Teenage Cowgirls (1973) Review

Teenage Cowgirls (1973) Poster

Well we go back to 1973, and this time around we are going to be reviewing a golden age porno. These don’t always age well, but they give you insight into the movies that people would go to movie theaters to watch. With that in mind, let’s take a look at a classic, from 1973 titled, “Teenage Cowgirls”. This movie was directed by Ted Denver, and was distributed by Vide-X-Pix. The stars in this one include Amanda Blake, Brenda Day, Lilly Foster, John Holmes, Sally Withers, Adam Ward, and Charles Orlando. However, there are some “faceless” people too, and some that didn’t get any credits, so I can’t really do much about that one. The movie is old, I don’t think there are many historians other than myself writing about these movies, so I’m going to just go with the information that I can gather. Pour yourself a stiff drink, and settle in for a 1973 movie that features the famed, John Holmes.

I love the credits on these movies. They are always looking like “real” movies, and they aren’t just gonzo pictures that get thrown into the VHS player. There’s a cinema score, and there’s music that accompanies all of this as well. I find that to be endearing. The movie starts with an old boom town. You see an old wooden building and it says, “Luck Dollar Casino”, with a horse out front, and nothing more than a façade. You really get that this is a ghost town, and it has long lost the positive push forward. You start to hear some moaning, and the camera starts to move into the action.

Starting the sex, we see John Holmes in doggy style with a random woman. He is in full deep, and just keeps going forward, with the theme song playing the backdrop. The two are wearing Western themed clothing, and it’s 1970s, so no one is shaved, and it’s just straight forward sex. There’s a very lackluster money shot at the end, and it looks forced, with Holmes cumming on the woman’s back, and that’s it. He puts his pants back on, and that’s it. This may be the worst opening to a porno movie ever made, and it really is poor production, and poorly focused. Wow, what a terrible job.

From that point forward, Holmes walks away and says thank you. We then get our second song of the feature, and Holmes gets his horse and seemingly takes off. That’s it. We see a random man coming to town on a horse. He gets off the horse and starts to walk into a barn. The music fades, and we just see a rugged man holding onto his gun. He asks where the 12 by 12 bandit. He then starts to unbutton his shirt, only to say, he’ll be back, and that he doesn’t have enough time to move forward with a woman. Another country music song starts, and the random fighter rides along.

We then get forward progress to another scene. We see two random dudes talking, and then Holmes shows up and takes a woman on his shoulder. He puts her on his shoulder, and she protests a little, before Holmes puts out a blanket inside a barn. He then says he is going to have sex with the woman. She reluctantly sits down, and Holmes pulls down his pants.

This grainy scene features Lilly Foster and John Holmes starting to have sex, at around the 12 minute mark. We start with a blow job, and you see the size of Holmes. Although, he doesn’t seem to be getting too hard early on. The two exchange oral, then get into the sex. You can’t really see a whole lot, and Holmes doesn’t last more than a few minutes before he cums on Ward, and that’s it. This is a lackluster display, and really just bored me. There’s no passion to this, at all. It is just kind of there. Holmes gives you a money shot, but meh, it doesn’t produce much. You get another western song underneath the scene and that’s it.

We see John Holmes and another dude just riding horses, when they come upon a couple of African American women. They just watch as Adam Ward gets into action with one of them. We then get moving into an interracial scene, and if features Adam Ward getting a blow job, and then getting into just oral in a barn. The scene is just oral, and that’s it. It’s not that long, and it’s kind of grainy, making it hard to see what is going on.

Up next we see Charles Orlando with the other African American woman, and this is another mainly oral scene. There’s a money shot, but honestly, there’s not much to this. There’s a little bit of reverse cowgirl, but overall, this doesn’t really go too hot and heavy. There’s a good country western song underneath, and they do have sex outdoors, but overall, this is as boring as a married couple doing it on a Thursday night.

The screen fades and we are taken to see Lilly Foster and John Holmes outside again. The two discuss having sex, and they start to work a little bit more into the nudity. Lilly Foster is completely nude here, and has a young body. She is not shaved, she is thin, has long black hair, and of course John Holmes is, well you know. This is boring, it’s mostly missionary, but you get a few splices between the previous sex scene and this one. This time around, John Holmes is completely hard and he goes all in with Lilly Foster, so that’s a sight to see.

Out in a field we see Charles Orlando with another African American girl, and the two have a quick sex scene. It’s so quick that I almost missed it when I was reviewing this movie. It’s lackluster at best, and honestly, not worth even taking anything out of your pants for. You hear no moaning, no motion, just see the action and a few moments for the money shot.

We then see the gunslinger from the opening of the film creeping up on a lady. He is going to shoot, but then gets thwarted by someone else. The scenes move forward with no major motion, and we then go to a barn where one of the African American women sucks of John Holmes. That’s it. It’s just a blow job scene, and nothing major.

The movie climaxes with a gun fight. John Holmes shoots, and that’s it. It’s the worst acting job I’ve ever seen. Ugh, this is a terrible movie.

I give “Teenage Cowgirls” a 1 out of 5.

This is perhaps the worst porno movie I’ve ever seen. There’s lackluster plotting, acting, and sex. It’s a movie that is most likely part of a double feature at a movie theater, and well, it is what it is. It’s a far cry from the stuff that Deep Throat and others were doing that’s for sure.