Dirty Shary (1985) Review

Dirty Shary Poster From 1985 

You may have heard of “Dirty Harry” those classic cop movies featuring Clint Eastwood, right? Those came out in the 1980s, and you know that porn would have a parody of that. For the silver screen this movie has some plot, and of course sex. It’s not a long movie, but it’s worth checking out if you’re a fan of parody porn and what not. That’s exactly what I did, and here we go. The plot of this movie is a private detective that is tasked with trying to break down a white slavery ring out of a brothel. The start of the movie features the main character telling you what to expect and how she gets criminals. She does so by showing off her massive breasts. This movie stars Christy Canyon, Steve Drake, Beverly Bliss, Colleen Brennan, and more. If you’re a fan of Christy Canyon, then “Dirty Shary” is going to be one hot movie for you, as she’s in a lot of the scenes, both for sex and to move the plot along.

Within a few minutes, you are thrown into the sex of this movie. I’m talking about 2 minutes into the movie, and Dirty Shary is going down on a guy. Christy Canyon and Steve Drake start things off, and it’s not half bad. If you like Canyon, then you’ll love her here as she more than eclipses Drake. There is a little bit of romance here, so it’s not straight gonzo. Drake warms up the oven so to speak, then goes into full force with Canyon. The two have some chemistry, mind you, but it’s not immediate. IT takes a little bit of time to go forward. Drake looks to be losing his erection after some time on the couch, but he manages to force one last push forward into doggy style before finally climaxing on Canyon’s butt. She seems to enjoy this last bit, even though Drake doesn’t seem to be as hard as he started, but he does ok towards the end, and Canyon is left with a few one liners. She doesn’t seem to get off, as Drake finishes well under 10 minutes, but hey, that’s porn for ya. The movie goes forward with the plot, as this scene was shorter than most modern flicks, that’s for sure.

The movie transitions into a plot point. Shary shows up to what appears to be a brothel. She only has a few lines of dialogue with the mistress of the house, and then enter Dino Alexander. He has a few lines about how he is a college guy and has found the brothel thanks to his dad. He’s told to go meet the DOM, and this is very much a powerful introduction to BDSM, although it’s more sexual than just dominating.

Beverly Bliss and Dino Alexander go forward with a fast paced sex scene, that really doesn’t have a lot of chemistry, until the end. Dino doesn’t cum a great deal, and Beverly has to basically rub it out, which is an awkward way to end this scenario, but hey, it happens, right? This was not a fun scene, and it was somewhat short. It ended well enough, and that’s it.

Spanish Cover of Dirty Shary From 1985

The next scene gets a little break, but it throws you into another Steve Drake scene, this time with Bunny Bleu. She’s a blonde girl with natural breasts and she likes to make a great deal of noise. Steve Drake, for the most part looks to have a bit more fun here than in the previous scene that he was in. The jazzy soundtrack really is distracting here for me. There’s a fine jazz soundtrack, that borders on modern jazz, mixed with the sounds of Bleu moaning. Drake eventually finishes and the money shot gets all over Bleu’s pubic hair. The scene ends casually, and then you’re thrown into another sex scene right away.

Up next, you get to see Heather Wayne pleasing herself, before Billy Dee shows up and gives her a ride. Billy Dee is a strong silent type, and man of color, working with Wayne. I always liked interracial sex scenes, mainly because I’m of Latin descent, and this makes me feel nice about the world of sex. This is a good overall scene, although the music goes from jazz to 1970s soft rock. That took me out of the scene a bit, but other than that, this works well. Wayne is not the most attractive of women, but she seems to really like this scene, and the two have some good chemistry overall.

Up next, Dino Alexander is seen leaving the brothel, and he has no more money. But Colleen Brennan stops him, the older woman wanting a taste of college man sex, and well the two get it on. This was a mechanical scene, with minimal moaning, and Dino making more noise than anything else. The music once again changes, and the two go at it on a couch that looks like it was picked up at a thrift store. This was all business until Dino starts playing with Brennan’s nipples and then the two start to get some chemistry going and really start to enjoy the scene together. Lucky Dino, he gets two shots in at the brothel for the price of one.

At this point, you are taken to Christy Canyon taking photographs of the brothel outside, and talks to a detective that is under cover. He says that Canyon has to go into the house and meet someone.

What happens? Well she meets up with a random dude, and takes off her top, and the music comes in, telling you that something grand is going to go on. Once the bass line and bongo drums start, you might as well get ready for this scene, because it’s the film’s ending sexual escapade. Dan T. Mann and Christy Canyon put on a good romp here, with Christy seemingly interested in giving a good performance, unlike her role with Drake. Nearly to the end of the sex, Mann looks to be losing his erection, one which was never truly that hard to begin with, and asks Christy who she is, or he won’t finish. She then states, “I’m Dirty Shary” and the two continue until he cums, and that’s the end of the movie.

There’s an epilogue where Canyon says that the investigation into the brothel didn’t turn up much of a lead or anything. It turns out, that the house was just volunteer staff and that Shary stayed on to hit up 50 guys before concluding her investigation. So there’s that.

I give “Dirty Shary” a 2 out of 5.

Christy Canyon is a legend no doubt, but the short scenes, lackluster attempt to even try to throw in the plot, and mechanical performances mire this otherwise interesting parody porno. Plus, the music kept throwing me off, and that’s not a good thing in an adult feature.

You can buy “Dirty Shary” from a variety of sources. Including Here

Did you see “Dirty Shary”? What are your thoughts? Drop me a line in the comments.

Ghost Town (1996) Review

Ghost Town - 1996 DVD Cover - adultdvdempire dot com src 

There are two major reasons that I wanted to review the movie “Ghost Town” from 1996. The first is simple, the actress that stars reminds me of one of my friends, and dare I say lovers. I kid you not, my friend is one of the most beautiful people I’ve ever met, and whenever I see Lori Michaels, I think of her. But before I ever met my friend, I saw this movie on the Spice Network. I’ve talked about the Spice Network before, but this is a big one for me.

The reason why this is such a big movie for me is because I recorded this from the Spice Network onto a VHS tape. Now, the VHS tape I had recorded had a hard R feature of this. Now, I want you to try and think of what that was like in 1996. Take this movie, and then try to imagine not seeing an erect penis, but rather imagine the ending scene from “Austin Powers”. You see the motions, you hear the moaning, but you do not see an erect penis, and you do not see it go in someone’s mouth, nor do you see it go into the vagina or anywhere else. Now, you do see eyes, facial expressions, and directors zooming into the act, but you do not see it. I know, that sounds insane, but that’s how we used to get off in the mid 1990s on basic cable.

So what now? I’m older, and I can get the X rated version, and you better believe that I took full advantage of that. I went ahead and finally watched this full release, and well, it certainly brought back a lot of memories.

