirk has full pubic hair too, and he seems to please Lynn with relative ease. There’s a techno beat that starts, and the two engage in the most robotic of sex, with barely a moan from Lynn, and Dirk looking like he’s just lucky to get some, which makes this first sex scene a bit problematic on several levels. At this point, I start to realize that the set is not bad, the lighting is good, and the film grain makes this movie look more important than it really is. However, I found the sex itself, the pure sex to be boring. I get it, a millionaire is on the phone and wants to listen to the sounds of sex, but it’s mechanical and boring to say the last. There are multiple positions, and the background tapestry is cool, but Lynn’s subtle moaning, and final cum shot on her chest was just not worth price of admission. I got bored, and well, that’s not a good thing for a movie, but I must admit the set design is killer, so there’s that.

We move to another part of the mansion. I can only assume we are in a mansion, because Carol Lynn goes outside for a swim, and it’s still on the property. Lynn swims up towards Eric Benson and a blonde having sex on a diving board. The woman is only credited as “Girl”, but she’s a skinny blonde with medium size breasts, while Carol Lynn comes through with a black one piece swimsuit. Benson gets blown until Lynn comes in and starts to go with the lady and blow him, getting a duel blow job, and the techno music begins again. The scene is outdoors, has an orange tint, and is a little more enthusiastic compared to the previous scene. The girl is not fully lesbian, and it shows, with Carol Lynn forcing some of the movements here and there. Benson goes from position to position easily, he’s fully shaved, and anal looks good, but the women try to make it a little smoother, and it’s just not good. Lynn keeping her bathing suit on is still fascintaing, but the sex is just between Benson and the girl with no credit. After the cum shot, Lynn swims away, and that’s it. The camera shows Lynn going away and going back into her house.

Inside the mansion, Lynn goes and moves a chess piece, and then just looks at a list, and that’s it. It’s fascinating to see how pretty she is in a one piece swimsuit, in a porno that is meant to be far more sexy.

She goes out of a door and there’s a woman there with bondage gear. She hands it over to Lynn and she starts to get dressed. The two women go down to a garden area, and that’s where a woman in red fishnets is getting plowed by a random dude, while two other guys are masturbating. The performers here include, Christina Stevens, Carol Lynn, Corinne Hefner, Dietmar Z., Dirk Braeter, and Eric Benson. There’s some techno coming through, and then we see the guys take turns with the woman, going in and out. Only one woman has sex here, and after the guys cum, it turns into a lesbian scene.

After the orgy, out Christian Stevens, a tall blonde, and Carol Lynn start to make out and have sex. The two start to kiss one another, then go into oral, and more. It’s a lesbian sex scene that seems to be more prominent than the other solutions overall. It’s a short scene, and does’nt get too hardcore before Lynn decides to leave.

Going forward, we see two women talking, and after some chess games, in comes in Dirk Braeter again, and this time he gets hard with Christina Stevens. Christina Stevens wears a tight black leather dress, and has big hair, and she pulls it up and lets Dirk get in from the rear. She moans a bit more than Lynn, and the two get started in doggystyle, while standing. The setting here is a real kitchen, with obvious German elements, including glasses, pots and pans, and more. The two go through three different positions, and eventually Dirk cums on Stevens’ pubic hair, and that’s it.

After the kitchen sex, we see Marine Cartier walks into a hallway, and there are two naked guys waiting for her. She’s fully shaved, and she gets on a small tuffet and starts to suck off Dirk Braeter and Eric Benson. She’s passionate here, the music shifts, and it’s not bad. Cartier has black hair, is thin, fully shaved, and has a unique look. Meanwhile, Christina Stevens watches on, and gets heated. The sex is fine, there’s anal, and there’s oral, and out comes Stevens to help too, but before it ended, we get cut to see Stevens talking to Lynn, and then back to the sex. The return sees double penetration, with Marine Cartier getting it in two holes, while Stevens gets in close to watch. This is somewhat slow moving, and just goes forward, if you’re a fan of DP, then you’ll like how this scene turns out, with the juxtaposition of Stevens’ fingernail polish, the two guys going in and out, and the camera staying in the action. Christina Stevens, Marine Cartier, Dirk Braeter, and Eric Benson goes well here. The DP cums ends with cumming in both holes, well outside of the holes and that’s it.

The sex stops for a whlie, and we are sent back to the ktichen where Caroly Lynn and Christina Stevens start to talk and just speak to the past, and the future. They talk lovingly.

After the talking, Dietmar Z. Shows up and he’s naked, and hard. Carol Lynn starts to jack him off a little, and then sucks his cock. She is enthused here, and Z really gets up for it, as Lynn starts to really get into it, then he shoves aside a few things, and the two start to have sex on the table. The dud’s facial hair is epic here, and he’s not big, he’s just wide, and goes all in on Lynn. THis is a short sex scene, finished off by Z cumming on Lynn’s chest, and that’s it. Lynn moans a lot more here, and that’s that. The same kitchen set as before, mind you. After Z cums he leaves, and Stevens comes back to the ktichen to see what is going on, and rubs the cum all over Lynn’s chest.