This is a movie that has a plot, which is why I chose to review it. It features a lot of bad acting, as per usual. The movie starts with a couple that gets lost on the way to Phoenix. When their car breaks down in the opposite direction, the couple argue and meet up with an old man, “Doc”. He then offers to help fix the car. Doc, Bobby Vitale, Lori Michaels and Doc talk about, and he said the two should walk to the next town. The two decide that they will wait for help, and just walk around the two. Doc continues to make funny quips, and I wonder how I could get a non-sex role like that one?

Night falls. The setting changes. Vitale and Michaels find an old place to spend the night. Steve Hatcher and Lori Michaels fall asleep, and that’s it. When they wake up Michaels is all naked, and Vitale is fully clothed. Michaels finds an old night gown, puts it on and decides to see what’s around town, looking for her clothes, since she’s lost them overnight. And that’s where this movie starts to get sexual. You’ll have to wait a while before you get any sex, making this a favorite of mine already. I like plot driven movies. Michaels stumbles into a brothel, and is forced to dance, meanwhile Sahara Sands, Steve Hatcher, and Tom Byron go to another room, and have their way with a show girl. Tom Byron here has a full mustache and goatee, and long hair. He’s going through a phase, huh? Sahara Sands is a buxom blonde, and is a bit older here. The action is fast, with a country music tune in the background. You really feel like you’re in the wild west when you watch this go down. The threesome involves Sands doing anal, blow jobs, and that’s it. No DP, and the sound designer muted her expressions at one point, and you can’t hear her moan, instead you get the sound track. When Byron pops, she screams, and it’s quite nice, but at that point Hatcher is soft, which is an odd dichotomy.

After the sex scene, we are thrown into another sex scene, this time a threeway featuring Felecia, Lori Michaels and Melissa Hill. This is ok, and features the women on stage inside a brothel, while the same country music soundtrack plays. The music and the sounds of moaning and kissing are leveled out, and this is not a bad scene, but it’s definitely not grand either.

The plot keeps moving forward after the sex scene. Michaels’ character is wondering where her husband is, and he’s on stage with Christi Lake, one of my favorite actresses from the 1990s. Michaels is upset that Vitale is going to have sex with Lake, and well, that’s exactly what goes down. Lake looks like an old boss of mine, which is why I love to see her work, as I always wanted to be involved with her, so I guess for me, this is a fantasy. Lake and Vitale have good chemistry, and the two work out well on the stage, in multiple positions, going back and forth, and just enjoying the process of the sex. Vitale eventually gives Lake a cum shot to the face, and that’s it.

Michaels’ character runs off looking for her husband, and sees Jill Kelly and Tony Tedeschi getting friendly. The camera zooms in on the two of them, and that’s the next scene here. The two go through a very mechanical, somewhat boring sexual romp. It is probably my least favorite Jill Kelly scene I’ve ever watched. It’s functional, but there’s an interesting change here. What you’re going to find is that Tony Tedeschi here has a condom on. He goes for anal play at one point, but it’s a very tame scene, with a new soundtrack of country styled music.

The next scene has Lori Michaels and Peter North finding each other, and Peter North branding Michaels like a piece of cattle, metaphorically, mind you. And what occurs next, wow, another boring disconnect from sexual virtual reality. This scene was not as hot as I recall, and it is a slow moving, condom based scene that is just disastrous. Michaels is silent, North is mechanical, and the music shifts in tone. This was a fast moving sex, and that was it. It’s just not grand.

After this, Michaels runs to her boyfriend and they get into the car that found them in this ghost town, only to leave and that’s that. The movie that once got me very hot, fizzled out and really made me rethink my own memories.

I give “Ghost Town” a 2 out of 5.

I know, nostalgia is neat, but this movie sucked. I liked the plot driven method, there was some chemistry between Christi Lake and Vitale, but the rest of the movie is kind of boring, the music isn’t that good, and well, I just can’t get behind calling this one a great one.

You can purchase “Ghost Town” via a lot of outlets, and I guess it’s an ok movie.

Did you see “Ghost Town”? If so, dropped me a line in the comments below.

Dickman and Throbbin (1986) Review

Dickman and Throbbin - 1986 VHS Cover

Well, if you like parody porn, here we go. A movie that stars Tom Byron as Throbbin and John Holmes as Dickman. This movie is from 1986, and the duo get to meet Amber Lynn, Joanna Storm, Steve Drake, Kari Fox, Peter North, Keli Richards, Jessica Wylde, Mark Wallace, Regine Bardot, and Pat Manning. There you go, the cast is not half bad, and the movie is a direct rip off of the DC Comics showcase. This is from 1986, so don’t exactly expect the top tier production that you will get from modern releases in parody porn. I got my grubby hands on a VHS copy of this thing, and turned up the mono speakers, and sat back for Jerome Tanner’s “Dickman and Throbbin” from 1986, because, why the hell not?

Joanna Storm and Peter North are the couple that starts the sexual romps, and it’s not half bad. I’ve never seen anything from Joanna Storm, but Peter North is usually a good one to watch. This showcase had North in “work” mode most of the time, but eventually he pushes through and just loses it towards the end. He goes so hard that he actually cums on Storm’s natural hairy vagina, and then re-inserts her and then goes for broke for a second orgasm. The two didn’t have a lot of chemistry at first, but after some time, towards the end, it seemed like they really got it, and were loving every second. That was kind of a neat showcase, making this an interesting starting line for the movie.

After some dialogue and forward progress with the movie’s plot, Steve Drake calls a phone sex line. He then pretends to masturbate, while on the phone with Jessica Wild. It’s obvious that he’s not really talking to Wylde, and the camera switches back and forth between the two. There’s nothing less sexy than seeing someone masturbate without being hard. Drake tries, and it’s not sexy at all, meanwhile, Wylde starts to please herself, and that’s a lot sexier. This scene is back and forth masturbation and phone sex, and it’s not completely terrible, but it’s also not exactly that sexy either. I’m not a fan of just watch someone’s facial expressions, and the director zooms in on Drake for a great deal of the time, and eventually he gets hard enough to cum, and well that’s an ok sight, but this was painful to watch, not at all what you’d expect via the title of the movie that’s for sure. Wylde continues on the phone and with her hand, and she’s very mechanical here, leaving Drake with a dirty hand, and a boring process. When the two put the phone down, Wylde gets a dildo out and just goes to town, so if you’re a fan of solo scenes, this is a good one for you.

More dialogue scenes break up the action, and I honestly am not sure why this movie is titled as a Batman parody as there is no real momentum in that direction. The majority of the movie is spent with straight sex and dialogue in an office. I guess that means that the budget wasn’t spent on a lot of things.