After these scenes, Lynn is thrown out of the mansion, and runs into Gabriel Pontello. He gives her some sweet talk, and she gets on her hands and knees to blow him. The two stand up, kiss, and Lynn’s top comes down a little, then we see some stand up doggy to end the film, in a short manner. Pontello and Lynn have a short minor sex scene, with a lot of focus on Lynn’s moans and hand as Pontello pounds aay into a finish line that is somewhat less about passion and more about completing the task, and eventually cums, while Lynn furiously masturbates at the same time. SHe moans and nearly screams at one point, and that’s the end, end of the line.

I give “Sperma-Lust” a 2 out of 5.

This is not a great movie. The film grain is good, Lynn is attractive, but the sex overall is just robotic, with the sole exception being the 9 minute ending, which Lynn really gets into because she masturbates at the same time she’s getting pounded, and Pontello keeps pushing until he can’t hold on any longer. The director’s editing sucks, the music is horrible, and the lighting is hit and miss. However, as far as a European sex film, it works, and in a bind, you’ll probably like it.

What’s Butt Got To Do With It (1993) Review

WHat's Butt Got To Do With It (1993) 

Today we are going to be moving back to 1993 for a movie that was directed by Nic Cream, and has some good production value up front. The movie moves fast, and the story is simple, with production quality that is on the tip of the VHS scale. There is no film grain here, it’s comedically bad, but hey it’s 1993 and this is another movie. The movie we are going to review today is, “What’s Butt Got To Do With It”, and it stars Janet Jacme, Julian St. Jox, Ariel Daye, Tina Tyler, Lyndon Johnson, Ron Jeremy, Persia, Diana Knight, Dave Hardman, and Dick Nasty. These are not exactly all amazing names in the industry, but hey, they are in this movie from 1993, and we are going forward fast.

The movie starts with the credits, then we see a woman at a microphone about to sing. Her producer comes in and says that she’s singing wrong and that she’s stupid. He then goes off screen, and music comes through. We see things stop, and a large breasted blonde woman gets up and goes off screen. Then we see the singer and another woman talk, and the two discuss how the music world is so tough unless you give up something.

There’s a hard cut, and we see random women dancing around, and just shaking it. The sets here are real, the shadows point to that. They are not warehouse sets, this is someone’s apartment or house somewhere in the valley of southern California. The women dance for their producers, I’m assuming, and that’s about it. There is a lot of back and forth between the scenarios, and ultimately we end up with a Arsenio Hall looking dude, and an asian woman. Then there’s a random moment where it’s no longer the asian woman, it’s a short hair blonde. I’m not sure what the director was going for here, but eventually we see what I assume is Janet Jacme and Julian St. Jox having sex. This shifting camera angles and random moments, is just odd to me, but the sex starts and that’s ok. The two go through a few positions, both African Americans, and the lighting is terrible here. We get a couple of positions before Jox cumus, this involves anal at one point, and Janet swallows, and that’s the end of this scene.

After the scene ends, we get sent to a scene where a lady wants to be with her man in bed. He is writing, and he says, leave me alone, I’m trying to write. She tries to engage, and he’s not having it. The scene is very dark, the camera is very close, and shaky, and the lighting is horrendous here.

The camera switches and we are sent to a porn set, with hard lighting coming from the 4th wall, and shadows being cast all over. THere’s a dark green couch, and two brunettes kissing and taking off their dresses, while an African American woman starts to play with herself. This thruway features Ariel Daye, Persia, and Tina Tyler. The scene features oral, scissoring, masturbation, and lots of kissing. It’s slow moving, there’s not a lot of moaning, and it’s kind of boring if you ask me. I think these women may not be bisexual, as the performance leaves a lot to be desired.

We move to an outside scene and two women are talking. Apparently one lady is getting abused, and her man is cheating on her. She said she just needs to do one more album and things will be good. We then move to another scene.

This scene shows Ron Jeremy talking to the record producer, and he says that he wants to record an album with Spike and the Tina Turner impersonator, of sorts. Remember this is a parody of the Tina Turner story. The two argue, and then the producer tells his maid to suck on his friend, Ron Jeremy.

Lynden Johnson is a tall blonde woman with large breasts, and she takes out Ron Jeremy’s member to suck on it and that cues the music. The bass heavy music is horrible, the lighting here is again bad, but the set is a real house. This is not a warehouse set, this is someone’s house, so the lighting is a lot better, and the set dressings are also very good. Jeremy is not as fat as he is now, and he is ready for action as soon as Johnson starts to grab at his penis. Jeremy is killer with the one liners, and here is a good example of what a great performer he has been in the past, and well maybe in the present as well. He gets sucked off well by Johnson, whom I’ve never seen before in movies. “Must be from the virgin islands”, Jeremy quips, as he gets sucked off from Johnson. The sex is fine, she doesn’t moan a lot, and Jeremy spouts one liners as he has sex, and it’s not horrible, but the two lack chemistry, and it shows. Eventually he cuts on her face, and we see the end, and hard cut to a new scene.