The next sex scene is Marc Wallace and Joanna Storm, and the two work well together. However, if you were watching this one, you may have spotted a zit on Marc Wallace’s balls. But aside from that, him and Storm actually have a lot of chemistry, and the two really go to town with one another. There are moments where Wallace takes his penis out and rubs it on storm and she responds amazingly, and there’s even a cum shot towards the end of this scene, and he then re-inserts, which is quite good, meaning the two have some serious chemistry. Storm’s red pumps don’t fall off, and she really seems to enjoy the Mail Man, aka Wallace, who wears a mail man’s shirt through the scene. Storm and Wallace make this one hell of a sex scene, saving what would otherwise be a kind of crappy movie. Wallace cums three times in this scene, and Storm makes this one quite sexy, a good scene for the two, with lots of passion and movement. I’m assuming that this wasn’t shot in one go, because there’s not a lot of sweat, and if that’s the case, right on, they really seemed to love going through the motions here.

The movie moves forward to a scene where you finally see Dickman and Throbbin. This is an interesting threeway, with Amber Lynn and Holmes going strong, and Byron getting into the action as well. Holmes is not in his prime here, and it shows, but he’s still big, so he goes through well. Byron has that young man look, and it’s not half bad. Lynn really seems to be turned on by Byron, and not so much by Holmes, but the scene works well enough, even though Holmes just seems like he’s in “work” mode. Lynn takes it all here, and this is actually not half bad. This seems like a more modern porno film, but there are some weird edits that seem to be covering for Holmes not being able to stay hard. That is kind of odd, but it’s what happened to Holmes in the latter days of his career.

The movie moves along the plot, but it’s so thin, that it’s not even worth explaining. It’s not even a plot as much as it is a few seconds of a lady worried. That leads to Steve Drake and Kari Foxx.

Kari Foxx and Steve Drake put on a slight show, but the director goes all “artsy”. This scene has color shifts, and interesting sequencing, with every basic film trick in the book. When you see this scene, you’re going to be seeing double exposures, colorful changes, multiple positions, lighting, and just interesting elements. The two don’t have a lot of chemistry, which is just odd considering the artsy look and feel.

You see Drake and Foxx in bed, Drake dreaming of sex rather than having it, and Foxx gets mad. This is a quick scene that is supposed to move the plot, but has little to nothing to do with the bigger element of the movie.

That changes the scene and then we are treated to a threesome with Joanna Storm, Regine Bardot and Peter North. North, for the first time I’ve ever seen on film doesn’t get hard easily, but he bounces back. He tries to get it up and Bardot is patient, but it’s obvious that he has no chemistry with his costars in this scene. He goes through the motions, don’t get me wrong, and he eventually gets through the whole act, with both women, but it’s obvious that he’s not having as much fun as he does with other women. I don’t know why, but the three just aren’t that into it, but the women are together. So there’s that. This is a lackluster scene, but the music is ok.

The movie’s plot really thickens at this point with Steve Drake paying off Dickman and Throbbin to excite his wife, because he wants to have sex with her. The dynamic duo show up in Keli Richards’ bedroom and then go to work. They start to please her and she wakes up, and the duo show her a good time. This was a little better than the previous threesome that these guys have, and it’s because Keli Richards seems to be having fun. However, the director again changes the edit, and switches a lot, which I can only assume is because Holmes wasn’t doing so hot. I mean he does ok here, and Richards is great overall. Byron is there, but seems as though he’s just on the sidelines for a lot of this. The duo end up with a DP here, and that was interesting to see, so if you’re a fan of DP, this is the scene for you, as the two actually get through this with some fun with Richards. This was A material.

At the end of the whole scene, Steve Drake gets a visit from Dickman and Throbbin and they tell him that Richards is ready. The movie then ends with a quick scene in which Steve Drake wakes up to Keli Richards blowing him. The two get through a ten-minute scene, and it’s not half bad, lots of hair, tan lines, and Drake finally looking like he’s enjoying the fun. Richards is nice to look at, the music plays well and the movie slams into climax as the two finish each other off.

That’s it, the movie ends with the credits rolling over a picture of Drake, Holmes, and Byron. Not a terrible movie, not a great one, but definitely shows the age of the movie.

I give “Dickman and Throbbin” a 3 out of 5.

You can purchase “Dickman and Throbbin” via various outlets, and you can even see it with subscriptions to some companies. Not bad, not great, just ok.

Did you see “Dickman and Throbbin”? Drop me a line in the comments with your thoughts.

College Girls Extreme Initiations (1998) Review

The first thing that I noticed about this movie was that was a Sin-Bad Production. That immediately made me think about one thing, and that was the comedian Sinbad. Can you imagine if he was a major player in the porn world? I don’t know, maybe they would be a lot better. The second thing I noticed about this movie was that it was written and directed by Sid Deuce. Now, if that name is not familiar, then you may not have seen a lot of 90s porn. I hate to admit it, as it was a point of shame for me for many years, but I saw a lot of Sid Deuce on The Hot Network and Spice Network. But if you remember those older cable channels, they didn’t have any sort of penetration, and were more “R” rated than anything else. Sure, they had porn stars, and you’d see a little bit of breasts, but it was not at all like what you probably see today. I wouldn’t know, since I don’t have cable. “College Girl Initiations” is a movie with a slim plot, but I don’t think it’s a gonzo movie production. It feels that way at first, but because there’s a full story involved, this is not the same. The story is what you’d think, a few girls are going to be initiated to a club, or a sorority of some kind, and the head of this club wants the women to seduce the local guys. Starting with the pool guy. And with that, we are thrown into a story that features some B-level talent. Well, except for Sid Deuce. This movie from 1998 caught my eye because Lizzy Borden of XPW fame was in it. I had to check out her work, since I previously was told that she only did lesbian scenes. I can say that she doesn’t, as her early career in porn featured her in boy and girl scenes, and this is one of them.

And so we begin, the scene is shot in a backyard with a pool, and Ian Daniels is an “every man” type, while Shelbee Myne looks like my first girlfriend ever. While that fantasy was interesting at first, I realized that Shelbee is much taller than my ex, and well, a lot more uninhibited. She has an “Orange County” look to her, and well, she gets down to business fast. Her tattoo on the lower part of her back is interesting, and it was starting to distract me from the overall action of this scene. This isn’t a tough scene to watch, it’s not that great, and suffices, but Myne and Daniels don’t have a lot of chemistry, even though Daniels does a decent job of going for gold here. There is an adequate amount of positions, some jazzy music, and finally a cum shot to the back of the tattoo area of Shelbee, and that’s it. Ian Daniels finishes, and well that’s it, not much else. The two have little chemistry, but it works enough to get a rise if you’re in a bind.