We move to a patio party where all the industry insiders are hanging out, and then move to the inside of the house, and it’s our main character and Spike talking about leaving. She’s packing a bag, the outside is just talking, and things are going down on the inside. He says she cant leave and he owns her, and then we get a hard cut to the outside. Outside two women talk about how life is just stuck in a repeating pattern.




We then move to see Persia and Julian St. Jox talking, and while the ebony woman dances, the music kicks in and we get into a new sex scene. This time around it’s not bad, but it lacks that chemistry that you would expect from two people that actually want to have sex. This is a mechanical movement, and Persia is hot, but Julian St. Jox can’t wait to do anal, before he cums, and so you see that rush into sex, and that’s that. It’s not great, it’s not good, and well, it works. This is a warehouse setting, and the lighting sucks again, the music is lackluster, and the film grain just doesn’t work. This is duct taped together for sure.

After the scene, we get to another sequence where the main character wants to leave and she’s ready to go. But out comes two guys from the FBI and they flash their badges and say that our main character needs to come with them. She pleads her case, and she gets on her knees, and starts to get in on the blow job action. Diana Knight here gets into the sex, she blows Dave Hardman and Dick Nasty, and it’s not that good, but hey, she’s doing her job. This is done at someone’s house in a garage somewhere, and it’s lackluster, but it works in a pinch. There’s no DP here, it’s just threesome in the garage, before the film cuts out for me. Maybe there’s a resolution, but by the time I finish this thing, I’m ready for another drink and want to give up on it all.

I give “What’s Butt Got To Do With It” a 1 out of 5.

This is perhaps the worst movie I’ve reviewed thus far. Not even Ron Jeremy’s classic acting could save this picture. It’s horrendous, but hey, that’s just one man’s opinion.

Edward Penishands (1991) Review

Edward Penis Hands (1991) 

We come back to another movie from the 1990s. This time around we are taking a look at the movie that was a parody of a famous movie. You already know what to expect with this one, as they made 3 of them. This movie we are going to be looking into is none other than “Edward Penishands”. That’s right, the parody, and well here we go, this movie stars Alexandra Quinn, Sikki Nixx, Jamie Leigh, Jeanna Fine, Ashley Nicole, Domonique Simone, and Jon Dough. The movie is a direct parody of the Hollywood movie, and has a good overall script, although the movie is not filmed with that film grain, that you expect from other movies, but I guess that doesn’t matter as this is a porno, by the way.

The movie starts with a woman carrying a suit case, walking through a warehouse. SHe’s tall, blonde, wearing a green dress, and is continually saying, Hello. No, it’s not Adele, but it most likely can have some moments of hilarity. If this was Mystery Science Theater 3,000 you know they’d make that reference. This blonde haired woman looks to find who is in the warehouse, and she runs into a recluse. This recluse has penises for hands! That’s right, he has penises, and that’s it. Mr. Penishand asks the woman not to go, and we get into the story.

There’s a trendy soundtrack for the 1990s that comes into play, and we see the blonde take off her clothes. She lets down here hair, and she starts to suck Edward’s hands. I kid you not. He’s in full makeup. This is a jolting movie if you aren’t ready to see what is going on. The makeup job on Edward Penishands is great, and he looks like the Depp character, meanwhile the woman here is blonde, small breasted, and gets into the role. Edward begins with oral sex on the blonde, whom I assume is Alexandra Quinn. She has tan lines, and Edwards goes down on her with his tongue, and using his hands a little. After some time, we see Edward using both hands in both holes, and he’s fully clothed while you watch the penishands do their work. I’m not sure if this is eroticism or not, it’s actually kind of werid, and yet Quinn’s black pumps make it for me, so I guess there’s something to say. The set here is well lit, a warehouse setting with a bed, and that’s not bad. After some foreplay with the hands, Edwards gets his zipper open and Quinn gives him a blow job. Then the two get into doggy style and things get forward progress. The camera angle here is ok at best, and Edward stays clothed in doggy style, trying to hold on with his penishands. Quinn screams and moans and that really turns me on. This scene becomes grotesque, and yet I couldn’t turn away. Quinn’s screaming is what I want in a partner, I’ll say that much. After a couple of positions we see Edward cum through all of his penises, real and prosthetic, and that’s the end of the first major scene.

The scene ends and we end up going forward to another scene, where two women are talking on the phone. We see Quinn bring in Edward to a set that I is definitely in a warehouse studio somewhere. I can tell because of the shadows from the lighting. It becomes obvious that we are seeing this filmed on a sound stage, which isn’t bad, it’s well decorated, it’s just painfully obvious. The movie continues and we hear about Quinn’s daughter, and that Edward can stay and make himself at home.

We get a firm cut, and we are shown another bedroom scenario. This one features two women, Jeanna Fine and Jamie Leigh. Both are average looking women here, no implants, dirty shoes, and just average elements. The set is lit like a studio, and the shadows play to that regard. We see the women masturbate, use toys, and just go for it, with no real story to this, other than they are trying to get off. The two join one another in a bed and use toys then keeps going, and that’s it. The two just enjoy themselves. One brunette and one dirty blonde, both thin, no major large breasts, somewhat shaved, and that’s it.

After the lesbian sex scene, we see Edward looking at his hands, and that’s it. He starts to imagine things, and realize his past. It’s suppose to add a story arc to the movie, but it’s painfully thrown in place.

The movie continues and Edward is introduced to three new women. They are all thin, and they get sent away out of a room. We are left with Jon Dough and Quinn, while the scene fades to black.

Now we are taken to a bathroom where Edward is with two women. Domonique Simone is an African American woman with small breasts, and Ashley Nicole is a dirty blonde haired, thin woman with medium sized breasts as well. The two start to suck on Edwards hands, and he is just looking like it is pleasurable. The full concept here is Edward just playing with the women with his hands and then he cuts with his hands and it shoots out a little, and that’s it. It’s a short scene, and it’s not that fun.

Moving along, we get Ashley Quinn and Jon Dough talking about how sales are down for Quinn’s sex toy elements. Quinn signals Dough that she wants him, and that two start to kiss. The generic porn music comes in, and they begin. Remember, the set here is a warehouse, so the backgrounds are terrible, there’s blue painters tape along a window frame, the walls are way too high, and the interior is just stupid looking. At one point you can tell that there is no ceiling, as the camera goes too high. The sex begins with Quinn taking off her body suit and blowing Jon Dough. He’s not huge, but he gets into it fairly well. Quinn moans a lot, screaming at one point, and making her my new “it” girl to watch. Quinn and Dough go at it on a kitchen table, no condoms, and it’s just straight forward. The two go through two different positions, then Quinn ends up getting summed on in the back, as Dough finishes things off. That’s it. Not a bad scene, but not a great one either.

Next we are taken to a bedroom, in the same warehouse set that you’d expect from a porno sound stage. Here we see Edward trying to play with himself, then cumming, and running we hears that Jeanna Fine is coming through the door.

This fades, and we see Jeanna Fine and Edward meet in a warehouse where Fine finds out that he has penis hands. There’s a soft song that plays, and it’s supposed to be a love song, while Edward squirts cum from his penis hands and Jeanna Fine dances under it. This is beyond stupid, and yet it’s endearing somehow. This is a very young Jeanna Fine, so she doesn’t have enhancements, and is toned nicely, skinny, and has long black hair. As we move forward, we end up seeing the scene fade to black and send the two back to a location in front of a fireplace. There’s a cheesy song playing, and the two here start to kiss and go forward. Fine sucks on the hand penises, then the two start to have sex, but not before a blow job begins. This is not a long scene. Fine does have enhanced breasts as one angle shows, and she rides Edward while he is fully clothed, until he climaxes and that’s the end.

I give “Edward Penishands” a 2 out of 5.

I love Jeanna Fine, I always liked her work, and Quinn’s yelling during sex turned me on. However, the novelty of this movie really wears on me, and it’s not sexy after a while. Fine looks like a Chicago escort that I know, and well, other than that, I don’t really know what to tell ya. It’s not a great movie, it’s not a bad movie, but it’s definitely one to check out if you’re curious. It’s not going to win any awards or anything, but as a novelty sex film, it’s not half bad. I’d watch Jeana Fine read the dictionary, though. She’s hot.

Hollywood Heartbreakers (1985) Review

Hollywood Heartbreakers (1985) Poster

Before the year is over, let’s get into the world of the 1980s and see a movie that has some famous names, and some scenic backgrounds. This is a movie that ends this year with a huge bang, as you’re going to find that the stars here are from what I consider the golden era of adult cinema, even if there are others that will disagree with me. Who’s in this one? Well, let me just say, it’s one hell of a line up. The stars of this movie include, Amber Lynn, David Sanders, Beverly Bliss, Craig Roberts, Traci Lords, Tony Martino, Nicole West, Peter North, Gina Valentino, Rick Savage, and Greg Rome. This is a full scale production, with film grain, and a full theme song that sounds like The Go Gos and it’s not half bad. The director here is Mark Curtis, and the movie is from 1985, and it is called “Hollywood Heartbreakers”. So let’s dive into this classic from the golden era, as it’s one that you can’t find many places.

The movie starts with a blonde driving a BMW, and she picks up a car phone. It’s a guy named Tony and he says that she needs to get there fast. She says that she will arrive soon. That’s when the music starts to drop off a little, and we see a brunette that talks about wanting to suck off the guy named Tony. She starts to undress, showing off small breasts, red painted finger nails, red lips, light skin, and dirty talk. She talks like a woman that is having phone sex, slow and deliberate, and starts to strip off her clothes, until she shows off her pubic region, that has not been shaved at all. The music dims a bit more, and you hear her moaning a little as the camera goes up and down on the woman. The camera then switches to the driving woman, that is going up PCH in 1985, which is California, for those that don’t know.