Next up, we get the scene that I was looking forward to and that’s Lizzy Borden and Steve Hatcher. My main thing was to watch Lizzy Borden before she was a mainstay in XPW Wrestling fighting girls like Veronica Caine. She eventually stopped doing boy and girl scenes, to just direct and do girl scenes, eventually retiring from both pro wrestling and sex work, from what I can tell. Steve Hatcher and Lizzy Borden have some chemistry together, although it starts off very robotic. This is done in the same area that the previous scene was done, outside by the pool, on a blanket. In what was a first for me, at least in reviewing, there is an interesting switch that Steve Hatcher does. He goes from having regular sex with Lizzy Borden to switching into anal. However, in the switch, he puts on a condom. That’s right, he was without a condom before hand, and then puts one on for anal. This is new to me folks, but hey, it’s what the director must’ve wanted, right? I don’t know. The close up shows you insertion, and then the two rhythmically go through the motions of anal sex. It’s not a great showcase, mind you, but it works for what it is. This part of the sequence doesn’t last long, and eventually, Steve takes the condom off and finishes on Lizzy’s chest. This was a mildly entertaining scene, and you barely denoted any sort of chemistry between the performers. It was very mechanical, and at the end it was mostly Lizzy using her hands and some mouth stuff to try and finish the job further. This felt more like a gonzo picture by this point, at the 45 minute mark.

With only two scenes left, you start to feel like you’re getting less than your money’s worth. But honestly, this movie really is just a matter of watching 86 minutes of porn, with most of the dialogue being terrible, the lighting and effects being nonexistent, and the music being a saving grace at times. This is low budget, and within 45 minutes, you are either tired of jacking it, or you’ve given up on this. But before we get to the next sex scene, there’s an interesting mid-point where a woman is placed in a cardboard box, and the next major initiation is about to begin. There’s a glory hole set up of sorts, with Ian Daniels showing up with his sunglasses still on, paying for a little something, and well he gets to test out Temptress, who is in a cardboard box!

This scene starts with Temptress in a cardboard box, without seeing her lover. Then moves to the couch that is nearby, and Ian Daniels here puts a condom on for the sex. He didn’t have one earlier in the movie, but here he does. He seems to be trying really hard not to finish fast, and Temptress looks good for a college level girl trying to get into a club. Her long hair and lean body is a fascinating contrast to Ian Daniel’s “every man” look. The two have an adequate scene, with Daniels pumping away, and the jazzy soundtrack bringing you into the reminder that this is still a porno. The production value here is a little better than the other scenes, and the two actually seem to be enjoying themselves for the most part, even if Daniels’ has some awful facial expressions throughout.

The finale features Sid Deuce and Sindee Coxx using a toy and having fun together. This is one of the most chemistry laden parts of the movie. It features the two going through your standard lesbian scene, but with a little more heart than the other sequences. They even cuddle, kiss, and laugh towards the end, making this a favorite for a moment in the movie. Other than that, it’s a standard scene with a dildo thrown in for good measure.

I’m not sure why, but I watched the credits roll on this one, and while Sid Deuce did a good job in directing this piece, it’s a step away from being a gonzo feature. I don’t like gonzo movies that much, but this was ok, at best.

I give “College Girl Initiations” 2 out of 5.

It’s not a great movie at all. The jazzy soundtrack, and Lizzy Borden’s scene was the only reason I’d watch this again. But other than that, this wasn’t that grand. It’s functional for what it is, but honestly, it’s not something you need to rush out to buy unless you’re a huge fan of Sid Deuce and Lizzy Borden alike.

You can purchase “College Girl Initiations” online in various formats. I saw a VHS copy, and it was grainy as hell.

Did you see “College Girl Initiations”? If so, drop me a line in the comments below.

Tracy Dick (1985) Review

Tracy Dick (1985) Movie Poster

First and foremost, I want to give a shout out to my friend Angela, as she was the one that helped me pick out this movie to review. It’s thanks to her recommendation that we are now going to venture back to the 1980s, for a movie that was supposed to be burned in the United States. I won’t get into every detail, but after a lot of reading, and supreme court essays, I’ve concluded that reviewing movies featuring Traci Lords is fine, all things considered. However, I’ve gone to great lengths to purchase legal copies of this, and not from the United States, but from Europe, Mexico, and other areas. Whatever the case may be, this is a Traci Lords movie that was supposed to be destroyed, and you can only get it via DVD-R, VHS, or through alternative means. My copy came from Spain, and had a Spanish dub track and an English track. The Spanish language track is hilarious. But I’m going to review “Tracy Dick” from 1985 in the English language. This is supposed to be a parody of "Dick Tracy" but without the noir style.

The opening of this movie has a hilarious custom song about the titular character, Tracy Dick. I found it hilarious, as it featured a great deal of comedy in the lyrics, and the style. It’s a classic 1980s style rock tune. The movie immediately gets to the action, and throws you into a “who done it” mystery. We are shown an office, Tracy’s office where she’s a private eye. She is reading a book about how to find the g spot, and starts to masturbate. She seems to be playing with some archaic toy, but I can’t make it out because the film grain is very bad on this transfer I received. She goes at it a while, but watching her is a nerdy guy played by Tom Byron. He’s a classic 1980s nerd stereotype. Tracy tries to explore some information about him, and he seems to throw a tantrum before Stacey Donovan shows up. It’s here that the story’s plot starts to work through as Tracy wants to get to the bottom of the peeping tom, and more. There’s comedy in this scene, and Traci can act. (Note, I’ll use Tracy as the character, and Traci as the actress back and forth, because it’s confusing, and kind of fun)

After the masturbation scene, and a phone call between the private eye, and what I assumed was Stacey Donovan, a threesome erupts. This features Traci Lords, Stacey Donovan, and Tom Byron. The thing that got me right away was the music. It’s a passionate score, with grainy pops and bad mix with the moaning and groaning over the top. Traci Lords teaches Donovan and Byron (the nerd), how to have sex, and it’s not half bad. Lords always seems to work well with Byron, and Byron has those classic nerdy good looks, and turns into a stud with relative ease. The scene isn’t half bad, and has a voyeuristic quality that isn’t half bad. But at one point the director decided to put the camera as close to the penetration as possible, and not with a good macro lens, so you’re going to get a lot of grainy movement and moans, and just odd sexual elements. I’m assuming this was done for the big screen, because on home video, this is just odd. Who can be turned on by this? This only lasts about 10 minutes, mind you, and Byron blows a small load, but you can’t really see much because the lighting is very dark in this movie.

The transitional stages of this scene furthers the plot, although it’s thin. Tracy wakes up Byron and discusses a little bit about the case at hand, and then we move to a lesbian scene starting, only to go into a full blown four way.