Amber Lynn shows up at the door of David Sanders, and says that she was instructed to take care of a package. That’s when David Sanders starts to kiss her, and the porno music starts. A rock guitar riffs begin and Amber Lynn, a dirty blonde, with bright red lipstick starts to suck off Sanders from a limp starting point. The scene starts with a blow job, and full nudity, and no one is shaved here. If you’re a fan of the classics, you’ll love that the two get into 69 within 7 minutes of the movie, and Amber Lynn seems to really enjoy her work here, giving Sanders one hell of a blow job while he gives her oral on the other side, not minding the hair. Sanders isn’t huge, but he works with Lynn well enough. The camera work is bad though, the lighting is not great, and the shots of close ups are mired here and there with bad zooming in and out. The set here is a bit dark, it doesn’t look like a warehouse, but more likely a condo somewhere in the San Fernando Valley. The two go through a couple of positions, without condoms, and just go through the motions. Lynn doesn’t moan a lot, but a little here and there, and the music doesn’t fit the sex here, though I appreciate the attempt at original music. It’s not cliche at all, mind you. After some back and forth, and a bit of moaning, Sanders cannot hang on and eventually cums on Lynn’s stomach, pulling out and letting it fly, the camera slows down for it. Sanders lasts a while, but it’s not a marathon session at all. Lynn says that she takes good care of packages, and that’s it.

Next thing we see is Amber Lynn getting to a phone and saying that she needs to check in on the other girls. We see Sanders pull out some money and then put it into her purse, and that’s it. The scan ends, and then we are taken to another woman. This time around we see Traci Lords putting on make up, getting ready to meet a client, as she picks up her phone, on the sunset strip.

Before seeing any action, we get a cut scene with Beverly Bliss having sex with a random guy named Tony. Then spliced into that, is Traci Lords driving a car. I just wanted to point out that if she was so young, why is she driving on camera? She’s got one hell of a car too, and this is not stunt driving, or anything fake, it’s legit, she’s driving what appears to be a Thunderbird. She visits Tony Martino.

Before the sex starts, we get a strip tease with Lords coming down some stairs, then kissing Tony Martino. The two get fully nude and begin with a little foreplay, Martino sucking and kissing Lords’ breasts. The two are outdoors, in the backyard of a mansion, overlooking Los Angeles. Tony Martino goes down on Lords right away, and the music here is quaint, piano music. The lighting is bad, with lots of shadows, and lots of sunlight obscuring some of the natural shots. Lords moans and moves a lot here, before Tony finally puts his hardness into Lords doggy style. Martino is not a good looking guy by any stretch, mind you. At the 26 minute mark, though, the action gets faster and harder, and the music changes to a 1980s rock tune, which I appreciated. That juxtaposes Lords moaning and gyrations, which intensify as she nearly screams in pleasure. This could be the most intense scene I’ve seen with Lords in it, and Martino does his job well, ugly as he is, and the two work well enough as the music goes faster and Martino just loses himself in the situation. Martino can’t hold his load, after a quick changeover, and cums on Lords’ face and chest, then rubs himself on her after the fact. You can almost hear the director yell cut, but the two end up kissing as the final moments close on this scene, and we fade into another point. New music picks up, Lords picks up her cash, which is only 300 dollars, which is standard for an hour with a mid-range escort, right? Just saying.

We see another woman riding around in a car. We get a conference call, and it’s Tony with Traci and Nicole, and we get a little nod to “Charlies Angels” complete with music. We also see a bit of sex with the guy named Tony, and his chick, but we don’t see his face, yet. It’s just a lot of hair, and a close up of the in and out process of the sexual landscape.

The next scene shows Traci Lords and Nicole West arriving at a home in Bel Air. There’s a hard cut, and we see a darkened warehouse set, with a boring looking couch, and a flaccid Peter North hanging out naked. Lords and West go inside the home, and they start to play with North. Music kicks in, the women take their tops off, and we start to get forward progress. The sex starts with Traci Lords riding Peter North’s face, while Nicole West gives him a blow job. The two women take turns going at North at the 35 minute mark with a blow job sequence that is epic. I’m talking dual blowing, North nearly humming straight out, and the two women focusing on his member in a way that you don’t really see in modern era film. It’s like West and Lords wanted to outdo each other, or they were just into this that much, I don’t know, but this sequence is intense, and really something that elevates this movie’s rating a lot more than the previous scenes. After dual blow jobs, North gives Lords the Russian treatment, between her breasts, while West gives her oral, as the music starts to intensify with drums and 80s bravado. There’s a cool visual design flow here, with North having sex in doggy style with Lords while a chair with two hands seem to be on her breasts. If you’ve seen this, then you know! This is a very cool effect, while the background of the set has antlers everywhere, like it’s a cabin or something. North looks like he’s going to cum any second, and he really does seem to be enjoying the process with Lords, as she moans and quivers. At one point West gets in the action, and Lords gives North a rim job, then at one point it appears that West fists North at around 42 minutes. The edit shifts and goes back to straight sex with reverse cowgirl and Lords with North, but I know what I saw, it was very odd, but the director decided to cut a little of it out. If you’re a fan of natural sex, with hair, and all that jazz, you’ll like this scene, even if the lighting and set leaves something to be desired. Lords and West seem to really like each other, mind you, and North is just a willing party here, and keeps it up as long as he can. This is a lengthy scene for the 1980s, mind you. After the sex seems to get boring, North cums on the two women’s chest, and then we get splicing in some of the past sequences, and it’s all over with a nice blast from North. Not his biggest load, but a nice quality one none the less. The women squirm, the film slows down, and for whatever reason the director focuses on North’s face before we get a hard cut and a new scene.