The sex scene here is supposed to be Heather Wayne, Jacqueline Brooks, Josephine Carrington, and Jesse Eastern, but my edited didn’t show all of the women. Instead, there was a scissoring scene, and a guy watching on his couch before joining the action. He watches the scene, and the women get so turned on that they get him to join the action, to a very muddy and not too sexy sequence. The lighting is really bad in this movie, and I do not have a remastered option, so it’s not that grand overall. Meanwhile there’s a transition where Stacey Donovan and Peter North are sneaking into a house, and that leads to sex as well. However, that doesn’t get immediate results, as the threeway, which is listed as a fourway starts, and it’s just boring. It’s an odd mix, with a little boredom and mechanics of sex. It’s not sexy at all.

Up next, without much of a transition, we get Stacey Donovan and Peter North going at it. Once again the director has decided to zoom in so close to the penetration and masturbation that you can barely tell what’s going on. I had a hard time making it out because it started to get quite blurry, and then the editing went back to a blow job from the threesome, causing this thing to just become muddled. It’s somewhat sexy, I guess, as there’s a hand job finish, but it’s so badly edited, and transitioned that it’s just not worthwhile.

Tracy and Tom show up to discuss the case as the sex scenes are done, and the movie transitions into another plot point before throwing in a sex scene. This is not a gonzo movie, mind you, but the pacing is certainly gonzo, as there’s nearly no explanation for what happens next. Jacqueline Brooks and Tom Byron phone it in if you ask me. Byron has little to no chemistry with Brooks, and it shows. The return of the super zoom is found here, and I wanted to bang my head into a wall. The director made some terrible choices here, and the music, and overall scene is just awkward.

If you have bucket list for viewing porno actors doing it, you may have Traci Lords and Peter North. Well, here you go, it’s what you expect, and it’s quite fascinating to say the least. It’s a serviceable scene, don’t get me wrong, and there are moments that the two do share some sort of chemistry, but if you ask me, Peter North is just in work mode, as he’s a professional, and Traci is just kind of there at times, and then into it at others. The director decided to not use a lot of zoom lenses here, and the picture is clear, with some minor lighting shifts. It’s still gritty, but it’s really just a point of history, more than anything else. If you’re a fan of Peter North, then this is a piece of archival history. The closing sequence here is one for the ages, as far as speed is concerned, but in a rare thing, you don’t get an epic Peter North finish. This was very much a quick romp, and then it was over.

There’s a funny transition to another scene, which is just plot heavy. Tracy Dick shows up to confront a few people, and there’s a bit of comedy work done by Tom Byron. Then you get Peter North discussing a few things with Tracy Dick, and the story of the “stiff” continues. This is awful acting, but what did you expect from a 1985 porno film?

After some interrogation, the movie switches to a lesbian scene. The 1980s had a lot of lesbian sequences, and they always seemed forced. But this one was genuinely interesting for the chemistry that Josephine Carrington and Traci Lords have. If you’re into lesbian sex scenes, this is an interesting one, due only because of the chemistry that the two share. Otherwise, it’s not that great. They do the “scissoring” thing again, and I recall South Park doing a segment about this type of thing. I don’t know if this is common or not, but for 1985, perhaps it’s a good feeling thing? I don’t know, I’m not an expert here, I’m just trying to make sense of the movie.

The story continues, but you know, it’s not even that great, I have no clue where the whole thing is going, and the story gets thrown out for a final threesome. This one features Tiffany Blake, Marc Wallace, and Tom Byron. The trio have sex on a couch, and it’s not a terrible scene, but it’s very much “work mode” for the trio. Tom Byron’s always interesting to watch, and his youthful looks reminds me of Mark Wahlberg from “Boogie Nights”. Tiffany Blake does a double penetration here, and that’s the point where things get a little interesting, as she seems to lose herself in the moment for a moment, but honestly, other than that, this is just an average scene with a DP finish.

That’s the end of the movie, by the way. If you stick around for the credits, you’ll notice the names of the characters include Tracy Dick, Arthur Dork, Mimi Furst, Angela Magnet, Maid, Out Patient 1 and Out Patient 2, alongside gaffers, makeup, art direction, still photography and more. Jell Productions copyright ends it, and that’s it. You get a 81 minute feature that is not going to win any awards.

I give “Tracy Dick” a 2 out of 5.

The movie was fine. The best part of it was the music. There’s a lot of music with saxophone, so it’s firmly in the 1980s genre. Other than that, the theme song was funny, and the movie had some interesting points, and plot that seemed to move into sex scenes, but other than that, it’s awful. The lighting sucked, the editing was tough, and the zoom elements made me want to quit watching anything transferred from a VHS tape.

You can find “Tracy Dick” in the United States from imported sources, VHS tapes from the past, magazines, and other random areas.

Did you see “Tracy Dick”? If so, drop me a line in the comments.

Bad Wives (1997) Review

Bad Wives (1997) Vivid Video DVD Release (VHS Was Same Cover)

When I was working at a casket retailer in my late teen years, I found that I could order things and mail them to my office. It was quite interesting overall, and in that world I discovered mail-order VHS tapes, including porn. So I would buy discounted items from different retailers online. One of the movies that I remember purchasing was that of “Bad Wives”. This is a Vivid Video release from 1997, and it was only about four bucks at the time. I loved the cover, and thought it was interesting enough to buy, instead of rent, so I went for it. It’s a studio picture that is filmed on a higher production element that most videos that were coming out at the time. As with all studio releases, this was a bigger budget option, and one that looked a lot like a “film” rather than just a gonzo porn. With that in mind, you are thrown into an interesting set, you have a bit of a story, and of course you have sex. What I did note from the beginning of the film, and throughout this 2 hour plus movie is that there is a lot more sound design, audio design, editing, and even acting involved. Aside from that, the sexual encounters are longer, and the chemistry between some of the stars is even better. This immediately throws you into a sexual loop within 3 minutes, as you have office sex, with sounds of a heart beat, and phones in the background. This of course leads to sex, but the overall set design, lighting, and editing starts out like something you’d expect to see on the silver screen, not a VHS or DVD. That’s what initially interested me in this movie, and well, it carries over a bit through the scenes to follow.

Tricia Devereaux and Tony Tedeschi start things off, and to be honest, the two have some great chemistry in this scene. Tony really seems to be in his prime here. I’ve seen him in other scenes, and he isn’t nearly as into it as he is in this one. He is a total pro, mind you, so his work here is quite good, and Tricia reacts quite well to every move. There is some good foreplay as the two end up having sex on an office table. What threw me off here was the constant heart beating that was in the background. The music was also a bit of an odd choice, but aside from that, you’ll find that this scene is actually kind of hot, and at one point there’s even a random voyeur that shows up. This is a great opening sequence, if you ask me.