Gina Valentino is driving, and picks up the car phone to find out that she has a date. Tony is scene having sex again, and it’s the same sequence that you got earlier.

At this point, you see that Gina is headed to Marina Del Rey California, and that’s a throw back for me, since I lived in the area for some time.

We move along and we get to a point where we see Gina Valentino stripping for Rick Savage. Savage watches on, and the two are going to be moving forward with ease. Valentino has small breasts, shoulder length, teased brunette hair, is all natural, yet has a pubic mound that is trimmed. She starts to masturbate, and Savage looks on. The two have sex, and it’s probably one of the most boring sex scenes I’ve seen in a long time. Savage looks like he is really concentrating here, and Valentino is just going through the motions, allowing her lover to just go to town. After some time in Doggy Style, Savage cums on the lower back of Valentino and that’s it, perhaps one of the most formulaic scenes I’ve ever seen, dropping the rating on this one a lot lower than the previous scene.

Up next, we see the same splicing in of sex from Tony, and we see Amber Lynn driving around. She eventually pulls up to a house, in a red dress, and talks to Greg Rome and Ron Jeremy poolside. They banter a little and then move inside.

We go inside with a hard cut, and everyone’s already nude. There’s a heavy bass line started, and a rock guitar with some nice drumming to go along, as we move in with the camera. The set here is a den from the 1980s, with bad carpeting, terrible looking couch, and of course that 1980s aesthetic in terms of filming. Rome gets blown by Amber Lynn, a tight blonde, while Ron Jeremy gives her doggy style. The thing to look out for here is the fact that Ron Jeremy is thin, and makes his penis look a lot larger, because of course it’s about 9 inches long, from what I’ve read. Either way, he is in his prime here, and he’s fit, and just goes for it with Lynn. It’s impressive to see Jeremy in his prime, not as the hedgehog later on, but rather his thin, progressive self. If you’ve read his book, then you know how hard working he was as a porno actor, director, and more. It shows here, as he steals the show here with Lynn. You get multiple positions, a threesome that lasts a while, and of course the cum shot with the crossing of swords several times, which is odd. Rome and Jeremy are big, close in size here, and Lynn tries to take them on both at the end with cum going on her face to finish things off. The music really gets good here, mind you.

We move along, and there’s a hard cut, and Amber Lynn calls in to Tony and we then see Tony’s face and the sex he’s been having, finishes up. It ends with a blow job and cum in mouth, and that’s the end of the movie. Tony is a pimp, and it’s all said and done.

I give “Hollywood Heartbreakers” a 3 out of 5.

Not even Ron Jeremy and Traci Lords can save the rest of this movie from boring me. However, Lords and Jeremy are in their prime, and if you can find this movie, good luck. It’s borderline illegal to have this. I was able to procure a copy while I was visiting Japan, and got this on Beta Max, because I’m insane. In the United States, you’ll have to get creative if you want a copy, otherwise, you cannot buy this from an affiliate or anything. Good luck.

South by Southeast (1997) Review

South by Southeast - 1997 DVD Cover

Well, I got a job. A 9 to 5 type of work, but that isn’t going to stop me from reviewing adult movies. Well, it kind of did for a while, right? Well, that’s changing soon, cause this time around we are going to be looking at the 1997 movie called, “South by Southeast” and it stars some well known people. For instance, you’ll find that this movie has Vicca, Tony Tedeschi, Brittany Andrews, TT boy, Nikita Gross, Tom Byron, Alyssa Love, Vicca, Peter North, and the director in a non sex role. The director here is Jim Enright, and the movie came out from Wicked Pictures. It’s a movie that is shot on film grain, and it is very much a Hitchcock throw back, but of course, it’s an adult movie so you have to remember that, since you may want to think of this is as high brow cinema. It’s not. But it’s also not a gonzo movie either, so if you’re the type that likes to watch full adult film, this is going to be one that will interest you. Without further run up, let’s talk about this 1997 big box vhs release of “South by Southeast” from Wicked Pictures.

The movie starts out with Tom Byron running around with a gun and a silencer. Meanwhile, there’s a villain that says he won’t come out! This bit of acting is a great starting point, and there’s a bit of comedy, and good acting here. The editing is top notch, and the set is a warehouse setting with a gun wielding Byron trying to get his man. Meanwhile, outside, we see Vicca and her Russian accent with a blonde haired woman. The two talk about how they have been taken advantage of, and that they are tired of working in the adult world. The two women here have Russian accents, mind you. Then out comes the two guys that we saw initially, running through a parking lot in the valley, and just playing “cops and robbers” with a funny looking gun. Byron goes around trying to shoot his man, and ends up finding a field guide for spies. He starts to read it, and it shows some information about what his next goal is, and the camera follows right behind him. Byron is in a suit that doesn’t fit him, and we see the credits begin.

The credits roll, finish, and we get moving into the movie. We see Tom Byron getting a review from his boss, which is played by TT Boy. The two get into an argument about how bad Byron’s work is, and TT Boy is great here. The set here is more than just a random porno set, mind you, and that’s something great in regards to the budget of course. In comes a very busty woman, with a thin waist, and tanned body. She’s decked out in latex, and she’s got very large breasts. She has blonde hair, and comes in and talks about some new case. She says that Nikita is the next person that they need to get, and Byron doesn’t want to do it at first. They are trying to scam Nikita and Vicca to catch them. This setup is great, and not too bad.

We then get a flash of the Hollywood Hotel, which are not apartment buildings with studios in them. I know this, because I once met an escort there, and we discussed the tech world, etc. Anyways, the scene shifts, and we see Vicca and a blonde talking, with the blonde nude, and the two just talking about working in porn, etc. This is not sexy. The set here is a hotel room, and it’s not bad, it’s just a random set. We see the blonde go forward with moving to a set, and she meets up with Tom Byron at a mansion, dressed in heels, and a nice skirt. She has blonde, curly hair, and it’s not a bad thing. Byron ties her up, and well, we get moving into the plot. There’s no sex in this adult movie for the first 10 minutes, mind you, it’s all story.

The movie progresses and we see Tony Tedeschi dressed up like a maid, and he gets into the room of Vicca and talks about how he’s a spy. There’s some music that starts, and Vicca asks Tony Tedeschi to prove that he’s a man! This is the studio set that’s supposed to be a hotel room. It looks like a motel set in a warehouse, and nothing too complex. Your lighting is coming from overhead, although there’s lamps and cheap furnishings in place, however, the lighting and shadows are coming from studio lights, and it shows. At the 14 minute mark we start the sex. Vicca is a red headed, thin, Russian porno star with C cup size breasts, is 5 foot 10, and light skin. Tedeschi isn’t huge, but he’s a mainstay in 1990s porno movies. Vicca has red heels in this, and she pulls herself naked fast, with Tony and her kissing a great deal as the movie progresses into sex. The camera gets in close for this, and the two seem to have a little chemistry as the foreplay continues. Vicca and Tony work through a couple of positions, nothing too crazy, and he has a condom on. He finishes on her pubic region, and she moans a bit through the process. The scene doesn’t last long, and as far as sex is concerned, it works, but it’s not grand at all. If you’re a big fan of Vicca, then you’ll love to see her moaning and enjoying Tony’s thrusts, as he picks it up to a fast pace at 23 minutes. He can’t hold on though, and cums with Vicca squirming a bit, and the camera going in close. It must be rough to not go back in after cumming, but it happens, and Vicca and Tony kiss a little before he gets his maid’s uniform back on. Tony has a fake English accent, and Vicca tells him that Nikita is not a spy or anything that they need to worry about.

Next we see an interesting play on visual design flow. We see TT Boy and Tom Byron talking again, this time they bring in the blonde. There’s a point where the movie shifts to show you an African safari, with the blonde being the prey that has been captured, but that moves back to the regular office, and we see discussions about why she’s captured, mainly as bait for their main goal, Nikita. As the scene changes, we are still in an office set, and TT Boy says that he’s tense, and needs some relief, which means he’s going to get some, right? Yep!

The next sex scene features TT Boy and Brittany Andrews. Andrews is a tall blonde haired woman with large breasts, and a thin waist. TT Boy pulls his pants down and Brittany Andrews starts to suck him off, with the music starting, and TT Boy getting hard as a rock for this sex scene. Andrews here gives a passionate blow job before TT Boy puts on a condom and starts to have sex in the office setting. The office looks like your average private eye looking spot, so it’s nothing too extreme. I could totally see this with 3 walls in a warehouse from Wicked, and recycled from other sets. There’s an interesting lighting element behind the two, and you can tell it’s not a “real office”, so to speak, it’s a nice setup none the less. Andrews augmented breasts are nice, she has a pubic piercing, and has a nearly shaved pubic mound when TT Boy gets started, condom already on. I never understood why they didn’t use lubed condoms, this one is dry, and it shows. It’s a magnum, as I can tell from the latex, and if you’re a fan of big breasts, Andrews moans and seems to enjoy things as the director shows you across several different angles. My personal favorite element of this sex scene is that Andrews wears black heels as TT Boy goes faster and faster around the 36 minute mark. In a close up angle of the penetration, from underneath, you see the warehouse ceiling, breaking the illusion that is occurring, but hey, who cares, right? Me! The heels and Andrew’s large breasts and TT Boy’s cum shot makes this one worthwhile, and definitely one of the better scenes in the movie. IT definitely got me heated.