The movie then changes gears, and goes into a different sequencing. This movie gets into the titles, and it starts with a very cinematic approach. The cinematography is quite good considering this is a porno film. I liked the introduction that features the camera spanning a lot of products across the shelves, and then the director’s name shows up, Paul Thomas. No wonder. This guy makes the most “film” like pornos and there’s a lot to them, besides just the sex. The film, as you would guess is about wives that are cheating, and up to no good, getting themselves in trouble. The opening sequence features Dyanna Lauren stealing some cookies, and then trying to play off like she didn’t do it. Steven St. Croix accuses her of stealing, and she denies it. She eventually admits to it, and St. Croix gets a good look at her assets, and tries to put the moves on her. Of course, these two are destined to have sex, right? Dyanna Lauren has amazing eyes, by the way. I got lost in her eyes for a moment, and the director took full advantage of what was going on there.

The story is paramount here, this is not all sex, and it is not a gonzo movie. From this scene in a bodega, you are taken to a location where a couple is having a pool party. While there is some splashing going on, Dyanna Lauren imagines what it would be like to have sex with Steven St. Croix in a fantasy land scenario that has to be seen to be believed. She’s not in it, mind you, but she’s imagining it.

This scene is quick, it features Mellissa Hill, Stephanie Swift, and Steven St. Croix. The little clip of the threeway is quite good, and the set is really cool. it gets broken up by reality, and Dyanna Lauren seems to be down as her friends bring out a cake, with a 36 on it. It’s her birthday, and she’s not happy. The movie goes on with Lauren and Hill shopping and talking, and they encounter Steven St. Croix again, as he’s a store clerk. Moving along Melissa Hill dreams of being a threeway with him and Stephanie Swift, and that scene happens in the back of a bodega. It’s not a bad scene, and I’m not familiar with Melissa Hill, but she has a very lovely face, and red hair. She’s a pretty woman, and of course sharing St. Croix with Stephanie Swift is actually kind of fun. Melissa Hill reminds me of a woman that I once went on a date with, and I guess there’s a fantasy about being with her, so that’s kind of cool to watch. The music here is interesting, but the meat carcasses in the background kind of took me out of the scene. St. Croix wears a condom here, and that’s interesting considering the initial scene that started this movie didn’t have safe sex. This is a good scene, and perhaps the best in the movie, from set, to sex, to chemistry, to music, and everything. This happens 30 some odd minutes into the show and it’s really good overall.

Dyanna Lauren is in another fantasy, this time she imagines St. Croix in her bedroom and he rips her dress off. She looks at her husband, and she looks back and St. Croix is no longer there. Lauren then moves down stairs to dance naked, and seek her lover, but he’s not there. Jon Dough gets up, and sees her dancing, and comes down to be with her, watching her masturbate. This is a very sexy scene, as Dyanna looks amazing and she really seems to enjoy herself while Jon Dough watches. Lauren’s eyes again captivate me here, more than anything else. The two do end up having sex, but not right away, as the movie cuts to another house.

The other house has Melissa Hill and Tony Tedeschi. Melissa Hill masturbates heavily, and Tony Tedeschi walks in to see her, and gets turned on. But in the middle of this quite lovely scene, the director decided to go back to Lauren and Dough. The two have a suburban sex scene and it’s just something that is great in terms of setting. It’s got a suburban house feel and the whole thing just screams suburbia. If you see this, you’ll know what I mean because the house the two are in looks like a track home. While there’s a lot of oral in these sequence, the director again decides to cut, to Melissa Hill and Tony Tedeschi. So if you get off on oral, then you’ll like the scene, but then you get jolted into a scene with Melissa Hill.

Bad Wives (1997) Back Cover - DVD

Melissa Hill and Tony Tedeschi have some great chemistry. Hill gives Tedeschi a good blow job, and the music works quite well here, as well as the suburban home setting. But before they start going further, the director cuts back to John Dough and Lauren. They are on a white couch having sex and once again there are condoms. These two are supposed to be married, but I guess since it’s fantasy land, you have to ignore that. You can tell the sequencing was not done straightway. Dough starts getting slapped hard by Lauren and then she runs upstairs and he doesn’t have a condom on any more. Shen then asks him to spank her and he runs up the stairs and the two keep going on the staircase but he has a condom on again. He goes from limp to hard fast, so that little edit threw me off a little. I may be nitpicking, but it’s noticeable on an otherwise really good production. There’s an interesting point where Dough uses one finger in Laurens butt, while fingering her, and then the director again cuts to Melissa Hill and Tedeschi. This back and forth is getting annoying by this point.

The change of pace and setting is not half bad, as Hill and Tedeschi have great chemistry in their scene compared to Dough and Lauren. They don’t use condoms in this one, so perhaps that’s an important element. The two seem to really be having fun in this scene compared to the other one, as the two have sex on a couch, on a wall, juxtaposed against hardwood floors and art-deco. This is another good scene, and the two seem to really have great chemistry, which is great overall.

Even though all of this is going on, St. Croix’s character is at a pool directing everything? Like he has a sexual possession? It’s a weird wrench into the whole scene, but it kind of works.

True to the title of the movie, the sex stops and the plot thickens. The women start to lash out about their lives, and the men. At one-point John Dough shoves Lauren’s face and delivers a pretty good speech about how lucky she is and how rich he is, etc. The car has just been painted and she is covered with red paint. The two end up fighting, with Lauren slapping the crap out of him, and Dough slapping her back, then throwing her in a pool. This scene was far better acted than a lot of other movies in the porn industry, and it hooked me. The spousal abuse thing, man, edgy for a porno.

The movie continues with Melissa Hill trying on all sorts of different garments, and she looks a little like Jessica Rabbit from “Who Framed Roger Rabbit”. Hill and Tedeschi’s characters showcase a rough patch and it looks like they are going to get divorced, as they have a conversation about thei relationship etc. While the Dough and Lauren scene had good acting, this doesn’t. Hill can’t really act, and while I’ve seen Tedeschi do better acting, this is not his best one, though he shows a lot of range. Hill tries, but she’s a bit off, and I can’t put my finger on it. Her eyes though, wow, watch her eyes, they are stunning here.

Melissa Hill ventures to her husband’s office, only to see Tony Tedeschi giving oral to his secretary, the same woman from the opening scene! She is so distraught at this, that she ends up crying and I kid you not, eating what appears to be a bar of soap, or a block of cheese. I couldn’t stop laughing at the premise, but it’s sad.

This movies to a threesome between Missy, Tricia Devereaux, and Tony Tedeschi. This is an ok scene, with Tony throwing down a lot of work, but the chemistry was a little off here. Miss is thrown into the scene for good measure, and while she’s interesting, this seems like a second serving of what we already saw at the beginning of the film, only with an additional blonde thrown in for good measure. This is a passionate scene, don’t get me wrong, but it’s not that exciting after you’ve seen some better work earlier in the same movie.

Going towards the finish line, this movie turns into a full drama. Dyanna Lauren runs down John Dough and basically is going to leave him and take everything, and Dough’s reaction is a great one. She then goes the Bodega where she saw Steven St. Croix initially, and that’s where this film decides to give you a grand finale. I recognize the store, mind you, it is in Southern California, and it was shot after hours. This leads to the final threeway, and it features Dyanna Lauren, Melissa Hill, and Steven St. Croix. This movie was building up to this for nearly 2 hours, and this scene gets into some heated action at 1 hour and 50 some odd hours. This wasn’t half bad, and St. Croix has done great work here with the two women. However, the setting, lighting, music, and direction is totally different here. Maybe it’s because it’s supposed to be a fantasy, or maybe it’s just supposed to be a glorious ending, I don’t know, it’s just odd, with a large bed, lots of lighting, and an obvious warehouse set. The three do well here, and it’s a sexy scene with everything you’d expect from a threesome. St. Croix and Melissa Hill steal the show here.

I give “Bad Wives” a 4 out of 5.

This is a good movie, with some seriously good sex, and some interesting music here and there. The plot, the acting, and the sets are all great, and the movie is shot on film. It has a film grain to it and I could totally see this playing in an adult theater, because it totally belongs there. Paul Thomas does it again.

You can buy “Bad Wives” online through various sources.

Did you see “Bad Wives”? If so, drop me a comment below and let me know.

Sex Boat (1980) Review

Sex Boat (1980) Poster

For today’s stellar porn review, we’re going to go back to 1980. This time around, we are going to review Jimmy Kimmel’s favorite porno movie. At least that’s what Adam Carolla said on his radio show. He discusses the fact that a movie called “Sex Boat” was once discovered and Jimmy had to whack it to it. I do believe that it was during his interview with the famed porno stud, Randy West. Now, if you know who Randy West is, then you already know that he’s a long-time performer, and was influential in making a lot of women famous through the series “Dirty Debutantes”. Although, he stole the idea from someone, I think, but more on that later. This movie starts in a gonzo fashion, with two men and a woman talking, but one pulls a gun out and demands that he start going to town on the woman, and we get our first sex scene. Again, this is not a gonzo porno film, but it sure seems that way as this starts, and with the music kicking in, you know that “Sex Boat” from 1980 is not pulling punches, this is a porn, that may or may not played on the silver screen back then.

There are 13 scenes in this movie, but don’t worry it’s not that long, so I’ll try to review it as swiftly as I can, but some things are going to be longer than others, 13 scenes, geez.

Loni Sanders and Mike Ranger start things off, and this movie gets to the sex within a minute or two. This scene throws you into what this movie is all about, and the production quality is quite good for 1980. It’s a “film” of course, so I’m sure it was shown on the big screen at one point. Loni Sanders is pretty, and her heels make this even more attractive. Mike Ranger is a harry dude, but he seems to be enjoying the process here, the two have a little bit of chemistry as they start to work through the strokes of sex. However, you can once again tell that the male here is a bit in the zone, and not really into it half of the time. Even when he tries to kiss Loni, it’s mostly tongue and just kind of for the camera, not really because they are passionate. Don’t get me wrong, this is a workable scene, and it’s not half bad, but aside from the latter half of the sex scene, this is not that hot. Loni is pretty though, and she keeps her heels on, so it’s not bad. When she gets on top of mike on a brown couch, I loved it, there was a moment of every day, nice sex in it, and her good looks, and long brown hair really captured a sensual element that made you stop thinking of this as porn. Then the camera flashes to Mike’s face, and meh, threw me off. This isn’t a terrible scene, but with the music, and couch setting, as well as the finish, it just isn’t that great. A good money shot at the end though, so that’s always fun to see.

The movie moves forward fast to another sex scene, I mean, only 9 minutes into this thing and there’s a three way scene featuring Caroll Ann Jackson, Copper Penny, and Kevin James. This is a more passionate play compared to the first scene. Kevin is a young man with boyish looks and gets kissed and aroused by two very lovely ladies. The movie slows down here allowing for a more passionate look at deep throating and sexual play. Kevin doesn’t last too long in comparison, or the editing makes him look a bit inadequate compared to the first scene, but it’s a good workable one with natural women, and lots of hair, with a cum shot into red hair, which is kind of cute. Not a bad scene, but definitely a bit swift by comparison.

Fans of masturbation scenes will enjoy Sylvia Benedict playing with herself in the back seat of a vehicle. The driver gets a full view from the rear view as she plays with herself, and that’s it. Oh well the driver starts to pleasure himself as well, and this is a very artsy scene, with some very mechanical movements. This is obviously played up for the camera, and it has a comedic element to it, but it’s kind of sexy none the less.

Up next we get the crux of the plot of this movie. Two men want to get onto a boat full of women, and they must dress like women to do it. That’s where the story really gets going, and well, we get the plotting and then finally getting on board a boat, and getting into the “swing” of things. The guys in drag are hilarious, and they stumble across some women on hammocks and others sleeping. Here the plot of this movie starts to get kind of funny, but of course, in all professional sex movie glory, we are treated to the next phase of sexual desire. One of the men goes in and starts going down on a sleeping woman, she gets turned on, and away we go.

Hillary Summers, Linda Reeves, and Turk Lyon get through an interesting little scene where sneaking on an all girl’s cruise turns into a lovely sexual encounter. I say lovely, but Turk keeps his drag clothing on for a while, but that slowly comes off for a full scene of sex. I’m not familiar with Turk, so it’s interesting to see him work here, especially with two lovely ladies. The two women give their best here, and Turk seems to have some good chemistry with the ladies. He’s not a super hung guy, and is quite hairy, but it seems like he works out well. I didn’t like his one finger technique at one point, but the women seemed to like it a little. At one point he climbs on top of one of the women and just gyrates like he’s going to die. It’s actually kind of funny to watch. But then I figured out that it wasn’t him! Oh ham, and I’ll explain…

The scene cuts midway into Terry Galko and Randy West, but the director decided to go back to the threesome at the same time! So if you’re planning on getting off to this scene, you have to deal with a back and forth that doesn’t make sense at all. There’s a fade in and out, and the threesome works well enough, but you also get Randy West and Terry juxtaposed, so that’s a bit odd. I don’t know what the editor was thinking but the splicing threw me off. You get thrown back to Randy West just going to town, in perhaps one of his best moments, as a young man obviously, not when he was older and doing Jenna Jameson. He really is quite the talent in this one, and the chemistry he has with Terry Galko is infectious. The scene moves from the threesome to this one fast, so while there are 13 scenes in this movie, you kind of get thrown into the action quick on this transition.

After these sex scenes, you get back to the comedy angle where the men are dressed as women and trying not to get caught. Of course, they looked like the worst cross dressers and people are starting to get suspicious, but they keep going forward with the ruse.