Nikita Gross is a tall, skinny, dirty blonde, and she is taller than Tom Byron. She has a Russian accent here, and it should be noted that this is not Nikita Denise, it’s a blonde that reminds me a little of Phoebe from Friends mixed with an old boss that I used to work with. Byron and Nikita start to kiss, and there’s a soft piece of music playing underneath them. This is at the mansion that we saw previously, and it’s well lit, well designed, and has some really cool decor. The Elvis painting for instance in the hallway is really cool, and while the main focal point of the director’s movements goes to sex, I can’t help but notice the decor on this set. Tom Byron starts things off by giving Nikita oral, her pubic area not shaved completely, and his tongue working through the gyrations and wetness that proceeds. When the blow job starts, you really get a feeling for Nikita’s performance, as she really puts on a show. IN fact, it’s one of the best blow job starting points that I’ve seen in a long time, and one that you may want to book mark if you stumble across it. I’d suggest buying this movie just for that, as Nikita really makes the fantasy come alive. There are a lot of different positions here, mostly for the camera, mind you, and around the 50 minute mark, Byron unloads a cum shot that gets in Nikita’s hair, and mouth, but it’s not a big load. She sucks him off after the cum shot, and that elevates this movie to all new levels.

Nikita at this point asks if she’s going to get let go, since she’s a prisoner, remember? Anyways, Byron says, no, and the story continues. Mind you, this is 50 minutes into the movie. Nikita says, “I had sex with you”, and he says, well we are running out of time, so we need to hurry along and squeeze in more sex.

We are taken to a warehouse set again, this time it’s Peter North in fatigues. He’s at a desk at a government building, and he starts to talk. He lights a cigar with a joke looking bomb and he’s called Colonel Mustard. In comes Agent Orange and Vicca. There’s a joke here, as North threw a cartoon looking bomb and it blew up in Agent Orange’s room. However, Vicca comes in wearing a see through dress, and North spews his lines. Orange is played by Tony Tedeschi here, and the three talk about how Nikita got kidnapped, for mistaken identity. Vicca here is so hot, I can’t stand it. Had I not had to maintain professional integrity, I’d be stopping this review to enjoy the following sequence. Peter North asks for inspiration, and Alyssa Love comes in to help, which of course is a signal for sex, right? You know it.

Alyssa Love has a blonde streak in her brunette hair, and Peter North gets her to sit on his lap. She has a black thong on, and starts to undress, meanwhile, Vicca and Tony Tedeschi sits on a black couch. After a little movement, we get a shot that moves away to show the rest of the set, which is a 3 wall brick walled office. Alyssa Love has black heels on, making her look taller than she is, and is completely shaved. Tony Tedeschi starts things off by giving oral to Alyssa Love, a stunning beauty, but with a zit on the outside area of her anus and vagina. Now, when I was on sets in the past, they would use make up, but with Tony Tedeschi’s tongue is lapping it all up, so he doesn’t care, but as a viewer, I’m a little turned off, just saying. In real life, I wouldn’t care, but as an art form, come on! This scene has a four way with Alyssa Love, Vicca, Peter North and Tony Tedeschi, and it’s really good. North gets blown by Vicca while Love gives her oral, and Tony continues with Love, so you get a good mix of oral to start this off, all on the classic black couch of porno worlds. The sex begins, and of course it is all with condoms on as usual. Vicca and Peter North go for it first, and the camera lets you in on the back and forth. If you wanted a lesson in safe sex, here you go. While Vicca and Peter North have sex using a condom, Tony and Alyssa Love don’t, so the camera moves around little showing you examples of safer sex and straight forward doggy style with no condom at all. The moans and groans get heated at the 1 hour mark, and the camera shows you the penetration fully, making this an interesting little flick. After a bit of moaning and back and forth, we see the two guys cum on the faces of the actresses, and it’s not half bad, but it’s not great either. Syncrhonizing summing is tough, and I expected a Peter North cum blast, as I see Alyssa Love’s tongue ring, but as Tony finishes, and Vica blows him, North blasts Love in the face, and it’s quite good overall, which is an interesting sequence, and then Vicca starts to help him get off again, while Love sucks him off.

The next thing that you are going to notice about this movie is that it follows up all of this male on female action by giving you a lesbian scene with Nikita and Brittany Andrews. The two have sex outside, and they use their tongues, hands, and the camera plays on the more "playboy" type of scene, with soft lighting, even for outdoors, and it's not really that intense at first, but over time it became better and better. If you're a fan of lesbian scenes, then you'll love this one. Nikita and Brittany Andrews in a lesbian scene? You know what you're in for here, as it's outdoors and it's well lit, overlooking a good view.

After the scene, we get back to the story, and the end of the movie showcases some comedic gun play, and the final moments of mistaken identity, catching the bad girls, and lots of comedic one liners that are just bad. If you're a completionist of porno movies, then you'll love the story going into the final stages without any sex, and giving you a complete script. It's fine, but it abandons the source material long before this ever concludes. They tried, right? Of course.

I give "South By Southeast" a 3 out of 5. 

There are two great sex scenes here, and the foursome was good, even if there is an odd point where Peter North looks over at what Tony Tedeschi is doing harking back to his Matt Ramsey days. Overall, 3 out of 5 is the best I can give this overall.

This movie is available for streaming, and downloading and you can get "South by Southeast" by clicking here.