Moving right along you are treated to a lesbian scene next, and this is only about 30 minutes into the feature. A lot has gone on mind you, and this is the sixth scene to get thrown into the 30 minute mark of a 72 minute feature. Dana Dennis and Kelly Nichols are here enjoying a nice lesbian scenario while the men watch them from another side of the boat. The sun is out, and they are on the top of the boat enjoying one another, with their fingers, tongues, and not caring about whoever is watching.

Kandi Barbour, Randy West, and Turk Lyon are the next featured scene. But before getting to the sex, you are treated to some comedic elements featuring West and Lyon. These are as funny as the Tom Hanks show “Bosom Buddies”. It’s funny to me, as the two dudes look so much like men, that it is just hysterical. The premise here is just too much at times, but it gets sexy in no time. However, the acting is pretty bad, and the guys get found out. Before this, we see West and Turk biting women’s butts, grabbing breasts, and then just trying to get into the fray of an orgy in the women’s make up room. This clumsy scene is nothing short of odd, but it works I guess. The comedy here is just ludicrous. As the guys go around the cruise ship, trying to hide out, they end up going down to a spa. Yes, a spa on this ship. I’ve never been on a cruise, but perhaps there are spa settings? The guys run into a spa area and there’s women there, one of which is Kandy Barbour. The two guys take it all off and join her, and you know what happens next, right? Of course! Well, this is a fast scene, and it’s mostly just Barbour giving head to both men, and Randy West giving her some love from behind. This is a fast scene, and it’s not that sexy at all. It’s very “mechanical” to say the least, and it’s not even that graphic.

The movie goes forward into more dialogue, with the women talking about the rumors that there are men on the ship. This makes some curious, and others disgusted. The movie of course gives you more comedic timing, and elements as the men move forward with trying to seduce the women. This is a really good transitional moment, with the guys back in drag, dancing and having fun with the women, no one the wiser that they are men. This feels like an 1980s teen comedy to be honest, and the transitional scenes are just too funny at times, with West getting slapped by all of the women and Turk finding a woman to seduce and scoring. This plot just seems like it could star Cuba Gooding Jr. Oh, they did make a movie called “Boat Trip”, with a similar idea. Only a lot less sex.

Pamela Jennings and Turk Lyon go underneath a table and start to have a little fun. This is a fun scene, and definitely one of the highlights of this movie. Jennings gives Turk a lot of attention, and the two have great chemistry in such a closed space. The two have to be very careful as they are supposed to be at a party, underneath a table that is covered by a table cloth, so there’s not a lot of positions, etc. It’s just Lyon and Jennings going at it, with her on top. It’s about as hot a scene as I’ve seen thus far in reviewing porn. I liked it a lot. The two here seem to really love the process, and it works out great. The music is good, the direction is nice, and with limited space, the two still manage to throw in a lot of movement. Classic.

One of the men gets found out, and is almost thrown over the edge. But of course, this is a porn so it doesn’t go bad for him. Instead, 5 women want to get it on with him, and well, he’s the luckiest man in porn, right? Turk Lyon gets to have an experience with 5 women, and it’s all that you would think it is. It’s crowded, clumsy, and he is just having the time of his life. Lucky dude, but not a great scene. It’s sexy, but you can see that it was a bit rushed. Dana Dennis, Kelly Nichols, Linda Reeves, Renee LaPaz, Vicky Steele, and Turk Lyon do their best, but hey, it’s a 6 way with 5 women and one guy, not sure what you’d expect. I give Turk Lyon a lot of credit for this performance as he doesn’t finish even though he goes through 5 different women. Wow, what stamina. We should all be so lucky, right? There’s plenty of positions, plenty of moaning, and the music doesn’t throw you out. The director kept moving the camera in and out, zooming to one area and another, and it’s kind of odd, but this is just one man and 5 women, so take it for what that is.

If all of this story doesn’t really get you aroused, perhaps a robbery might? That’s what seems to occur in the next subplot, as pirates seem to have taken over the ship? I kid you not, there are men in pirate clothing showing up and getting some sex. Throw the rulebook out the window, this thing just went off the rails. Nicole Black and Greg Michaels go through a very neat little scene, and Nicole Black is just a lovely woman. She’s quite pretty, while Greg Michaels looks like a buffoon. Meanwhile, Little Oral Annie and Douglas Fairbank get some action in the cockpit, no pun intended. The juxtaposition of these two scenes feels rushed, and while there’s a little bit of a rough play, the sex is anything but sexy. It’s rushed, clumsy, and like the first time you get some, only not sexy. It works only for the fact that this is a movie and the sex is part of the plot, but it’s just not that sexy, it’s rushed, and well, rushed is all I can think of to describe it.

There’s more pirate love after a brief transition with one guy looking a lot like Ron Jeremy in a pirate costume. The scene goes to R.J. Reynolds and Cody Nicole. This scene like the other pirate scenes seems rushed. It’s straight to the action, no nonsense, no foreplay, just erection into vagina, and that’s it. I gues I expected more out of this, but at this scene you’re at the one hour mark and it’s time to close up this movie. This is not that sexy, but the two seem to have a little chemistry, just not enough to get sweaty. The lighting is bad, and the sex is standard, at best.

And of course we get more story, but at this point if you’re still watching the story, you’re a brave person. I am watching the full thing so that I can review it, and even I’m having a problem. The pirates meet the guys in drag and that leads to the worst fight scene since the last time I saw a fight scene. The guys in drag untie the women prisoners, the camera zooms away from the luxury liner, and we get one last scene.

The last scene features Sylvia Benedict and Turk Lyon. It’s a steamy scene that is given 4 minutes or so. Again, a brief sexual romp, but you have to remember, this was meant for porno movie theaters, so the sex isn’t epic sometimes. It’s a little more of the romantic kind here, with the two going through a few positions, and really just going forward with a little bit of action. Neither one going as hard as to get sweaty, and more like a married couple’s regular Monday night. This is a sterile ender, but it works if you’re watching it on the big screen and you want to get your money’s worth before the show is over.

The movie ends with a young woman getting picked up by what looks like her boyfriend. He doesn’t know that she’s been plowed on her trip. And that’s it, they drive away. The end sees Randy West becoming a captain on the ship, or at least dressed like one, and lots of women trying to get with him, but he avoids them, to get into the captain’s seat, and get blown by a blonde, and that’s “Sex Boat” from 1980.

I give “Sex Boat” a 3 out of 5.

It’s not a sexy movie, but it’s funny enough to watch it. If you watch your porn at full length, and don’t just fast forward to sex, then you’ll like this one. Otherwise, you’ll find it to be rushed, and kind of boring at times. I liked it enough, just didn’t love it.

You can purchase “Sex Boat” from a variety of locations. Including HERE for DVD by MAIL.

Did you see “Sex Boat”? If so, drop me a line below in the comments.